The Journey's the Thing...

Moving house...

2009-02-01T21:31:00.002-05:00

Hello all...TeeJayDoubleTee is migrating....

This blog is now closed. I will retain the address, etc...

Meet the New Blog, same as the Old Blog (but better)!

Johnnyboy

See you there!

Johnnyboy

New addresses to link to...

2009-01-27T14:59:00.002-05:00

So it is all coming together. My Wordpress blog is up, and is a mirror of this one. I'll be keeping this page for a while, but will eventually abandon ship when the new one officially launches. I am still looking for a better background color for the look and some items also need to be tweaked and re-arranged. You can find it here

I am also working on getting the photography gallery up and running. For the time being I am fooling around with a decent site for the month and will decide on something in a week or so. I like the look so far and it even has a gallery in it. It is a series of abstract work that I have done. You can find that place by going here

Please comment on the state of my affairs. Send m your suggestions on colors, fonts, etc...I have wanted to use Helvetica, but I don't think I can. Trebuchet MS will have to do for now.

Johnnyboy

Goodbye to PayPal...Good riddance.

2009-01-25T11:49:00.003-05:00

So I have used EBay for a few years now and have never had a problem. I have also used Paypal for the same amount of time and, also, no problems. A few weeks ago that changed.

Just for fun I tried to apply for a PayPal Credit Card. After a short credit check, I was denied--big surprise there. In my mind and experience, that was the end of the matter, and I went on my merry way. Then I began to receive statements from PayPal stating that I owed them a monthly payment for charges to my PayPal Buyer Credit account. Thinking that this was a phishing scam, I disregarded the notice. The next month I received the same statement, but with a higher minimum payment. So I began to call PayPal. What they wanted to pay the account were the routing and checking account numbers of my own bank. I spoke to my bank. They advised me to not give them the numbers.

In the end, after formally disputing the charges*, I made the payment using my checking account. I now have a zero balance. I wanted to close my account, but PayPal would not let me. The letter I received from them regarding my dispute was a form letter sent to buyers/sellers and had nothing to do with me. This morning I called PayPal and was able to close the account.

PayPal is not a financially secure way to build credit. Although they are affiliated with a bank, they do not seem to be governed by the FDIC, as the bank is actually in Luxembourg. Now, my facts may be incorrect, but on-line research has shown me that I am not the only one to have gone through this and there have been far worse scenarios. Some people have had their entire bank accounts frozen by PayPal and it has taken months to thaw them out. It all seems pretty shady to me. Plus, the unofficial rumor is that EBay trying to discourage any seller who does not accept PayPal, which seems discriminatory to me. Perhaps it is not.

So...I am no longer using PayPal. No worries for me. Good riddance.

On more positive notes...I am currently beginning a move from this blog to a WordPress site. I hope to have my actual whole website up soon, before I head off to Europe, at least. It will be a basic page with links to my gallery page as well as others, including the blog. When the times comes, I'll set up a re-direct for everyone.

Johnnyboy

*I withdrew the dispute before paying the balance. The letter arrived a few days later, and, like I said, did not address the subject of my dispute.

Ups and Downs...

2009-01-24T13:49:00.002-05:00

I don't know what was happening in the past few weeks. A friend told me that Mercury has been in retrograde, and that we must all watch our speaking, thinking, and actions. Sounds like we should all stay in bed. The good news is that, I think, it is no longer retro, so things should be getting better. Here's how my life has been...

I wasn't able to get any work done, although I have been granted extensions on my two courses from last semester. That has changed in the past few days, as I am almost finished with most of what I started two months ago, and only since Wednesday. Even I am impressed.

My Credit By Evaluation (CBE) for college has been turned over to yet another evaluator. Apparently the first woman didn't supply the proper work for the needs of the college. So I have to go through this process again. I am left feeling discriminated against. For instance, if I had been in the armed forces for two years, I would have been granted automatic college credit for doing so. This does not apply to an Associates Degree in Culinary Arts, 120 credits from the culinary school I attended, or the 18 years I spent working in the field. Logic says that if I had learned how to kill someone at 1000 yards with one shot I would have no problem getting the 16 credits I am asking for. Just remember, I only feel as if I am being discriminated against. No one can sue me for 'feeling'.

Mom's mental state has shifted slightly, and she is becoming a little more disoriented and confused than before. Thank the Big Wheel that we hire the caregivers when we did. It makes this transition smooth and easy. Overall though, her health is solid, her mood is up, and she is safe, warm, and loved from all angles.

I have my tickets for my spring trip to the Balkans. On the schedule are the two AA conventions (Croatia and Greece) and a side trip to Serbia. Serbia celebrated two years of AA this past November, which makes me grateful to be sober and witness this kind of 'seed planting' of sobriety at this time. I am looking forward to the experience. I am going to keep things loose in terms of destinations. I am flying into Vienna and will take a train to Zagreb. This means I leave to return to the US from Vienna as well. I will have to explore that city and give it its due.

As promised, the enclosed picture is of the new baby, the Canon 50D. I have the 50mm L series lens attached for the full effect. That's a lot of glass, as they say.

What a time to be alive!

Johnnyboy

P.S.--Nice job America! Now let's get to work!
--J

Oh my...My, oh my...

2009-01-08T19:36:00.002-05:00

My new camera arrived -- with it my new lens. These represent an enormous upgrade in both cost and commitment.

I have been fooling around with it for a few minutes, after charging the battery, of course.

Oh my.

A Canon 50D with a EF 50mm f/1.2L USM lens.

Oh my.

It puts the Rebel XTi to shame. It's so heavy. It's so solid. The bokeh is so smooth. 15 mega pixels. Almost noiseless shutter....just a soft 'thwwwppp'--no click or anything.

I'm in love again. I'll post a picture tomorrow...

Johnnyboy

Contradictory people...

2009-01-08T11:21:00.005-05:00

When my sister was here over Thanksgiving it seemed that every time I made some comment about food or the weather, or anything really, she needed to make some contradictory statement. An example is:
Me: That news restaurant has a huge menu, most of which is pre-fabricated food from a freezer.
Sister: I love pre-fab food! (In reality she never has. She has maintained the aura of an Earth-friendly local food type of person for decades.)

Today I experienced something else. One of the care givers always has to make some kind of damn statement about how we live here at our home. It is driving me nuts. Today, however, it was different. I am expecting a package via Fed Ex. It is a new camera and lens. It is quite an investment and was in the 4-figure range of pricing. The sender (Beach Camera) requires a signature form someone in the house to complete delivery. I am planning to go to the grocery store. In the event that they deliver while I am away I told Elizabeth (her real name) about the possibility and could she sign for me. Her response?

Elizabeth: It's been my experience that FedEx just drops things wherever they want, and never requires a signature.
Me: But the sender requires it due to the high value of the package.
Elizabeth: That has never happened to me...

All I wanted was "Sure, that's fine." I didn't need her personal opinion and a run-down of her experiences with FedEx. Nor do I really want her opinion on anything except the health and well-being of my mother. It bothers me that she tries to impose her values in my home.

I am tired of these people contradicting me just for the sake of hearing their own voices. They do not contribute to the conversation of the forward movement of society.

On better things...I have finished the dreaded 'Digital Art and Design' class. It is over and I will never take another on-line course again as long as I have something to say about it. 'Unfulfilled', 'Bamboozled', 'Tedious', and 'Waste of time and money' are some phrases that come up when I think of it. After reading the comments of others I have discovered that I am not alone. I am back on track with the rest of last semester (thankfully!) and start the next one in two weeks. I will begin my Senior Thesis and take a class (Study Group!) called 'From Page to Stage" which is about reading and staging theater. Sounds fun!

BTW...If you haven't already, see the documentary 'Helvetica'...Very fun and cool.

Johnnyboy

Empire State College screws up again...

2009-01-07T12:57:00.002-05:00

Last year I submitted a proposal to my college for credit for previous life experience as a working chef. I had almost 20 years in the business before I left for a new life, much of which revolved around ESC and my completion of my B.A.

It has been made aware to me that the evaluator never sent any of the forms into the college. So I called the evaluator. According to her she sent them three times and then finally on a special form supplied to her by the college itself--all before the holidays.

So where did the form go? Whose in-box did it land in and who deleted it from their file? Who is to blame? Who is lying? Who is guilty of discrimination?

I have to admit that trying to get any credit from the college has been a disappointment. They do not accept credit from "trade schools" like culinary institutes. On the other hand they do automatically give credit to people who have served in the armed forces.

Perhaps I should have learned how to kill rather than cook. Then I would have no problem getting credit.

Johnnyboy

The new year, with old year flotsam and jetsam...

2009-01-05T12:53:00.002-05:00

The holidays are over, the tree has been discarded, the tourists have departed the area and Somewheresville has settled into the mellow calm of January. If only I could do the same.

I am still behind in last semester's work, with three papers to write before the middle of the month. I can do it! Yes I can! I feel like Bob the Builder...

I begin the next semester right on the heels of the departing one, so I will be happy when I can begin something anew, with a fresh outlook and be through with the leftovers.

Mom is doing well; safe, happy, warm, loved, and cared for.

I am now in my 7th year of sobriety, having celebrated my 6th last week. Life goes on, thank the Big Wheel that spins in the Cosmos.

Johnnyboy

Here we go....!

2008-12-31T17:37:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!

May you have all that you need and need all that you have. May prosperity and serenity both smile upon you this new year.

Johnnyboy

A new addition to the list...

2008-12-18T18:46:00.002-05:00

I was searching for meetings in Albania for a friend (and myself too) and came across this blogger. Her sense of spirituality is serene and I will enjoy reading her blog. She is in the list under 'Another Spiritual Traveler'. She posted this, which I had not read in many years.

I think I'll post it too. Pass it on.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

(c) Max Ehrman 1926

Johnnyboy

Christmas giving...

2008-12-09T12:12:00.002-05:00

This Christmas is special for me. My mother is deteriorating before my eyes and this may be the last Christmas that she is aware of. While I am wrapped up in the selfish resentment that no one has asked me what I want for Christmas, I am actively giving generously to those in need: children in the area need clothing and food; families need assistance of all sorts. This is the kind of giving I am trying to practice.

So if you are wondering what to give, give to those who are in the midst of financial woes. Give what you can, if only of your time and patience. Volunteer if you are able. In my area there are many local organizations who practice this kind of community spirit. To quote Mr. Spock, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few- or the one."

If everyone gives a little locally, the larger world improves all around. This is the Spirit of Christmas, but please do not let it end on December 26th. The needy are in need the rest of the year as well.

Johnnyboy

Moving along...

2008-12-01T21:39:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving is over and the guests have left. Actually they left on Saturday, but Monday is close enough. It was bittersweet, with my mother's health a looming concern, family dysfunction and, for me, a realization that I need not be intimidated by one of my family members any more. I have always been cowed by her noise, drama, and control. That has now ended. She revealed her true colors and there was nothing about them that caused anxiety, only sadness. Loneliness and regret are horrible emotions to drag around. I know, having dragged around my own sack of sadness for many years. My program of recovery has taught me to be a different person though. For that I am grateful. I am not better than her, or anyone else. That arrogance has been left behind as well. I have changed in the past few years, and I resemble little the person who walked through the doors of AA. I was shaking then, emotionally dead, unable to stand up and be counted, filled with fear and shame. No more. I hope and pray that she finds these things, this sense of calm and serenity, someday. I have left jealousy, resentment and anger behind in these matters.

School is moving along, but I fear I am behind in my work. The Digital Art and Design course has lost its shine; my history course needs only a small kick-start to finish up the tasks at hand. Next semester I begin work on my senior thesis, which is yet undecided. Probably something to do with the Balkans. I am also hoping to take some photography courses at a local community college so I can get some darkroom time. It has been many years since I have done this work (about 30!) so I need to re-learn all these things. I hope that the rest of my stay at ESC revolves around these kinds of courses. Frankly I need a a break from the history lessons. It feels like it is time to move along academically.

Here at the house I pay the bills (or make sure they are paid); I manage the upkeep, including repairs; I prepare the place for the future so the house stays well kept and solid; I act as liaison between my mother's estate and her business advisers; I make sure that my siblings are kept in the loop regarding her health.

I am rebuilding my life from the smoldering ashes of the past. I will receive my B.A. just in time for Christmas 2009; I will apply to schools again for their MFA programs in photography. I will do these things as insurance against the storms that rock any boat at sea. I will set my compass on the distant horizon and sail into the next adventure, using maps I have been given and tools that keep me on course. In this fashion I have no fear, either from man or the world. The waves may rise, the wind may howl and doldrums may still the waters, but I will stay afloat, not due to any particular skill, but because I have the desire to do so and the ability to work for a life worth living--and I will not be alone in my journey. Myriad seers, friends, and mentors will be there to help me, but I have to ask for help.

These are some of the things I do. These are my tasks. This is my role here. I am useful and serve a larger purpose.

Johnnyboy

New things a-foot...

2008-11-19T16:53:00.002-05:00

The concept of applying for an MFA is still not out the window, but more importantly I am hoping to have a much better web presence within a couple of months. The blog will come with me, dear readers, so not to worry. With it comes the angst, recovery, and laughter that only the pains of growing up can bring.

Mom is doing well. The weather has turned suddenly cold so getting her out of the house is more difficult. This is understandable. I'm glad the house is snug and warm and she is loved, cared for, and safe. This much I can guarantee.

The holidays will be the holidays. I have begun praying for those in my life who cause my stomach to grind its insides apart and because of that I can sleep better, although I had a fucked up "dream" the other night...More a nightmare...

I dreamed that the only reason I continue to make excellent grades in college and doing well in other venues is because I have Down Syndrome and those around me are going easy on me. What a relief to wake up and know that this is not true!

Johnnyboy

Such news and holiday angst...

2008-11-16T09:17:00.003-05:00

The photo show has been up for a few weeks and, I hope, showing well. I have distanced myself somewhat from the experience, feeling grateful to have just been chosen to participate. If I sell anything, it will be a wonderful bonus. The exposure and acknowledgment is the real high point for me.

School is moving along. I am still having fun with my US/Caribbean Foreign Policy course but the Digital Art and Design class is wearing thin. PhotoShop is all wonderful, but I have become bogged down in the sanitary nothingness of the truth behind web design and logos: it's about advertising and self-branding, as a famous librarian friend has mentioned. I really feel kind of slimy trying to promote myself like a piece of meat. A few of us have stated this in the class, but I don't know if the instructor has read the comments yet. The class is almost over, however, so I'll push through and take the grade given.

I have begun looking at MFA programs in photography. One school, very near to me, offers one of the best. I attended the MFA open-house last week and was a bit apprehensive as I walked in the room. I was immediately put at ease by a friendly face that I had not seen for a while. That allowed me to relax, participate and enjoy the day. I will be applying there next January, 2010.

I am a sort of a purist when it comes to photography and computers. I really have no use for PhotoShop except to re-size, canvas, and crop. Beyond that I try my best to make the best image that I can with the camera first. If the picture sucks, it sucks. Screw the philosophy of post-production...It;s a cop-out.

Deer season opened yesterday...We have hunters up in the woods thinning the herds...Guns are booming. That is a pretty unnerving sound.

Mom is doing well, I suppose. She is alert, very capable still, and extremely feisty. My sisters and I will be having a meeting during the Thanksgiving weekend concerning her care and where we go from here. The 24-hour women who are here now are fantastic. My opinion is that nothing is broken so nothing should be fixed. The family has seen fit to live their lives away from here so far, and they should continue to do so.

These kinds of family summits have long since ruined the holidays for me. Thanksgiving should be a time of gratitude and peace-making. Instead, for me at least, it has become a symbol of fear, invasion and sudden change. This is all very sucky, and no amount of post-production will cure it.

Johnnyboy

Perhaps it's the weather...

2008-10-28T00:47:00.002-05:00

I have been reflecting on the past 4 years I have been spending with my mother. Initially I moved home because it was all I could do, having left my old life behind in a pile of debris and smoldering, burned bridges. Within a month or so it was obvious that I was there to help her more than the other way around.

As the years went by, her Alzheimer's progressed, my sobriety grew, her frailty increased, and my role as caregiver expanded to include more than just the occasional trip to the store for her. I have now taken over the household accounting and serve as her Power-of -Attorney. I am not alone in these tasks, and for this I am thankful. There is her financial manager in The Big City who oversees her rather large estate; her attorney who manages that as well as her estate legal affairs; her CPA who prepares her taxes each quarter; there are my two sisters who offer me support from long distance and visit when they can -- they are also listed as POA's should I not be able to fulfill this task; and the crew of amazing caregivers working 24 hours a day that allow me to not only live my own life but to handle the above responsibilities round out the team.

Mom's habits have shifted since her broken rib incident a month ago. She has withdrawn and spends much of the time in bed. Sometimes she is sleeping, and sometimes she is reading. Sometimes she just sits there and stares off into space, perhaps just thinking. Her depression is palpable. She is angry at the world and confused about what is happening to her. She is frightened by the loss of self that has accompanied this emptiness in her mind. The worst part is that she knows this is occurring.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it must be hard to see this going on. I think I have begun dismissing this kind of statement by rationalizing my being here as a gift, some sort of frightful challenge that is helping me grow. I think from now on I am going to acknowledge the pain and tell them it is especially hard on me because I have absolutely no control over the slow and terrifying slipping away of my mother, who I will always remember as being fun-loving, brilliant, energetic, and youthful.

This may sound selfish to some, but I think that part of living my life is to not be so tough or reserved when it comes to this matter. This is the most painful time of my life, and I hope none of you ever have to go through it. But if you do, don't do it alone.

Johnnyboy

Amazing news and some of the same-same...

2008-10-25T12:18:00.002-05:00

So...To recap the same-same...

Mom is doing better. We have put her on a mild anti-depressant and should be seeing results soon. She has been on Lexapro for about a month now. She still likes to stay in bed and read, but with weather like we have been having, who could blame her.

My school work is going along, but in fits and starts. I am having real difficulty with the PhotoShop class, mostly due to my inability to speak 'Geek'. I am stymied by the current project, but I'll get through it. It seems as if the person who wrote the instructions for our class wasn't too hot on the English language.

On the fantastic side of things, I submitted six images to an open call for the local arts council and a juried photography show. Three were chosen! I was stunned and amazed, and this makes me happy, although I am humbled by the happening. The opening is next weekend, in Hudson. I'll post the address later.

Johnnyboy

Sickness, broken bones, Alzheimer's disease, and PowerPoint...

2008-10-18T19:08:00.003-05:00

...All of the above.

I'm sick. I have diagnosed myself with sinusitis...My left gland on my neck has been swollen for a couple of days. My neck hurts. Tylenol kills my headache for about three hours and then it comes back with shock-like stabbings from deep within my skull. My face hurts. The top of my head is sensitive. In fact, the left side of my face feels heavier than the right, and although my nose isn't stuffy, it isn' t 100% clear either. I'm tired, cranky, and running a slight fever of about 100 degrees. It's too early to go to bed...

Two weeks ago my mother decided to do a sweet thing. She thought it would be nice to come upstairs to visit me while I was building my new bookcase from IKEA. This she did, and unaccompanied. On the way down the stairs, her worn out old slippers slid out from underneath her and she almost tumbled, but instead bumped a couple of steps down. Unfortunately she broke a rib. This has meant more bed rest and Vicodin for her. After recovering fully from a broken sacrum last spring and erlichiosis this summer, she is back in bed.

Fuck.

Still it's not her fault. She's the one with Alzheimer's, not me. Why am I so pissed off? I am thankful for the 24 hour caregivers here. They allow me to move along with my life, but actually they have freed me up to assume responsibilities that I could not last year, mostly financial ones.

School is moving along. I am suddenly swamped with work this week (and I'm sick, remember?) but I'll get done what I can. I have three papers to write and a module of my Digital Art and Design class.

Yesterday I drove to Syracuse and gave a short presentation today on relief work I was involved with last summer. 3 1/2 hours each way at 80 mph for a 35 minute PowerPoint show. In some ways I was a little disappointed in the other presenters. So many of them seem to be gravitating towards the overly popular 'gender studies' subjects. It's boring, I tell you, boring. What ever happened to literature, art, science, history, and philosophy? Now all of these admirable subjects are examined through the strange lens of sexual identification? Please...! It's worse than teaching Rhetoric as a writing subject.

Still the 12 people who saw my presentation liked it, and enough so that some of the faculty want me to present it in classes in Albany. So that's good news. I guess I'm grateful.

I feels like shit. Achy, cranky, tired...Plus the caregiver who worked this morning didn't pick up the fucking mail, which means no NetFlix, therefore I cannot watch 'Grey's Anatomy: Season 4' until Monday....

Johnnyboy

Posting commentators...and more...

2008-09-24T16:04:00.002-05:00

I must admit these folks amuse me.

First, there are the legit ones, people I know, people who are genuinely responding. Thank you for everything.

Then there are the nutters and spammers...We all have those.

Then there are the folks who search the blogs for keywords and then comment on those posts. I just got one of those. It was a comment on a post I wrote back in January 27, 2006. It was about "A Million Little Pieces" and Oprah Winfrey. I mean really, how often have I thought of Oprah since then? Once? Twice, maybe?

The great news is that the photography company that I have been sending my digital prints to for enlarging is as goos as advertised. I know have 9 -16" x 24" prints that I need to have matted. I'll frame them myself. The quality is superb (real Kodak paper) and the price...So inexpensive. For the whole 9 pictures it was around $130, and that includes s/h.

Very happy.

I am off to The Manhattan Short Film Festival tomorrow night with a friend and then to a night out in Troy, New York on Friday. I have begun my Tai-Ji Guon class and handed in the first of six papers for my Commie Class.

The photoshop class is buzzing along too. Above is an example of some work that I have done.

Johnnyboy

Goodbye brilliance...Hello idiocy

2008-09-21T14:51:00.006-05:00

David Foster Wallace took his own life last week. It has taken this long for me to respond. My first year sober was spent reading his seminal novel 'Infinite Jest' in my little room, all 1079 pages, including footnotes. It helped me while away the time, made me laugh, question reality, and made me jealous that someone could write a book that long and that crazy. Here's a random quote, from page 579, of the Little-Brown soft cover published in 1996...

"Something touching about a gift that a toddler's so awfully overwrapped makes a sickly-pale and neurasthenic but doting Mrs. Green, Bruce's beloved Mama, choose the mugged-dachshund-foil-sheen-cylinder present first, of course, to open, on Xmas morning, as they sit before the crackling fireplace in different chairs by different windows with views of Waltham sleet, with bowls of Xmas snacks and Acme-'N-logoed mugs of cocoa and hazelnut decaf and watch each other taking turns opening gifts."

Joyce, Kerouac, and others pale in comparison.

I had a lovely conversation with my sister this morning and felt better about all these life situations than I have for a long time. Something about the final line in the promises that says "God is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves." That fills me with hope. My qualifying went very well also...A good, but small group of grateful alcoholics. My sponsee even made it. What a guy.

So how about that extremely dangerous idiotic pair of McCain and Palin? If they get their way we will all soon be living in an irrational, nationalistic, medieval society. Then will come the witch hunts, the public burnings, and our nation will soon live in the bonfire of global shame. How can someone like this ignorant harpie get to this position?

Only in America, ladies and gents, only in America...

Johnnyboy

My mother's needs...

2008-09-20T17:32:00.003-05:00

My mother's needs outweigh my own, and that can sometimes be a bad thing. I do take care of myself, in many ways, but trying to explain to her why she needs assistance from people other than me is beginning to bother me and weigh me down. The question of why she cannot drive anymore is heartbreaking. How can I keep this up?

I have two other siblings who love and care for her as well, but so far I am still the one with the emotional football. It would be great if one of them did some of the work around here.

I am off to a meeting tonight in a nearby town. I have volunteered as the speaker. I guess that's what life really is...A series of moments when we are either chosen or we volunteer. More than likely the latter.

Johnnyboy

Some recent school projects...

2008-09-17T10:01:00.005-05:00

Here are a couple of recent projects from the CS3 class
that I am taking on-line. The first is a basic picture clean-up job. I used an old photograph of my Great-great-great Grandfather McCulloch.
The second is a poster
I just finished as an
example of layout and
design. I used too many
images, but since I can lock and unlock at will, I can always change it...

Johnnyboy

School, homelife, and flaming nutters...

2008-09-15T18:22:00.004-05:00

So school is going well. I have been reading alot lately and have begun my first of six papers on the Cold War. It's pretty heavy political reading, but I thoroughly enjoy it.

I have also been working on my on-line course in Digital Art and Design. It is a new experience for me, this on-line format, and I find it OK, but not the best way for me to learn. In the long run I could, if I felt inclined, do the entire course in a couple of weeks and then just hand in the work when I am supposed to do so, but I feel that it is enough just to be a week ahead of the curve. CS3 is fun, and not too hard, at least at this level. As the semester progresses, it will become more difficult.

There are two excellent photography exhibits opening in the Big City soon...One is of the artist William Eggleston and the other is the photographer Josef Koudelka. I'm hoping to see both. In their separate ways they both exemplify the image of humanity and the normalcy that makes up the species. Sometimes it is horrible, sometimes beautiful, mostly it can be seen as an everyday occurrence--living.

Mom is doing well. She is tired a lot, but her doctor reminds us of her age and her other issues and her weariness is justified. She is downstairs right now, with a very nice caregiver, while I am here, typing away with a clear conscience.

I have been flamed by some religious loony again. It makes me thankful for the moderation option on this site. I can read the idiocy and the hatred and then dump the whole thing in the trash. And I thought I had too much time on my hands! I wonder what these folks do in their off-time...? It is safe to say that they are irrational medievalists and ripe for the nationalist flag wavers to come along and turn them into the kind of jack-booted street trash that have dominated so many totalitarian regimes.

Watch out America, it could happen here!

Johnnyboy

PC MD problems...

2008-09-07T00:06:00.002-05:00

So I decided to upgrade my PC Doc software tonight.

After paying for a new subscription, I activated the stuff. I then spent the next hour trying to get the damn thing to work with my system. In the end I was able to go into Add/Remove and dump the thing completely. Previous to that movies would not play, McAfee would not load, I could not access my Start menu, etc...

Now it is running just fine. I doubt I can get my $39 back...

Johnnyboy

The End of Summer...

2008-08-31T07:53:00.003-05:00

The cicadas are buzzing easily in the green leaves outside my office window. The Little Blue Heron that has decided to call my pond home has been awake for a few hours now, it's breakfast complete with frogs, tadpoles, insects; mine with juice, vitamins, coffee, and toast as I watched her walk slowly on stick legs...It is sunny today, and is supposed to be quite hot, in the 80s, but the nights are deliciously cool, ideal for sleeping. This is a steady weather pattern for the next few days, and summer is turning a corner, bending the morning light as it moves from view. Sunbeams now stream through my eastern windows, waking me unlike my now unused alarm clock.

School officially begins on the 8th. I cannot access my on-line art course until tomorrow, but that's alright. I have begun some reading for my 'Commie' class. but I want to finish two books this week and begin some others. Then it is paper writing time...My first telephone lecture/discussion is on the 18th, but I would like to have one paper all but finished by then.

I have discovered that a good friend of mine used to be the staff photographer for a local weekly and still has all the darkroom equipment. All that is missing is the room itself and the chemicals. Chemicals I can get, it's the space that seems to be a tough nut to crack. So anyone with any ideas, short of setting up in my bathroom, please share...

It's Sunday, the day before Labor Day. I feel distracted and odd. Maybe I should get out of the house and go take pictures...Just drive. I'm allowed to do that.

Johnnyboy

Can't sleep...Blogging will help...

2008-08-25T23:41:00.002-05:00

My mind is ticking along tonight so I have been tossing and turning in bed for about an hour. Blogging will help, I hope. At least I will have updated some things. Then I'll try sleep once more.

It has been advised that I receive 16 credits for my past career instead of 12, which is great. I hope they grant my wish. That means after this next semester I will only need 20 credits to graduate!

This is how I plan to spend my final three semesters...

8 credits consist of a capstone Senior Thesis on history, probably Balkan in nature. The other 12 (three classes) will probably be artistic in nature, specifically photographic, and all involving a darkroom. I will have to cross-register at Hudson Valley Community College but it will allow me to take B/W Photography I and II and Color Photography and developing. This goes a long way in giving me enough undergraduate credits to fulfill requirements for an MFA program; where, I do not know, but probably within the SUNY system.

Mom is doing well. The Caregiving Women are saving my life, and my sanity. I was able to go to a wonderful presentation of Dylan Thomas' 'Under Milkwood' last night that blew me a way. I didn't worry once about how she was or what was going on at home.

I went back to a meeting tonight that I had not attended for about 4 months. It is a Big Book study in nearby Cataractburg, one that I have always enjoyed and benefited from. Unfortunately, aside from one or two old faces, the attendees were all new and somewhat dim in thought. It is a good lesson for me in remembering what I can bring to the meeting instead of what I take. I hope I helped others. Anyway, someone asked me to be his temporary sponsor. He's a nice guy who has had trouble staying away from the substances that baffle and bedevil him. So guess it was a good idea to go.

Tomorrow I am driving another fellow to his out-patient alcohol program twenty minutes away, waiting for him for two hours, and then driving back. I'll bring my camera and a book and get some work done. I'm shooting on 35mm film these days, so it will be a nice change.

I'll try to update more often.

Johnnyboy

Oy! Long time, no bloggink...

2008-08-23T19:27:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the long absence cats and kittens. Forgive me. So much has been happening, but really nothing different than the last post...The big difference is in me.

In many ways I am freer than I have ever been. The Caregiving Women who are looking after my mom have given some ultimatums. The first is that I "get a life". They are good friends, and I know what they mean.

Until last March I have been looking after my mother, watching her slow decline, and thinking only of her, for the most part. With their arrival last spring came the 'Freeing of Johnnyboy'. The best way to describe it is that when I leave the house for any reason (gym, meetings, The Big City, etc...) I do not have the thought in my head that I must get home to save the day. What a relief!

I have gone to the movies with a very pretty young woman; today I spent the day in The Big City with friends doing photography stuff; and tomorrow night I am going to see "Under Milkwood" at a nearby summer theater with another friend. I even sleep better, not having to be 'on point' like I used to be. Yesterday I went to an acupuncturist (accupuncturer?) for a session of intense body and energy work.

What will tomorrow bring?

For my photographic friends like Fred here is a cool link that may help you with many of your more retro photography needs...The Frugal Photographer

Johnnyboy

Quick update...

2008-08-13T08:16:00.002-05:00

Now that I have been hone for about a week I have decided to give a run-down of the past day's events.

My jet-lag lasted about 4 days, but was not a bother, really. I just made sure I drank enough water and had a lie-down when I became worn out in the afternoon. By Sunday night it was all gone.

Mom is doing surprisingly well, considering she has moderate cognitive impairment, is 84, and was diagnosed with erlichthiosis 3 weeks ago....Her weeks of antibiotics are over but she still gets worn out easily. Bed rest with moments of activity and action are the prescribed medicines now. Her caregivers are here, and will be until we no longer need them. In short, my time as caregiver has passed. For three years I did what they are doing and neglected my own life. My activities were kept to meetings, school, and the occasional trip. My mental state was one of constant worry about mom and "what if something happens when I'm out of the house" type of thinking.

I no longer think like that. I can now live a freer life. So the caregivers that are here are really working for me as well. Amazing.

There is a big show at the New York Botanical Garden that I want to see before it closes--The Orchid Show. Then there are some museums to visit...Things to do, people to see...

My Fall semester is shaping up as well. I am taking a Digital Art and Design course and I have designed, with another professor, a course called 'US-Caribbean Foreign Policy During the Cold War'. I have also been evaluated by a professional concerning the 12 credits I am asking for from my Associates Degree in Culinary Arts. She said she is going to recommend these be awarded at the advanced level. That means (I think) that if this all goes well, I will only have another 24 credits left to complete before my BA is finished!

That's on;y three semesters...That would be very cool. It would also put me ahead of schedule for my MFA proposal.

So much going on! Yay!

Johnnyboy

Finally...

2008-08-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

Home again.

Johnnyboy

Here in Croatia..the Dalmatian Coast...

2008-08-02T14:32:00.002-05:00

''Night and day'' is the way to describe there and here. My bus ride from Bosnia to Split was uneventful and comfortable. The difference when we crossed the frontier was striking. Prosperous and well groomed Croatia is a long way from the rough and tumble Bosnian Wild West.

Tonight I dined well. ''Hobotnice salate'', Octopus salad, with fresh tomatoes, potatoes, garlic, parsley, olive oil and lemon juice. Then ''Škampi sa buzaru''--whole shrimp (head, claws and all) poached in a light and fresh tomato sauce with lots of bread to sop it all up. Amazing. After living on mixed grill, čevapi, and cabbage salad for almost three months, I was in heaven.

I am now in a Cybercafe and the Gypsy Kings are on the stereo; there is a rock band playing Croatian blues on the seaside promenade and people of every culture strolling about in the mid-evening night; the cafes are full, the seaport is hopping and life is better than good.

I was able to get to a meeting tonight around 5:30 which filled my heart as I also saw a couple of old AA friends from here. Great feeling and joy.

I had a bizarre conversation with a priest last night. He claimed that The Pill was responsible for almost all the divorces in the US, the gradual feminizing of men, and the rise in homosexuality. It all has to do with changing body chemistry in women leading to enhanced pheromones and estrogen in the water supply. For some reason I started thinking of Colonel Ripper in ''Dr. Strangelove'' with his obsession about bodily fluids and how fluoride in the water was a communist plot to undermine his natural essences. Crazy is as crazy does, as Gump would say.

On my way home never felt so good.

Johnnyboy

Final Bosnian post...

2008-08-01T03:45:00.002-05:00

It is now 10:45AM here in Međugorje. Tomorrow morning at 7:30 I board the bus for the Croatian Coast. By this time tomorrow I will be pulling into the bus station in Split. What a relief to be back on the road!

The next day I fly to Budapest on Malev Airlines. There is an English speaking AA meeting that evening in Budapest that I will be attending, so I am looking forward to that.

My experience here has been amazing. There is so much to admire and be inspired by, but at the same time there is much to avoid and walk away from politely. It will take several weeks at home to process this information and be able to speak about it in an organized and linear fashion.

Last night I had dinner with my co-workers Janet and Joe. As I was raising my water glass for a toast, they bowed their heads in prayer. They blessed the food, and then prayed for me and my safety, and the well-being of my mother. I was so moved I almost cried. That is part of what I admire here--a quiet faith and benevolent devotion to their own Higher Power. All the tourist shops, the egos trying to control the scene, and the throngs of pilgrims all elbowing their way to-and-from church is a mere facade. Janet and Joe's prayer reminded me of my own Higher Power and how it moves me to service and compassion.

I guess the above is part of the processing. More to come. I'll update from Budapest.

Johnnyboy

The results of paranoia...

2008-07-29T11:18:00.003-05:00

I didn't exactly sweat through the night, nor did I go to work dreading the inevitable, which is a good thing, because nothing happened. The final analysis?

I am paranoid. My fragile ego still thinks that people are talking about me, scheming, planning, behind my back. I had this vision of me locked in a room and being told that I cannot come out until I accept Holy Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, blah, blah, blah...What rubbish!

Nothing happened--except that I helped to load 26 huge garbage bags full of donated clothes into a storage room and then spent the next hour downloading pictures to my co-workers computer. That was it.

On another note, I have decided to sell my little PC laptop and buy a Mac to replace it. This unit will stay off the Internet and be used strictly for movie, music, and photo work. The one I am looking at is this one. I will be able to run all my old Windows software like Word and so forth, plus it will work better with my new PhotoShop CS3 setup. There is also a program called Aperture 2 that looks nice. Also...I get a discount since I am buying it as a student, which is good because it is very expensive.

Tonight is my penultimate AA meeting here in Međugorje; I have purchased my bus ticket for Saturday; All I need to do is pack my bags and...

Leave.

Johnnyboy

Counting down...

2008-07-28T04:31:00.002-05:00

In five days I will be out of Bosnia, gone from Međugorje, and in Split, Croatia. Simple joy cannot express the feeling. Although i have met and worked with some remarkable people here, most have been illustrative of...whatever. I have spoken enough of them already.

The other day I was on a bus heading into the center of the country. The thought suddenly crossed my mind, ''what am I doing here in Bosnia?'' It was as if I had realized I had awoken from a weird dream. I mean, really...Bosnia? Of course, I am volunteering, etc...but it reaffirmed the fact that I have been here too long, seen too much to be instructive, and so forth. I have grown to loathe this country in many ways. What I love about it is very superficial.

If I never see another bullet-ridden shell of a blown-up building, another nationalistic graffiti strewn concrete wall, or another banner-toting reactionary, it will be too long.

Today I work with my good friend Janet again, and tomorrow afternoon as well. Then it is a final three days of laundry, packing, a bus ticket purchase, and 'do veđenja Bosna', maybe forever.

I am actually growing paranoid about some of the people here. There are too many holy-rollers, theocratic flag-wavers, and narrow-minded sycophants for my taste.

Johnnyboy

Let sleeping dogs...go back to sleep.

2008-07-23T10:28:00.003-05:00

After the incident on Sunday night, I was concerned about sabotage, fallout, or whatever. Honestly, I was nervous about sticking my head out the door. But I threw caution to the wind and headed out into the world.

So far, so good. This puts in sharp relief the tendency I still have to blow things out of proportion. I also tend to let others live rent free in my head...still! I guess in most cases this would not happen, but here in Međugorje it did. I have decided to not bother anyone else with the issue, and certainly not bring the topic up again. Henceforth, I will refer to it as 'the topic'.

I ended up talking to another AA about it, though. This fellow knows something about being controversial in this place and as a Roman Catholic, seeing as he is gay. He's a really nice guy and talked me down from my fear and reminded me that anywhere else I might have been able to have a civil discussion about 'the topic' but not here in the heart of fundamentalism. He reminded me to keep my business close to my chest as well, seeing as this is a small town and people are really bored. Therefore, one's own business is very interesting to them.

Today has been a cloudy and cold day, with frequent high winds. Not much of a summer scene, but it will change. I had nothing to do today so I read, had lunch, napped, had some coffee, and now I am here updating. Tomorrow bodes more of the same, but the sun is supposed to return in the afternoon. Friday I head off early for a blissful and anonymous weekend alone in central Bosnia to the small town of Jajce (Yay-yets-say). I return on Sunday evening. Monday through Wednesday are pretty busy and then just two days until I leave this one-god-town.

Not a moment too soon...Go back to sleep now doggy. Good dog.

Johnnyboy

Fundamental rights of the individual...

2008-07-21T02:49:00.002-05:00

Last night I became embroiled in a heated ''discussion''. It started off with a a brief outline of the recent Treaty of Lisbon with an Irish couple and the next thing I knew I defending Roe vs Wade while they started preaching at me - at me.

The upshot is that I had believe in god or else. My ''rational mind is blocking the Spirit of God from entering me.'' To be honest that sounds a bit invasive... I was willing to respect their right to believe in what they wished to believe in, yet they were unable to let me have my own beliefs in return.

This is yet another glaring difference between the system in Europe and United States. It makes me understand even more fully why my ancestors left the European continent (Ireland, Scotland, and Germany) in search of a different life. After realizing that the discussion had disintegrated completely and there was no debate anymore, and I was being preached at, I said, ''Excuse me, I do not appreciate being preached at, so this is where I say 'good night'.'' I left the table.

The jist of their rationale is that it is alright for the government to tell women what to do with their bodies--in this case. So where does it end...? What will they allow their government to do next? Will they allow their government to tell them how to worship? How about peaceful assembly? How about the right to vote? What about free speech? It sounds to me as if these two extremely devout, fundamentalist, Vatican II, Roman Catholics would fit right in in a totalitarian or fascist system. Let the government tell you when, and how, to take a dump. I was so shaken up by this 'conversation' that it took three phone calls and another three hours before I fell asleep.

This is what I dreamed...

I was on a religious retreat as an exploration of faith. We were in the woods around a long wooden table, very roughly hewn. There were about five of us...all dressed in robes, not unlike monk's habits. Dinner was thin soup, salad on wooden plates, and white wine followed by small jiggers of fiery brandy. I drank the wine and brandy...I had a drunk dream, and awful one. I tried in vain to contact anyone via text-messaging and finally reached my sponsor, telling him that these people were crazy and I had to get out. He told me that all was well and that I did not have to believe what they believed. I was planning my escape from the group when it was announced that the retreat was over and we would all be driven home. On the bus back home I commented to some other attendees that this way was not for me, and perhaps not for everyone. They agreed, the sun came out, and all was well. End of dream.

What a relief! My right to believe what I wish to believe is safe from the dogmatic and draconian Old World. I do not have to agree with what anyone else believes either, merely respect their right to belief. That is a fundamental right that all human beings must have. It is the foundation upon which all others are built.

I have used way too many italicized words in this post.

Sorry to sound preachy.

I'll have more to report on this, I imagine.

Johnnyboy

Photo updates, and more...

2008-07-17T03:45:00.002-05:00

I have updated the current trip photos to include several that I took yesterday. I think they are an accurate commentary on Međugorje, from the banal to the sublime. One is picture of the ceiling in my flat, as seen when lying on my bed. I thought is was an interesting play of light, shadow, and architecture.

I will be at home, in my house, in Somewheresville, Anywhere County, on August 6th. So I leave here in about 2 1/2 weeks and then 4 days in Budapest. I am hoping to get some good pictures there, especially in the Statue Park Museum outside the city. It is a big open space where the government has sent all the old Stalinist and other communist monoliths that used to pervade the area. It is open to the public. I am hoping for partly cloudy conditions to add to the dynamic.

This weekend is the second, and probably last, AA meeting in Mostar. Since I covered this pretty well in a previous post, I won't belabor you all with the political details. I will post an update on the outcome.

Next weekend I have reservations in a small hotel in the town of Jajce (Yai-yeets-say), which was one of Tito's favorite haunts. It is situated at the meeting of two rivers, and there is a real, honest-to-god waterfall in the town square.

During the war Jajce was the site of heavy fighting, changing hands several times between the three armies. The Bosnian Serbs and Bosnian Croats blew it up, including the Turkish style home. Eventually the Bosnian Croats captured it and kept it. Now it is mostly Bosnian Serb, with a large Bosnian Croat minority and a smaller Bosniak population. It used to be almost all Bosniak. I have heard UNESCO is preparing to step in and take charge, which would mean a re-building of all the old structures, like they did in Počitelj. So I will stay there for two nights and come back. I leave Međugorje the following Saturday morning at 7:30 for Split, Croatia, and then Budapest the day after. All my hotels are booked, as are the flights. All I have to do is show up.

It's interesting to note that the closer I am to leaving the faster the time goes, like water down the drain...

Johnnyboy

Making a pledge...

2008-07-15T15:21:00.002-05:00

"Photography is 50% photographer, 40% light, and 10% equipment."

The above quote is from a ubiquitous photography website. I do not know who said it, but I like it. It reminds me of the ''90% perspiration and 10% inspiration'' quote.

I am looking forward to going home. I miss my friends, family, and honestly, despite the current economic situation, and all things being relative, I am missing the abundance and ease of the United States. As the numbers show, we are still the biggest with the most. I do not mean to offend anyone with this statement, but it is true. We are also the most tolerant, most devoted to personal freedom, and most likely to continue on that path. Other countries may be equally forward thinking on some fronts, but they tend to suffer on others. In the US we can be easily led as well. But I think the people of the US is still on a committed path of change and growth.

Many countries assume freedom and liberty will be granted to them once the right person is in power, handed out like a bus pass. This rarely happens. In the US our tendency is to fight against the current paradigm in some fashion, whatever it is. Disagreeing is not a crime even though some government people would like to make it so. A couple hundred million people will fight that idea--and they vote (when they feel like it).

So my pledge has nothing to do with the above anthro-political statement. It has to do with my decision to take fewer but better pictures; to try to capture the human moment on film.

That's it.

Mostar AA meeting update...

2008-07-12T13:15:00.003-05:00

Well...I was right. Nada, from The Klub, sabotaged the meeting by telling the director of the Social Services Center that since it was too hot, July, etc...That the meeting would not be held. This means, of course, that she thinks that she is organizing the meeting. Bullshit.

A couple of phone calls later and we had arranged for someone the open the gates and the door, which were padlocked and barricaded. I mean really padlocked and barricaded. So Janet and I, with the two interpreters went in and held the meeting. Four other people showed up--a family, actually. The husband is an Irishman who is in the program and who I knew was coming. His Croatian wife, her elderly mother, and her brother were in tow. The brother had been in a 'therapeutic community' for drug addiction and had dropped out after 18 months. For this he is now ostracized by the 'therapeutic community' and is not allowed to contact them, or return. The mother is dealing with an angry drunk of a husband at home, and the daughter just wants someone else to deal with the problems. These three were the focus of our qualifications.

I was shocked to discover that this young fellow was being shunned by those seeking treatment or offering it. I was not shocked, however, by the realization that the whole family is under the impression that they can be 'cured' and can be happy without continued support. This is the kind of denial that permeates the 'recovery' field here. Also, that there is someone out there who is going to hand them a panacea of some sort to solve their problems without them getting off their asses and doing anything themselves.

This is one of the horrible realities of the post-Yugoslavian world. They have been duped, lied to, and manipulated by their corrupt leaders and turned into sheep to be driven around the field.
Not all the people here are like that. Those that have been able to leave for a period of time and return are the ones that shake their heads in disbelief, or they take advantage of the weak and prosper financially and politically at their expense.

Anyway, I'll stay sober. After that we all drove to the small town of Stolac (Sto-lats) and visited a wonderful family. The two youngest, Nikola (41) and his sister Treza (43) have Muscular Dystrophy. Their 74 year old mother suffered a major stroke last August and the local 'doctor' told her that she would be dead in two months. She's better than ever. The whole family is doing well and the visit was a very positive and uplifting event for me. We are arranging for their firewood for the winter, which is how they heat their cozy and simple home in the mountains of Herzegovina. They have no money, but they have a lot of faith. They are happy, joyous, and free in their own way.

Just when I think I have lost all hope in these people, my feelings are turned around by such moments.

So screw Nada, The Klub, and their outdated and fearful program. Screw the draconian and deeply flawed 'therapeutic communities' that destroy the self and push those who do not obey out into the cold of addiction and pain. My program of recovery has only one requirement for membership...The desire to stop drinking. Those that leave rehab early are welcome at my meetings with open arms. Because of this I will not drink today.

Johnnyboy

The First AA meeting in Mostar, BiH....

2008-07-12T03:46:00.004-05:00

As I stepped out of the shower this morning my mobile rang. It was my fellow AA and co-worker Janet. She said that she'd swing by at 11:30 to pick me up and that the AA meeting in Mostar had already suffered some kind of sabotage. She didn't go into details, but I can guess that Nada and her 'AA Klub' are trying to hijack the meeting that we have arranged. This is to be expected, I think, especially from someone who's power she feels is threatened by the real AA from the West, and not the Cold War version perpetrated in this area.

So I'll update with the facts when I return later this afternoon, but until then, I won't hold my breath. Janet and I will keep the meeting very simple and direct. What we are trying to do today is clarify what AA is, and more important, what it is not. Whether this succeeds or not is up to the Powers that Turn the Big Wheel.

I have been reading a lot...Some great fiction and also some very entertaining pulpy kind of stuff, mostly crime novels by Christopher Brookmyre and also some supernatural thrillers about a modern day wizard named Harry Dresden, both of which have been very relaxing to read in a can't-put-it-down kind of way. I guess the ''Dresden Files'' have been made into a 13-part series on the Sci-Fi Network. I'll add those to my Netflix account today as well.

That's it for now...More to come.

Johnnyboy

Why am I here...If not to ask questions like these?

2008-07-07T14:59:00.004-05:00

I was upstairs reading Orham Pamuk's novel 'The Black Book', and began to be distracted by the above thought. Why am I here, in this place, today? Do I travel in order to miss the place I call home or do I leave home merely to find myself at sea with these dilemmas? Am I searching for something that I believe is in one of life's little dark corners and then come to find that, like Poe's 'The Purloined Letter', the answer has been right before me all the time?

Tomorrow I help Janet clean out a storage space so we can fill it with donated goods, then off to help those who need help. These and other simple tasks I can understand, for they serve an immediate and useful purpose, but all this traveling about...What am I looking for? Have I lost sight of some objective that I may have had many years ago or am I so deep within the answer that I cannot see the forest for the trees?

This will keep me awake for the night, I fear.

Slow times, reading, and some travel...

2008-07-07T03:07:00.003-05:00

I have become a fixture here at the Irish Center in Međugorje. I don't know if that is a bad thing or not, but there it is. I have a feeling I have become 'that guy that lives upstairs and spends too much time on the internet and never goes to church'. I also travel out of town enough to make them curious, I think. 'Why is he here in Međugorje?', they ask...

I spent half the weekend away, traveling to a small town halfway between here and Sarajevo. The draw is the roast lamb on a spit served by the 10 restaurants that line the road on the outskirts of he village. The only other thing the town is famous for is the noted retreat by Partisan forces from the Nazis in 1943, in which the Partisans destroyed the railroad bridge to prevent the invaders from following in hot pursuit. This is a highly spurious claim and has been the subject of communist Yugoslavian propaganda since the event occurred, but the remains of the bridge hang in memoriam and the small museum stands to commemorate the action of the brave and fearless partisans. The real history is, of course, less than dramatic.

The truth of German occupation in Yugoslavia is less than brutal. During the war Hitler only had four divisions in Yugoslavia, and these were not very experienced, strong, or capable in any way. The Partisans, on the other hand, have always been portrayed as constantly at the throats of their nemeses. The fact is that the Germans sort of pushed the poorly armed and organized communists around the country until 1944-45 and Tito and the Partisans were always one step away from getting caught. Get the picture?

There is a lot of propaganda around here, so I only believe what I read from the reputable sources on the outside, i.e. scholars. One good book is called 'A Short History of Bosnia', by Noel Malcolm. He's an English writer and in his work dispels many myths surrounding the past history of Bosnia including those perpetrated by a small nationalistic minority in the late 1980s and through the wars of the 1990s. Good book.

Anyway...The lamb was good (not great, but good), the museum small and moving, and my hotel indicative of communist lodgings from the 1970s. Clean, neat, with sheets like boiled sandpaper. I have posted some pictures on the Picasa site (follow the Juggler, and then My Public Galleries).

I visit the young man with the club foot tomorrow and will give him the new sneakers I have bought for him. That and the three AA meetings are all that's on the agenda for this week.

I am ready to come home...less than a month! Yay!

Johnnyboy

Daytripping...

2008-07-01T06:10:00.004-05:00

So I have some days off. This is due primarily to the heat. No social service offices or doctors are seeing anyone. Too hot, must rest. It is July here in Herzegovina, and that means hot. Rain? Maybe...but it won't cool things down.

Today I took a quick day trip to the small town of Počitelj (Poe-che-tell-ya). It is about 10km from the Croatian border and about 60km from the Montenegrin frontier. It is a prime example of 15th century Turkish architecture and design, lying peacefully along the Neretva River. In 1992, when the war began, a group from the UN arrived there and declared the town safe from harm and undisturbed. No damage, nothing...

Almost a year later (July, 1993, btw), the HVO (Croatian Defense Council) entered the village. First they gathered the 3000 ethnic Muslims (men, women, and children) and shipped them off to a concentration camp. Many died...the number is unknown. After the village was clear, the HVO soldiers blew up the 500 year old mosque, toppling the minaret into the cupola, leveling the baths, and then proceeded to destroy most of the old home that had stood there for many generations. It must be noted that Christians and Muslims had lived side-by-side there for hundreds of years, even sharing a graveyard. The soldiers then stuck a large cross on top of the derelict Turkish fortress. Then they left, their defacing and despoiling finished. As the war progressed, Catholic Bosnian Croats were re-located there from around the country.

In 2000, the UN and its antiquities department, UNESCO, declared the town a World Heritage Spot. A little late, perhaps, but the HVO would never had paid any attention anyway. Since then the mosque has been completely rebuilt and most of the houses as well. The maddrasa that once schooled generations of Muslim students now teaches Catholic children. The Neretva River still flows alongside the village, the constant witness to the devastation and pain that this place has endured.

Enjoy the pictures.

Johnnyboy

Really amazing...Kinda weird...

2008-06-28T03:07:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I received an email from the USA. It was from my first sponsor, Will B. He still lives near where I live and works as a counselor at Hillslope Rehab Clinic. He has been there a while, ever since I have known him actually. When I first met him he was a devout Buddhist--meditation, kundalini, the whole bit. In fact, that is what attracted me to him as a sponsor, because he was not shouting about 'God' and so forth.

After I went to jail he abandoned me. No letters, a couple of phone calls (in one he told me never to call him again), and that's it. When I got out I called him several times at work and left messages, but to my recollection, he never called me back. Gone with the wind, and my conscious clear.

That has all changed.

His email to me was all about this place, Međugorje, and how he has been a devout practicing Roman Catholic for 'some time now' (it hasn't been that long) and is going to write a book about recovery using the messages of 'Our Lady', (i.e. you-know-who's mama) in a '5 Step' program, with testimonies from the recovered in the back, '...like the Big Book'. He wants my help. What is even spookier is that he said he was here at the beginning of June for a week. I was here then too...I am very happy we did not run into each other. That would have too weird, and he would have seen it as a sign from his god.

He asked to pass his email on to others so I passed it along to my friend Janet, with no promises. She responded this morning to me, and she said we'll talk about it...

Frankly I wish to stay as far from this as possible. I don't want to be part of something that has already been done, as in the Oxford group. My email to Will stated this in a very gentle way, as in, and I quote myself, 'To be honest, I had never been to Međugorje, and although the devotion of some of the people who visit is admirable, it's not my kind of place. I prefer a more balanced cultural experience.'

I hope he gets the hint.

To be truthful, I find his sudden devotion an indication that he is still grasping at straws with his spirituality. It is spooky, and for some reason I have a feeling he could be one of these dangerous, proselytizing zealots. I did tell him that it would be good to have coffee when I get back. I bet it never happens.

I fully expect that in three years he will have converted to Judaism.

Johnnyboy

I, atheist...

2008-06-24T11:48:00.002-05:00

The more time I spend here, the more I am realizing that I am an atheist (not agnostic). My belief in a Higher Power has very little to do with an active god in my life, but rather a power that exists in the universe that has no consciousness or plan. Call it bio-electric, call it whatever you want, but I think it is a quantifiable substance that all life exudes, absorbs, contains, etc...When we die, this energy is released into the ether and absorbed by other life forms.

My faith consists of knowing that this energy exists and allows us to have 6th sense feelings about people and situations, thus the idea if 'vibes', good or bad.

We are attracted to people with similar vibes as a matter of simple magnetism, and repelled by those who do not have that.

People's actions can change the charge of said energy, hence when I was drinking, my vibe changed and altered not only my aura (for lack of a better term) but consequently, my personality, attracting me to people and situations that I would normally find not suitable.

This feels very good to me. As if have been able to see something that was always there, but needed this dichotomy of faith and belief to truly be seen. It is also larger and more powerful than me, connecting as it does the entire universe.

Thank you, Obi-wan Kenobi...

Johnnyboy

Hot, hot, hot...Did I say 'hot?'

2008-06-23T03:14:00.001-05:00

At 8:30 AM....and the power just went out when I wrote that, and went back on about 5 minutes later. It is now 3:07 in the afternoon and I spent most of the morning putting together the first grouping of some pictures from Bosnia and beyond. I have put them in a new public folder that one can link to through my Picasa site. Find the picture of the guy juggling on this blog and click...search around, you'll find it.

Still hot, but that does not deter the pilgrims from climbing the mountain and praying at the cross. The 12 Stations are on the way up, so I hope they bring water, sunscreen, hats, etc...very dangerous weather.

A group of Irish Travelers rolled into town last night. For those who do not know, they are Irish Gypsies and famous for their disrespect, thievery, and inbreeding. This is not a rumor. I can vouch for this. They are to be avoided at all costs. the children are taught early to emulate their parents and support them through begging, theft, and the old bait-and-switch game. You know, distract you over there and rob you over here. Once again, this is no joke. My Irish friends here tell stories about how the Travelers show up at night, pitch tents in a car park or field, and stay until they have completely despoiled the place with garbage and broken junk. I imagine they will be here all week. Spiritual paths can cross at the oddest times.

I have figured out why I was counting the days. Here in Međugorje, it can be pretty boring, the days all being the same, with nothing here that really interests me except for my work. The town itself has nothing to offer for me really (no museums, no culture, no music, etc...and it's not home!) so I tend to while away my days reading, sleeping, eating...Just like jail. When I go away for a long weekend, however, the counting stops and I am engaged in the real world, where cultures mix and sometimes clash, and the streets are filled with local people, instead of a patchwork population of Catholic devout.

How hot is it? probably around 38* Celsius, so...about 102*F. Not a cloud in sight...

Johnnyboy

Hot time in the Stari Grad tonight...

2008-06-19T09:28:00.002-05:00

I'm off to Sarajevo tomorrow for a couple of days and have been given the green light to stay longer should some cool social activity arise. I won't push that, but the possibility of staying there until Monday is there. My boss, however, told me that some of her friends are coming in this weekend and she could arrange for me to meet them for dinner Sunday night. That sounds interesting and fun so I will probably keep it simple and come back on Saturday evening.

It is hot today...and it will get hotter. It is about 33*C which is around 91*F (double the Celsius and add 26). The weather for Sarajevo is supposed to be the same this weekend, so I'll leave my brolly in my apartment.

Today was a good day of emotional/medical support for one of the people we take care of. He suffers from congenital cystic myalgia, which presents itself in tumors all over his body which swell in the hot weather. His father died of this because it was left untreated, and both his brothers suffer from this and other mental and physical disabilities. So we went to the local clinic and waited while the rounds doctor made his diagnoses: some surgery and then biopsy. The people are scared of what might be, so our job is very important. It was joy to see Janet at work, both soothing worry and forcing the mother to stand up and deal with it. Truly a lesson in diplomacy and action. We will find out the news soon enough.

Tonight's AA meeting will be on the topic of freedom and how once I surrendered to the disease of alcoholism and put the bottle down, I set in motion a progression of recovery that has freed me from my own disabilities . It is my first time chairing here in Međugorje, and I am a bit nervous, but we have a script to follow and we only use conference approved literature. I'll turn the rest over to HP.

More to come...

Johnnyboy

Good news, and odd working hours...

2008-06-17T13:52:00.003-05:00

It's raining again. Again. I mean, it seems to be raining all over Europe. Usually at this time of year the heat would be climbing and the drought would be building. Two years ago it stopped raining in mid-May and didn't start until the end of September. That's extreme. Oh well....when it rains it pours. It isn't cold, luckily, and I think tomorrow is supposed to be sunny, but with all this moisture about, the temperature, even on the sunny days hasn't topped 80°F.

This is bad for business for the little cafes and souvenir shops around here, whose earnest owners depend upon the summer crowds being out on the street, in throngs, buying up the rosaries, statuettes, baseball caps, and monogrammed shirts that make up the bulk of their stock. With this weather, most folks stay at home, in their pansions or rented apartments. I suppose they watch TV, play cards, read, and do whatever people do on rainy days. Hmmm...it could lead to a small spike in the birthrate nine months from now. Would that be considered the fruit of numerous 'immaculate conceptions'? After all, the rain weary pilgrims are here for a holy purpose...

My working hours are strange. There are long stretches of doing nothing, then a few days of activity, visits, and picture taking. We seem to be in a lull of sorts right now, with some work, but my boss's chronic fatigue syndrome is acting up. It comes on quickly, in the middle of work, and she needs to crash. With her other manageable health issues, this increasingly complicates her life. She needs to conserve energy this week, because the primary fundraisers for our work arrive to celebrate the anniversary of the first appearance of the Virgin Mary which gives fame and hopeful fortune to the locals and spiritual solace to millions of wandering seekers. I worry about her, because she is so efficient in her capacity as an aid facilitator, or social work liaison, or whatever you wish to call it, that she does nothing for herself. It is rare that I see her buy something nice for herself. Today we were supposed to find some flowers for her front garden, but she was overwhelmed with fatigue around 2PM, so we went home. So, my prayer for her is some good rest and some time for herself just to be.

I have spoken to both of my sisters this past week as they have both been visiting mom. Mom is doing great and her new doctor has taken her off of some of her cardiac meds, thinking that her heart doesn't need to work that hard and also some of the meds that her previous doc had her on that were actually hurting her now.

Both sisters are wonderfully impressed with the level of care mom is getting now as well...The women are smart, savvy, fun, and ready to work, not at all like some home care folks that can be dour and all-too-serious.

I just received word that I have tomorrow off...What to do? I think I'll explore the surrounding town and take it easy...read, get some writing in, get ready for my day trip this weekend...Actually from the way it sounds I could take off tomorrow, but I have to take care of an AA meeting Thursday night, so Friday is still the day I split for Sarajevo.

...I have found myself counting the days until I get home...49

Johnnyboy

Balance and viewpoint...

2008-06-15T10:58:00.003-05:00

I was speaking with a Bosnian Croat today who had graduated from University with a history degree. We discussed the ability to write about history from an impartial standpoint. After a while the subject turned to the most recent badness around here and he became very pointed. Be watchful of English journalists, and there isn't much that is impartial. After a while I realized that I was speaking to a Bosnian Croat and that he was indeed speaking in that function. So here inside the Balkan bubble, there is no such thing as impartiality, only nationalistic opinion.

Then I spent a great 5 hours talking to the owner of my flat, an Irishman who has lived here for four years. We both agreed that the locals were a bunch of nutters who had no sense of history or possibilities of a future. This is the logic: If you offered a local 10 dollars a day to work for you he would. Then say, 'I am paying you 1000 dollars at the end of the month instead of 10 a day', he would take the daily wage first. Nutters.

More work tomorrow, then, I hope, more work all week before I go back to Sarajevo this weekend for the Run Against Drugs being sponsored by the US Consulate. More to come...

Johnnyboy

My friend, Eliot Asinof, dead at 88 years of age...

2008-06-11T09:42:00.004-05:00

Today's New York Times had Eliot's obituary in it. This is sad news in Mudville indeed. He was a wonderful man, with a kind and grumpy heart, a real curmudgeon. He was a writer of some fame, having worked in Hollywood as a screenwriter in the 40s and 50s and then being blacklisted during the McCarthy era. He made a great comeback, though, with his seminal work 'Eight Men Out', which was made into a film. He was a good man, an excellent neighbor, and a fixture in the Somewheresville scene. He wrangled with the best minds in the town over coffee and breakfast at first the Cinnamon Twist and then The Farmer's Wife. His mushroom hunting skills garnered shopping bags of morels and chanterelles, and he was known for his baked chicken with walnuts. The little town I live in has grown considerable smaller in the 24 hours since his departure from this plane of existence. As a writer he leaves behind a prolific testimony: 12 novels, countless screenplays, teleplays, and numerous cameo appearances in John Sayles' (with whom he shared a deep friendship) films.

Farewell Eliot...Be well, do good work, and take the rest of the day off...

Johnnyboy

Some time with the Roma...

2008-06-10T11:14:00.004-05:00

The day has been hot, but I was busy nonetheless. My boss, Janet, and I went into Mostar this morning at around 8:30am accompanied by our able and friendly translator/assistant/friend, Vesna. Actually she's Janet's translator, my friend. She certainly does the work of three people! First we stopped by the Roma encampment by the Neretva River to see how they were faring, and how many have left. The city is planning a large apartment complex on the site where they have built their ramshackle homes, so many of them have moved away, either to less controversial accommodations, or out of town altogether. Some are still there, but those are the ones that actually have a deed of sorts for the property. We visited for a while and I was able to take a few pictures, and we planned on coming back later with food and diapers.

Then we stopped at the Social Services office and Janet made an appointment for a later meeting. After that we stopped by the office of the local Roma president and spoke with him about some of the families that needed homes. He showed us the city approved plans for a Roma community housing complex near the river that is currently being built. It all looks very good on paper, but I will believe it when I see it. Historically these people are maligned and shoved to the bottom of the heap, and after the war they are subject to even more ˝justified˝ prejudiced. The Roma chief was a very nice man, though; small, wiry, and smart. Not the stereotype I was expecting. He made a good subject for the camera as well, and eager to be normal in a society that sees him as a fringe dweller.

Next we had a lunch visit with the founder of the local sobriety 'Klub' (not AA at all) and argued with her as to if we could start an AA meeting in Mostar...Actually Janet played the consummate diplomat, I merely listened. The upshot is that everyone is territorial of their little powers here and anyone coming in and asking to help out can be considered a threat to their self-imposed hierarchy. That is not to say that this woman has not worked miracles in her time, but her responses were all 'no', 'nope', and 'uh-uh' until finally Janet's diplomacy worked and we received a 'Maybe you can help...I'll look into it'. At least it's a small change from the negative.

After that we drove to the supermarket and bought a 25kg bag of flour, some eggs, vegetable oil, fruit, and vegetables and took them back to the the Roma camp. We were well received and there were more of them there, having just come back from begging in the city. We stayed for a little bit and I really think I took some remarkable photos. Once again, I'll wait until I get home to post some, but these are portfolio material, definitely.

To get an idea of their living conditions, imagine a garbage landfill, with a small road running through it. Tar paper and plywood shantys, old cars, and squalor, abject poverty, and disease running rampant. That's Roma life. So the nice office where I visited the local president was not indicative of reality.

25km away lies Međugorje, pride of the Croatian Catholic Church, run by the Franciscans, crammed with 'pilgrims' from around the world wanting to see a miracle or two or at least grow closer to their God. They certainly spend the money to do so. I hope they find it, I really do, because there are people in the world who could really use a miracle or two in their lives.

...and I wanted to be humbled...

Johnnyboy

Catholic Mass, amazing foot massage, and taking pictures of Gypsies...

2008-06-09T10:54:00.002-05:00

Well, I took the plunge. I joined my boss this morning for a Mass at the big church here in town. The most remarkable thing is that I did not turn into a Catholic! In fact, I got a lot out of the message, which had a lot to do with faith, searching for it, and not thinking that when we have it, it is enough to keep it the same. Faith must grow and change with my life and sobriety. It was no surprise to find that the young Padre who led the mass is a recovering alcoholic himself. His homily sounded a lot like Step 11...

Afterwards I went to lunch for a 'Big Mac' but at a local joint, not MacDonald's. I always make this mistake...Whenever I try to eat something vaguely American overseas, it is not the same. In this case, they don't use beef for the burger meat, but rather unseasoned ground pork, which made the sandwich resemble a large breakfast sausage pattie on an over sized bun. Never again. I'll stick to the local food, as I have always tried. The more it tries to be like home, the farther away it really is. Tonight it's cevapi and pomfrits with salad.

Tomorrow I head back to Mostar for a meeting at the Social Services office and then to the banks of the Neretva River and the Gypsy encampment. I have been assured that picture taking is not only allowed but encouraged. I am hoping for a lot of wonderful shots...Right now I am off to a picture printing place to have some shots of a young man's club foot printed off for the doctors to see...

Johnnyboy

Catholic Fundamentalism, free-thinkers, etc...

2008-06-06T12:27:00.003-05:00

Here in Međugorje there are more statues of Jesus and the Virgin Mary than I have ever seen. One could buy a rosary for every hour of the day and still not count all the little beads. Crosses of every description, even vestments in shop windows. It is Catholicism run amok, gone mad, out the window!

There are some fearful people here who are quick to lash out against those who do not feel that way. There are those that believe that when a Muslim is killed with a Catholic bullet or sword, they are immediately saved and go to heaven, thereby justifying murder and war. The great majority believe in their hearts that there is a grand puppet master behind the curtain pulling all the strings and designing the firmament.

The other day I was having coffee with some folks and one of them said, ˝ Isn't it amazing to look at the stars and realize that we really know nothing about them at all?˝ I mean, really...No hard science, no research, no radar telescopes or radioactive isotopes that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the distance, age, temperature, speed of decay, etc...? What about that funny yellow star that shines during the day around this part of the solar system? It is my conclusion that many of these people live in a twisted version of medievalism and are happy that way. The less thinking they have to do, the better they feel. These are the exact same people who locked up Galileo for thinking the way he did.

Of course, there are some very nice folks who believe more strongly in 'thou shall not judge' and their own version of 'Live and Let Live'. Nice folks, them, my landlords included. I am also working with some nice folks who do not judge, but are very much into education, the broad world, and living in modernism.

Tomorrow I head out for the day to Mostar to take some pictures, which I badly need to do. Being a singular and new town, there isn't much to take pictures of. Not much history in this place, at least not for me. A day away will be a needed break. I need to think the way I need to think and visit the real world for a spell.

I have registered for fall classes and will only be taking two courses, both of them at a distance. the first is US /Caribbean Foreign Policy in the 20th century and the second is Digital Art and Design, both advanced level courses. The second means I will have to purchase PhotoShop and learn that! Yay!

More to come...

Johnnyboy

Međugorje, Bosnia-Herzegovina...

2008-06-04T13:57:00.003-05:00

Well, here I am in Međugorje! What an experience it is already. I have never been around so many people who feel so deeply about faith. It is inspiring, strange, a little daunting, but also a real example of the differences between tourists and pilgrims. These are pilgrims who have come here from all over the world to restrengthen their system of belief. Hundreds of years ago they would have come by foot, cart, and horse. Now it is by car, motor coach, and airplane. I feel somewhat out of place because I am not Catholic, but I think that will pass. As AA has taught me, one must keep an open mind and respect others. I feel nothing but respect for many of these folks, but at the same time, many are plagued by the troubles of society.

Fear is the most common. I was at a cafe the other night eavesdropping on a conversation between some people who were convinced that the Internet is the work of Satan, etc...Real medievalists at their worst. I imagine they would have been great fans of Torquemada and the Inquisition. They were so concerned with the lives of others that I think they missed out on checking their own spiritual conditions.

Anyway...The group that I am working for is fascinating. We are offering a variety of services to different families who are in different sates of need. Some require real medical and social work assistance, while others ask for only a leg up and an occasional helping hand. Some just need someone to speak to. Tomorrow I head off to Mostar, only about 25km from here to visit some of the Roma people that we have helped with housing along the Neretva River. the government wants to tear down their homes and build condos and there may be nothing we can do, but a caring smile and a shoulder to lean on is sometimes more help than one would think.

I have rented a small apartment here for a high price, but with it comes free Internet access, half-price on the laundry services, and great friendship with the Irish owner, Darren Mullan and his friend and assistant (he says 'lackey'), Shane. They are both from the North of Ireland (Armagh and Inniskillen, respectively) and run a great place.

To get an idea of Međugorje, imagine a tourist town (for whatever attraction), with all the trappings, shops, etc...that one would expect, including souvenirs, but transpose the RC Church and fill the shops with countless rosaries, statues of you-know-who in various postures (on and off the cross), and also of his mother. All for sale, of course. Very surreal. I mean really...How many rosaries does one person need? The only reason people come her is to go to church. So there are places to stay, places to eat (all pretty good), and, of course, a big building in the middle of town where they gather all the time. This is a cult in the truest sense of the word.

I'll be here for the next two months. I'd better not turn into a Catholic. My mother would kill me.

I have added some new pictures to my Picasa website...they are on the main page and are dated 'May, 2008'. I'll try to add more, but it can be difficult...big files, slow computers, etc...I'll try to shrink some of the pics down to a manageable size.

Johnnyboy

The Bus to Sarajevo...

2008-05-31T02:33:00.002-05:00

I left Kruševo, Macedonia at 6AM May, 29. I arrived in Sarajevo, Bosnia-Herzegovina at 8AM the next morning. Depending how one travels that is either 850 or 1000 kilometers. You do the math. At one point, in Serbia, it seemed as if the bus were going around in circles in the night. It was as if we stopped at every medium sized town along the way to either pick-up, or disembark, passengers. Then, of course, there was the change of buses in Niš, Serbia. Now there's a real dive of a town. I suppose the old town is nice and there are some important historical sites in the city, but the area around the bus station was the worst kind of red-light district...money changers, prostitutes, nefarious types of all and any persuasion, and me, the itinerant American. That counted for at least 4 hours laying over...at least it wasn't in the middle of the night. I finally slept a few hours just before we arrived in Sarajevo, and then the Serbian bus drivers would not bring us to the main station. They dumped us unceremoniously at the station a few kilometers from town.

I had booked a room at a local pension, but I was not able to find it anywhere. No one knew it, and it was not listed in any directory. The upshot is that this place is not registered so the owners do not have to pay lodging taxes, therefore the cost of a room is less. No worries, however, for I found a very nice place in its stead, the Pansion Čobanija, which is very nice, and the staff is more than helpful. Last night they coached me in grammar and phrases...Nice folks.

Sarajevo is lovely and tragic. The city is once more a thriving center of learning, economics, politics, and culture. The evidence of the war is everywhere, however, as there is probably not a single building that does not show the pock-marked scars of bullets and light arms fire. A few buildings are still pretty bombed out, but most of them are either in the process of being rebuilt, repaired, or even left standing as monuments. As my host Elvir said, ˝Each generation has had its war...˝ Still the city is friendly, promising and full of wonderful photo-ops. I 'll try to post some next week on my Picasa site.

So, I have rested, eaten, shopped, done the tourist thing (for almost a month), and now embark on my real reason for coming here: service. I head of to Međugorje tomorrow and an adventure in service to my fellow man. I will be helping out the Roma, in so far as they want help. That is a big problem in Europe; not only the denial of the over-arching peoples and governments to the needs and hopes of these people, but the overwhelming desire of the Roma to remain separate from the status quo as well. These two aspects combine to make a disastrous reality for the world, in which abuse, malnutrition, ignorance, and fear remain the daily life of an invisible city.

Johnnyboy

Skopje, and more on Thessaloniki...

2008-05-26T13:23:00.003-05:00

An addendum to the Thessaloniki post...

Before 1917 the population of Thessaloniki was half Jewish. Then there was a huge fire that tore through the city. Much of the burg was destroyed. Many Jewish families left the city at that time, moving to Palestine and the USA among other spots. In all reality, the Jewish people built that city and were the primary bankers, shippers, traders, and businessmen for over 150 years. The city would not exist if it were not for them. Then came the Second World War and Hitler, and Eichmann, and the Nazi Final Solution.

First the Nazis rounded up all Jewish men between the ages of 18 and 40 and sent them to work camps around the area. The whole population of Thessaloniki rallied to their defense and secured their release through a huge ransom payment. Then the Nazis desecrated the enormous Jewish graveyard, digging it up, destroying the remains, and smashing all the monuments. The University of Thessaloniki now resides on that once hallowed ground. After that, the entire Jewish population of 50,000 ( it is estimated that only 2 0r 3% evaded capture) was rounded up and packed into cattle cars off to Aushwitz-Birkenthau. On arrival 77% were immediately gassed and cremated, and those that remained were sent to labor. many of them died as well. Very few survived the war.

As of today, in a city of over 350,000 people there are only about 1000 Jews. Their neighborhoods are filled with posh looking cafes and strip joints. Anyway, I have only one question...

Where were the people of Thessaloniki when the cattle cars were being loaded? Was the Nazi propaganda machine that good?

So I left Thessaloniki, gratefully, and am now in sunny, peaceful, although turbulent, Skopje, Macedonia. The food is great (vishla sausages...yum!) and I am on my way tomorrow to visit an AA friend in a nearby town. She works in the Peace Corps. After that, on to Sarajevo...The journey is indeed the thing...

Johnnyboy

Latest news from the road...

2008-05-24T06:45:00.002-05:00

The Greek Convention was lovely. I have come to the conclusion that I need not do everything nor meet everyone...Quality, not quantity. I left and stayed with my friend Godfrey in his flat in Athens for two days and am now in Thessaloníki, which is not Athens.

Although there are some lovely Byzantine churches, fantastic museums, and first rate AA (in Greek), this city is kind of a dump. This is not its fault, however. The place was a jewel up until 1944 when the allies bombed the living be-Jesus out of it. After that it was rebuilt along the same lines as any post-war system of blocks and concrete, as if a giant child was erecting a small city on the sand. What remained of the ancient burg still stood until 1978 when a large earthquake rattled the ancient bricks and mortar, shaking down the city yet again. The remnants of both of these tragedies are still visible, especially in the Old Town area and some spots along the port. UNESCO is funding a lot of renovation and the city is installing a metro system, as there is no mass-transit except for buses, which seem to be reliable and timely.

My hotel is opposite the train and bus stations and occupies the type of neighborhood typical of that geography. The Hotel Rex (138 Euros for 3 nights, including breakfast) is clean and neat, and the door to room #601 locks tightly. The water is hot and I have a superb view of the busy street below from my small terrace. On either side of me are the type of establishments that make this part of town the garden district--a Sex Shop on the left and a Strip club on the right. In fact, the bass reflex from the strip club can be heard faintly at night as I lay my head on my pillow. Still, the area seems safe enough...

I'll be buying my train ticket to Skopje in about an hour. I leave for FYROM tomorrow at 4PM and I will be happy to be back on the road. I'll be at work by next weekend and grateful to have a place to hang my hat for a while and stretch out my washing line.

On a sad note...I was hoping that Cyprus would be picked for the finals of Eurovision tonight, but no dice. There are some really wacky combos up on that stage.

Johnnyboy

Conventions, Greece, bloody nutters...

2008-05-13T01:52:00.002-05:00

Airplane flights can be dull and boring, and if I can sleep I can avoid some of that, but to be honest, I cannot. So I am stuck with dull and boring, and too many carbohydrates!

The Croatian Convention was deeply moving for me, and I met and re-met many people, crazy like me. One of them gave me his blog address, but I won't grass him out...He's a anonymous fellow and I certainly respect that. He has a long history of sobriety and is completely off his nut, but in the best way possible. He has the true spirit of Christmas...

Here I am in Greece, waiting on the next convention. Tomorrow I will travel a short distance and see some sights. After that it is convention time and then off to work in BiH.

I spoke to mom and she is doing well, if a bit more forgetful. Hard realities surround me, but I am grateful that God has given me the chance to experience them fully.

More to come later...Probably next week...

Johnnyboy

Getting ready...

2008-05-01T16:05:00.005-05:00

In just a few days I will be winging my way across the Atlantic and back to the Balkans. I am flying in via Budapest but I am only staying one night there. On the way back in August I will stay about 4-5 days so I can see the city before I come home. I have a special affinity for the place that hosted the Hungarian Revolution of 1956, and although the uprising against the Soviet Union failed, it revealed deep fundamental cracks in Soviet Communism.

My banking affairs are in order, I am fully ticketed for most of my travels, whether it be the two AA conventions, train, or air travel. I have rented a little flat in Bosnia, so I do not have to pay for all my meals out or hotels. It has a bedroom, kitchen, living room, and bathroom--All I need really.

This trip is more than an adventure, and I am no longer a tourist. This promises to be an incredible spiritual journey and pilgrimage.

Here is a picture from the Civil War Residency I attended a few weeks ago. This shot is from Antietam, in Maryland.

There are a few other shots from Manassas and Gettysburg as well in the public gallery...

I'll blog again before I leave.

Johnnyboy

Where do I begin...?

2008-04-28T21:12:00.003-05:00

I haven't blogged since March 23rd. So much has happened. I'll try to sum it up...

1. On February 23rd, while I was at the NERAASA convention in Atlantic City, my mother was walking up the lawn in the rain. She slipped on the wet grass and landed on a flagstone step edge, her right tibia taking all the impact. She thought she was just mildly cut, and did not go the hospital. Two weeks later she decides to tell me, and at this time The Wound (as it is now known) had become deeply infected. It was very deep, like a large (2 inches long by an inch wide) and bloody scabacious mess. So we go to the ER. They patch her up and tell her to go to her PC doctor in Amenia, who, for the next three weeks treats it incorrectly...That's a recap.

Then, in late March, she wakes me up, complaining of back, buttock and upper leg pain. Back to the ER we go, they see The Wound is not healing, CAT scan her back (nothing to see) and we make an appointment with a real doctor who puts The Wound on a different path to healing. In regards to The Wound, it has healed very well and is now little more than a large scrape. All good. The pain in the back, however, has turned out to be something far more serious.

The orthopedist thought it was spinal stenosis, a build up of calcium in the internal vertebrae pressing in on the nerves, kind of like a really bad case of sciatica. That's what the x-ray showed, at least. The treatment: bed rest, physical therapy, and pain management. Three days of excruciating pain later, it was time for the MRI. The results showed two insufficiency fractures in her sacrum, which was the real culprit. The treatment is the same as the stenosis. How she broke this is inconsequential. She could have been doing anything. This is a product of old age and osteoporosis.

For two days I tried to be there for her, do my homework, go to meetings, etc...but it was too much. She could not be left alone. It was not safe. I was going crazy. At one point I realized that I hadn't bathed in 4 days.

So I made the call to the Caregiving Women and they came the next day and promptly, to my relief, took over. Now they are here when I am not, fixing meals, doing the PT, running errands, doctors, and so forth. I must say that I am impressed. They are also, in their spare time, doing a lot of gardening and the place looks really great. Two weeks after they arrived and after twice daily PT, regular Vicodin, and bed rest, she walks with a walker, but without pain. She is on the mend! This will be a long process and the best case scenario is a six-month recovery.

There really is too much to list, label, or go into. I have had an exhausting semester, but will be finished as of tomorrow night. On Sunday I leave for Europe and my next Balkan adventure. I have decided to not go to school in Slovenia, but rather stay in Bosnia an extra month to do more relief work. I return August 6th, but will be updating along the way, so please, stay tuned....

P.S. I'll some pictures from the Civil War Residency tomorrow...

Johnnyboy

Another natural state...

2008-03-23T22:02:00.003-05:00

I had a lovely day today. An elderly friend came down for dinner tonight with my mother and I. It was a joy to share the time with such a man. At one time he was a well known author and screenwriter, but now, in his 89th year, he has become very frail and in ill health. His mental anxiety is compounded by his fear of aging and of being alone. I will try to help him as much as I can.

It is one thing to observe with detachment the aging and erosion of inanimate objects. It is quite different to feel and see this happening to someone who has shared joys, holidays, summer afternoons, and enlightening conversations over the course of many years.

I am truly blessed to be living this life. I never want to forget how this came about.

Johnnyboy

Updates--and asking for help...

2008-03-21T23:34:00.002-05:00

Mom is doing well. The other day her doctor told her flat out that she cannot ingest any alcohol at all because it interferes with her meds. As of Wednesday she hasn't had a drop. I am amazed at the sudden change. She is more alert, her energy level is better and her memory has improved. She is suffering a little ache and pain now and then, but I chalk that up to not being mildly anesthetized on a daily basis. I have also not mentioned it to her, congratulated her, reminded her, etc...I'll let this sleeping dog lie for the time being. I wonder...Was it that obvious with me? Probably more so...

I have also decided to take an Incomplete in one of my classes. It is the Creative Non-Fiction course. With the demands at home, my upcoming trip, and the advanced level of the other two courses I am taking, I cannot give this class my full attention. An 'Incomplete' means that I get to finish this during the summer semester. That means while I am away, I will have to do all the writing and send it in a couple times a week. I am planning on using Google Docs to accomplish this. I can write all the work and then Google will send it as a Word Document to my teacher. I think it will add a creative twist to the concept of non-traditional learning in the 21st Century. I hope he approves of the idea.

There is also an elderly gent who lives up the road. He is 88 years old and has no one to care for him. In the past I have been able to help him out, but my life has changed. Thankfully there is a group here in Somewheresville called 'Neighbors Helping Neighbors' who are going to try to look in on him, help him out, do the heavy lifting. I am relieved that they might be able to assist. This allows me to continue being his friend without the pressure of being his caregiver. I do that enough at home.

My life is full of 'hopes' and 'plans' that serve to assist others and give me the time I need for myself. May my Higher Power work Its wonders in my life.

I have added a picture to this post. It is following a theory about decay and decrepitude: In terms of man-made objects, I am seeing that the decay and slow decline is actually the artificial thing returning to its natural form. Grass grows, houses fall down, cars rust away to dust, regardless of our futile attempt to mold, bend, or form them into something we want.

Johnnyboy

Long time gone...

2008-03-14T09:21:00.002-05:00

Sorry for dropping off the map for a spell, but I have been so busy with life that something had to suffer as a result. In the past that would have been an important and vital something, like family or The Self, but this time it's only my little blog, widely unread, and even spat upon by a recent 'reader'.

I have to admit that the vitriolic speechifying stunned me and left me somewhat shaken. I forget that there are angry and violent people out there who would do me and others harm because they feel it is the right thing to do and they are helping out. So I guess I have been wary of blogging as a result...as well as a busy schedule.

Not to go into specifics too much, but let's just say that my mother's health is doing well, despite the numerous trips to doctors (some scheduled, some not) and arranging for live-in homecare aides while I'm away. Mt studies are going along well, but I am suffering the Spring Semester Slam, even though I am not behind in my work. 12 credits of advanced standing courses on top of the pressures at home make for a scrambled brain, I think.

Here's the cool thing...

Yesterday was the last day of a series of medical appointments for mom. It was also a telephone class meeting with a professor about 1000 miles from here. To top this off, I have been waiting to hear from the homecare folks for weeks...So I woke up at 6AM and within 4 hours it all happened: Mom went off to her appointment, and all went well; I had my 'class' and that went well, and just when I thought it was over...The phone rang and it was them! We have set up a meeting time for them to visit mom here before to get to know her, etc...What a relief! I offered up my thanks to the Heavens for a wonderful and full day, and all before noon.

Then I took a nap.

Today is mom's birthday. She's 84. We're meeting some of her friends for lunch at the Pale Stag. Did I mention that all the women who will be caring for her when I'm away are in the Program? No coincidences here in Somewheresville...

Johnnyboy

NERAASA and angry comments from the peanut gallery...

2008-02-24T22:05:00.002-05:00

NERAASA was awesome. I will be a better GSR because of this assembly and not only improve my own life, but the service involvement of my homegroup as well. Pretty simple stuff, if I work it.

I have had to enable my 'comment moderation' button due to a very angry and dangerous blogger named Micky. I came home form the weekend to find his nasty and angry words filling the fields. I apologize for all those who wish to comment freely, but I must now review your words. I have reported him as a spammer, so maybe that will help as well. The gist of his 14 comments (14!) was that AA is the work of Satan and we are all going to burn in hell. All this does is remind me that despite the true christian (small 'C') teachings in the Bible (Love, Tolerance, Forgiveness, etc...) there are some really crazy and violent people out there who use a book of love and kindness to harm to innocent people trying to get well in a way that works for them.

Poor soul. He probably tried AA and wasn't willing to ask for help, so people stopped talking to him. Now he has a resentment and is taking it out on all of us. I've met some of these folks in the flesh and they are truly troubled. I can see the fear on their faces.

Johnnyboy

Final therapy appointment....and more...

2008-02-20T00:15:00.003-05:00

Today was the final day of a 6 year relationship with my therapist. It went well, and we discussed what we had accomplished in that time. I owe him a great deal for my recovery from PTSD and other issues concerning my family, but it was time for me to sever the cord and go out in the world on my own. He gave me tools to live with, and showed me how to use them. I will always look back on this time as an enormous positive influence in my life.

This weekend is the NERAASA Convention in West Atlantic City, NJ. It will be a working weekend of panels, discussions, and service networking for GSO, regional, area, and district AA service folk from all over the Northeast US. It should be pretty big. I'll be driving down with my DCM, co-Alternate DCM, and a few other GSRs. Pretty cool.

I have also finally liased the relationship between my mother and the home companion that will be living with her while I am in the Balkans this summer. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders with this act. Now I can focus more mental energy on my schoolwork and getting ready to leave for Europe on May 4th.

This sobriety thing rocks!

Johnnyboy

Gods will for me today...

2008-02-08T10:49:00.001-05:00

I woke up too late for my own tastes this morning, thus losing a few hours that I could have worked on homework to further my own academic success. Then I received a phone call from another AA who I had asked to call if he wished. I think I might have a new sponsee in this fellow.

I am convinced, at least for the moment, that I should be doing Gods will and not my own. My will has to do with the aforementioned success and laudatory recognition. Gods will involves service, unity, and recovery and in being the hand of AA. I have plenty of time to work on the other stuff that makes my life pleasant and comfortable. But first I have to remember what my primary purpose is. I have been granted another chance at living, but not on my own terms.

Johnnyboy

Creepy phone call...

2008-02-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

I came home from a meeting tonight and sat down to watch some of 'The Wire." At 10:02 PM the phone rang, which is strange because people I know call me on my cell this late at night so they don't wake up mom. The male voice on the other end was garbled slightly, like a bad connection or a voice modulator...He said stuff like, "Stolen from any grocery stores lately?" and "You ain't no marriage counselor" and then finally said "You're nothin', you understand? Nothin'..." I think he had actually called the wrong number, but he wouldn't listen to me, so I hung up. I then dialed *57 and the phone company automatically traced the call and reported it to the police.

On the plus side, I have never robbed a grocery store nor have I ever advised anyone on their marriage. I wonder if the store and marriage thing means that whoever he was hoping to speak to had stolen his wife or something...Innuendo and slang at its most stupid.

It was an adult, not a child, so I don't think it was a prank. I think this person was actually threatening me, or whoever he thought I was. I called the phone company to make sure and they took this very seriously.

I'm spooked by this. I don't like the idea that there is someone out there with my land line number using it like this. I hope I sleep well tonight, but at this point I'm awake for awhile.

Johnnyboy

School, travel, cameras, and the elderly...

2008-02-01T13:16:00.000-05:00

I certainly have a full plate these days...Let's get to the procrastination first...

I have three classes, and I am doing the reading, but verrrry sloooowly...I also need to get my butt in gear regrading some writing and reading for the Creative Non-Fiction course. There are essays, short stories, and writing I need to address. I have my first 'telephone class' with my American Civil War teacher next Thursday and I am behind in that reading. I also need to jump on my Asian Studies course work...I am not as behind there...Only 90 days left in the semester...Yikes! What has been holding me back?

I am easily distracted. This week has been a very busy week for mom and her doctor's appointments. She's fine, but it does cut into my day...It can be tiring , too. I have been going to the gym, so that's a plus. Maybe I should stop watching 'The Wire' at night after my meetings and read instead...Wow, what a goddamn concept!

I am also distracted by a new camera in my midst. My father has given me his antique Baby Rolleiflex Twin Reflex. Here's a picture (see above). Those are the myriad lens filters and the carrying case surrounding it. You pop up the hood and look down into a viewfinder. It's a sure thing to use the neck strap...you need both hands to focus and shoot. Another fun thing is that it uses 127 film which is available, but not like going to CVS or anything. Plus there are only 12 shots per roll, and you have to wind the film in by hand, careful not to let the tension up lest the film un-spool and expose itself. Guess where the film is made...?

Croatia. Coincidence? Probably, yes, but still it's kind of cool. Speaking of which, I have heard back from the hotel in Greece for the May convention and my room is all set. All I need to do is show up.

I know that I will have my homework done in time for class. I know that I will be able to have the energy to do all the things I need to do for my mother while still keeping an eye on my own well-being. I know that I will be able to take lovely photos with this unique piece of German engineering.

One item that is interesting to note...Many historians believe that a knowledge and understanding of the Civil War and all of the various whys and wherefores is a necessity to truly understanding what it means to be an American citizen. Could be true. After all, it was the defining moment for the nation in formalizing the union.

Johnnyboy

The end of therapy...

2008-01-22T09:22:00.000-05:00

There's no way I can say it any better. Today is the last day I will be seeing my therapist on a regular and formal basis. This is not a sudden decision, but rather one that has been going on for about a year now.

I have been seeing him since September, 2001. It has been over 6 1/2 years of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) sessions and we have covered a lot of ground. We have dealt with PTSD, Jungian archetypes, Inner Family Dynamics, and Neurocybernetics. I feel that the point of therapy is not to cure me (can one ever be psychologically cured?) but rather to show that I have the tools with which to handle any situation. It's time to go.

Plus, it will be nice to have Tuesdays back, uninterrupted. I could use the time in a more studious fashion. The time to get to and from therapy plus the hour or so in between adds up to almost 3 1/2 hours when all is said and done. Granted, a lot of that is travel...Now that's crazy.

I'll be leaving the house at 11AM to pick up the mail first. At 12PM I go to my last wing-ding with him, then scoot off to the gym for an hour or so at 2PM, and then get my hair cut at 3:30PM. I'll be home by 4:30PM. There's a lot of unnecessary miles in between those appointments.

Here's a picture from a series I took with my Agfa Silette. It's called 'Mom at Different Distances'.

This one is "15 Feet".

Johnnyboy

Daily pressures...Not so bad, really....

2008-01-16T10:09:00.000-05:00

Today is like any other day. There are pressures and obstacles to surmount, which, thanks to sobriety and the program I am working on (AA), I can. I have luxury problems...Too much reading and writing to do in one day mostly, but there are other things too.

My mother banged her shoulder against something in the night two days ago. We don't know where or when, and of course she doesn't remember, but thankfully there is nothing really wrong with her except for a little bruising and stiffness today. Yesterday there was pain, so we went to the ER for some pictures. Clean. That's a relief. I don't have the focus to be nursemaid this week.

I have a stack of books I need to read before January 29th and then February 7th. On the 29th my Modern Asian History class meets and I have a private tutorial with my Creative Non-Fiction prof just before...Loads of reading--9 books total., plus some writing. My US Civil War Residency begins in February, so I have to read another three books before then and write a short book review. On the upside, I have been granted a 4.0 on my Digital Photography CBE as well as my Historiography class. I have also finalized my Degree Plan and have about 8 classes to take before I graduate. I'm shooting for Christmas 2009...That's about right, since I started school in the fall of 2005...4 years.

I also have a self-evaluation and a short photographer's bio due for my Photo class at the end of the week. I think I'll tackle those first today and get them done. This constitutes the very last smidgen of work leftover from the middle semester. When I have done that I'll go to the gym and burn off 300-400 calories.

It's a busy day, and all I've done so far is to post a new blog entry. I'll add a picture for effect. I didn't take this picture. I lent my camera to a guy who showed up for the first DocPho meeting and never came back. I have looked at his shots, and they are all pretty odd, if not boring, but I liked this one enough to fiddle around with b/w, contrasts, etc...It's called 'Charles'.

Johnnyboy

Another band thingy...

2008-01-11T12:42:00.000-05:00

Here's another fake band. The Wiki entry was the whole thing minus 'shoveling smoke. I took the pic from Picasa. I am having too much fun with this.

I am currently watching 'House, M.D.' which is fun...'The Wire-Season One' which is addictive...and I have 'MI-5-Season 5' arriving in the mail today. NetFlix is jerking me around too much for the new releases of these shows, so I am buying them online. When I am finished with them I will donate them to the local library or give them away. It really depends on how married I am to them. I'll probably keep 'The Wire'.

I am slowly but surely finishing up the mid-fall semester. I go back to The Big City tomorrow for my final DocPhoWorkshop. This will be sad--I like the folks I have been learning and hanging with. I will miss them.

This afternoon I get to use a Christmas gift certificate at a local bookstore to gather reading material for my writing class--short fiction mostly.

Johnnyboy

Cool classes, cool games...

2008-01-10T16:06:00.000-05:00

Over at Aravis' site there is a way cool game to play...especially if you like music, design, bands, etc...Fred must play if Fred reads this and then post the results. Very fun and a little weird, which can be fun too. These are the results of my game play, and I have designed the picture like a CD cover...I think 4"x4"...

Anyway, 'William Blake In Popular Culture' is a post-punk Brit-pop quintet who sing about girls, cars, money, fashion, and how they snootily look down on the mainstream. If you imagine The Kinks updated to 2008 you get a good idea.

I met with my writing prof yesterday and this will be fun. Nothing other than that, but suffice to say I am going to exorcise my inner demons and learn to write for myself.

I am helping people by using the gifts I have been given through living a sober life. Just thought I'd toss that in to remind myself who and where I am...

Johnnyboy

More classes and more books...

2008-01-05T10:52:00.000-05:00

My new semester officially begins in a few weeks. I have gathered the texts I need, more or less, except for one class which seems to be up in the air. It is the Creative Non-Fiction class, which is a new type of literature class developed in the past couple of decades to (some say) fill a niche. As a subject it has had a rough time of it, with traditionalists like my father pooh-poohing the aims and goals and so forth. Frankly I think there is a bitterness to the argument. Pity they didn't think of it first. In any case, I don't know what the readings are yet. I'll call the instructor on Monday, when the holiday break is finally over.

I have to be careful with this class if I am going to benefit from it. I come from a long history of literary folk, most well known, and a long history of being surrounded by the arts. If I go in thinking that I know too much about anything, I will do poorly and destroy any chance to build an honest relationship with another human being. If, on the other hand, I maintain my humility, and even pretend that I have no idea what's going on, I will probably remain open to the experience and gain a great deal from it.

I am back at the gym with a passion. In the past few months I had neglected my physical health and become soft around the middle, plus gaining a few pounds. My goal is to drop ten pounds and get my blood rates down or up, depending on what's good. I have done this before, but I can be a slacker. Thankfully this is not a New Years Resolution, since I started back before Christmas. By the time I leave for the Balkans in May I should be in great shape. So it's cardio, crunches, and some mild weight training for me 5 days a week.

The enclosed is a picture from a shoot I did at the Hudson Valley Psychiatric Center, a defunct loony bin near here. It is one of three pieces I am showing next week in New York at a group exhibit.

Johnnyboy

A new year has begun...

2008-01-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

There is a lot of promise for the upcoming year. Here are some of my hopefuls...

1. That I will keep on this most excellent spiritual path.
2. That in November 2008, the United States will come to its
senses and start thinking and responding instead of dumbing
down and reacting.
3. That those politicians who have been responsible for the
worst of the damage will be held accountable in a court of law.
4. That I will lose even more fear about the future.
5. More and better health for everyone!
6. Travel, travel, travel...
7. That my family will finally acknowledge the personal sacrifices
I have made for them in the past 2-3 years.
8. That I won't give a rat's ass what they think.
9. I will be gifted in seeing something really amazing.
10. If I am grateful, then my life will change for the better.

So far so good. That's enough for now, but thanks to my mysterious and secretive readership. You have all helped me through many situations and have celebrated with me as well. It takes two to tango...

Johnnyboy

Christmas has come and gone...

2007-12-28T12:37:00.001-05:00

Yes, dear readers...The tiny hoof prints have melted off the roof, the stockings have been tucked away for next year, and I have only New Years Day to muscle through. Honestly, I love Christmas, and always have, but believe that giving should happen all year 'round, not just this month. That's my rant for the day.

In the world of photography I have some interesting news. Nothing earth-shaking, just that I have decided to 'go retro' as well as keep the digital medium in my life. In this light I searched for a few days on eBay for some older cameras and I found them. One was a Kodak Instamatic from the 1970s ($6.00 incl p/h) and the other was an Agfa Silette, built around 1953 or so. The former many of you will remember as the first true point-and-shoot unit with the 120 cartridge film. That is a sticky fact actually, since the film is not made anymore. The Internet is a big place, however and I found the film and the means to have it developed. The Frugal Photographer is the place to go for hard to find stuff, and they have the connections to develop your older film stocks. Yes, the prices are a bit high, but for a project like this, it is worth it. Their website is fun to check out, too.

The Agfa Silette ($45.00 incl s/h) is another fun one, and not your average P-A-S. This baby actually makes you work for the shot and limits your range of possibilities. First off, it only really shoots either 60 or 100 ISO film well. Anything else may be too fast. Then you are made to actually look at the light and gauge the f-Stop, either with a light meter or by guessing, and adjust the limited range (between 2.8 and 16). Then you have to adjust the shutter speed (B to 1/200sec), and then figure out how far you are away form the subject (3 ft to infinity). All of these functions are on the lens. I love it. I found some b/w100 ISO at B&H Photo and have loaded it, by hand. There are no batteries in this baby. All the winding up/down is by hand. How fun will this be!

In other news, I am getting ready to take off for the summer (Croatia, Bosnia, Slovenia) and have purchased my tickets and made some hotel reservations. I am excited to do this trip, again. The Bosnian part will be an adventure certainly, since I am working there. It's nice to cease being a tourist once in a while, yet still remain an outsider. I also celebrated 5 years sober the other night at my home group. It was truly a humbling moment for me. I couldn't have dome it without all of you! I'll post pictures of the marbles later.

So thanks all...I'm off to run errands. Remember...Fill the frame, stretch the depth-of-field, create the tension...Travel off the map of your world.

Johnnyboy

To the city and back again...

2007-12-22T17:13:00.000-05:00

I visited my father and his wife the other day in The Big City. I was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally prepared. It was a very nice 24 hours with them. The weather was good, the food was edible, the conversations were civil, and I didn't rankle when they engaged in their personal obsession about weight gain/loss, exercise, etc...This is an example,
Pop: So, do you have a scale?
Me: Nope.
Pop: You mean you don't weigh yourself?
Me: Nope.

'Nuff said about his obsessive compulsive attitude towards weight, weight gain, and working out.

We exchanged gifts, and then I left Friday on the train back home. It was good to be home. The Big City was pretty crazy.

Our Christmas tree is up and mom and I will decorate it tomorrow. I have photographic news, and other stuff too, but I am suddenly feeling the non-blogging bug. So much to say and no words to describe it.

"Grey's Anatomy" is driving me crazy. I have just finished Season 3. I have been told by some actual hospital pros that the scenarios are not far off the mark. Let's just hope they wash their hands.

I am starting "Dexter" tonight. If you don't know it's the show with Michael C. Hall of "6 Feet Under" fame playing a forensics expert who becomes a serial killer. It's supposed to be gruesome and funny, if those two words can be combined.

I'm off to dinner with friends and then a meeting. La-di-da...I need coffee...

Johnnyboy

A new room, a new link, and dinner with mom...

2007-12-18T17:08:00.000-05:00

I heard some poor advice on some TV show the other night...'If a man lives with his mother, run...'. I think this is unfair to those of us who have given up our careers to live with our elderly parents in their time of need. I just thought I'd get that out.

I'm making dinner tonight. We are having grilled lamb chops from a local farmer who we let hunt on our land. In return he gives us lamb, ground beef, etc...all free-range, free of drugs, etc...Tasty stuff. Just to clarify, he hunts deer, not sheep and cattle. Along with that I am roasting acorn squash and serving some salad on the side.

Here is my hotel room in Plitvice (Pleet-veets-say)National Park in Croatia, on the Bosnian border. It is a lovely place, somewhat high altitude rain forest, with a series of tiered lakes that are this crazy aquamarine color due to natural mineral content. Google the name and you'll find out the history or go here to the UNESCO list and find out for yourself--Fascinating (sometimes tragic) and wrapped in history and current events.

It rained almost the entire time I was there in June and it was pretty cool at night, around 50*F. The fun thing was that I had driven that day from Split, on the coast, where it was 85*F and dry to this wet, cold, drizzly green place. I was alone in the hotel except for a large group of Japanese tourists on a bus who stayed inside. I had the park almost all to myself!

I have added a new link at the bottom..It's to a fellow blogger and professional librarian. She was (is) part of the DocPhoWrkshp I have been attending. Check out her blog. Lots to see and do there.

Johnnyboy

Cold and windy...

2007-12-16T11:09:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling the stress of Christmas. This is sad, because this time of year, regardless of one's spiritual beliefs, seems to center around not feeling self-centered and stressful, yet here I am. In most ways I am little more than a time-keeper, insuring that packages are wrapped, packaged, and mailed off by this week sometime in time for everyone to receive their gifts? But the question is...If the gifts do not arrive by Christmas morning, is that a problem? Really, everyone in my family is older, stopped believing in Santa Claus decades ago, and for the most part doesn't want or need anything anyway. It's the holiday cheer we all need, and sometimes that gets pushed aside in favor of schedules, postage and handling, and issues of control and order.

It sounds like totalitarianism, or fascism, or something. So I'll try to relax and think of warmer, sunnier climes, like Greece, or Croatia...

During my travels I take pictures of the hotel rooms in which I have slept. I'll start posting some of them. The accompanying picture is of one of them, in Pula, Croatia, last spring--The Hotel Riviera.

Johnnyboy

Snow, snow, snow....

2007-12-14T00:41:00.001-05:00

I am very happy that it has snowed. We need the stuff, really. It's actually a drought out there if you can believe it.

My final DocPho class is on Saturday, that means it is the last time that I have to wake up at 4:30am to make a 6:25am train to be in class by 10am...Exhausting, really. I am ready with my essay on finding a 'visual voice' as well as some new pictures. For some reason I got it into my head to continue the 'Christ' thing, a la crucifixion, Jerusalem, etc...This is from the same series, but has no connection to the group. I may not use it. It's called 'bookbag'.
Johnnyboy

Conventions, get-togethers, etc...

2007-12-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

The 14th Annual SE European International AA Convention in Greece has officially been posted. I will be making my reservations soon, for a three-person room. I can always sell the beds. There is always overflow. The prices have not increased, which is nice because the almighty dollar is tanking. The dates, btw, are May 15-18 2008. The link is not up on the Int'l Events listing yet, but it will be.

I will also be attending the NERAASA (Northeast Regional AA Service Assembly) in New Jersey come February. Since I am my groups GSR and have just been appointed Alternate District Chairperson, I have to go. It will be fun because I am not going alone. It will be me and at least 4 other folks--the District 17 DCM, the other AltDCM, and our Treasurer.

I have been looking for a new eye in my photography. I have made some changes. I am using a 50mm lens, shooting only in b/w, and have switched off the auto focus. the last represents my final step towards full manual operations. Here is a picture I took yesterday. It's all about textures and time. I am calling this 'Stigmata'.

Johnnyboy

Finishing up...Feelin' Loopy....

2007-12-07T16:54:00.000-05:00

My homework for the DocPhoWorkshop tomorrow is finished...

I have finished my Historiography class and have received an 'A' for that...

I have registered for next semester (12 credits)...

I am in the midst of watching '24 Season 6'--kinda lame, I know, but escapist...

I am digging the soundtrack from 'Grey's Anatomy'...

Mom is really doing well...

It's snowing outside, and it is very pretty...

Still sober...

..and I'm feeling pretty good about all of this stuff.

Johnnyboy

Humbling commitment...

2007-12-05T21:39:00.000-05:00

I spoke tonight at a nearby treatment center. Cornerstone is a pretty hardcore place. It is pretty much the last hope for many people. Most of the residents are African-American, right off the streets. Old, young, male, female--they are all there. It must be a culture shock to be suddenly transplanted in the middle of Dutchess county with no street noise or lights, or any other urban aspect to cling to while they sober up. In some ways it was very intimidating, but that's good for me. It helps keep me sober by sharing my story with these folks, and in the end we are all the same, just a bunch of ex-junkies and alcoholics in recovery working on our programs and trying to live with our new sanities.

I sometimes feel out of place in facilities like these. My story doesn't include abject poverty, multiple trips to jails and rehabs, narcotics, racial prejudice, and so forth. It does include trying to fit in and doing anything to do so, feeling empty and alone, arrogant and terrified, helpless and hopeless, and crying for help with an empty voice. These are things we all can share.

They thanked me for sharing...shook my hand. All I could say was 'thank you'.

I left feeling grateful, sober, sane and humble.

Johnnyboy

Anniversary on the way...

2007-12-02T01:12:00.000-05:00

This is my anniversary month. I cannot believe that five years have past since I finally got honest. So much has happened and I am not the man I was when I came in from the cold. School, travel, home life, friendship, fellowship, trust...All that stuff was a vague concern several years ago, yet like many of my type, I longed for it all. I have worked for it and earned it.

I read a good meditation earlier that reminded me that by coming into the Rooms, I have been allowed to live two lives. The life before sobriety was full of selfishness, pain, and darkness. This new adventure gives me the chance to alter my perceptions and move through the world without leaving a negative footprint. That's a funny way to see it, really, since a footprint is a 'negative' of the bottom of my foot.

I watched 'Evan Almighty' the other night. Cute, but not as good as 'Bruce..." I liked the bit, though, when God is telling Evan's wife that he doesn't give out things (in this case familial closeness) but rather puts humans in a position to achieve it themselves, whatever 'it' is...

Here's a question...How many movies can Steve Carell make in one year?

Johnnyboy

Post-Thanksgiving Gratitude list...

2007-11-23T10:33:00.000-05:00

1. That I am sober today by the grace of HP and AA.
2. That I have a family to love and be interested in.
3. That they love me back.
4. I have hopes and dreams that I can accomplish.
5. I have friends I trust and who trust me.
6. That my brains are still intact after years of abuse.
7. My world is so much larger than it was yesterday.
8. I am comfortable in this world.
9. I don't need to run away from life-on-life's-terms.
10. I am part of the solution, not the problem.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Johnnyboy

Family, School, and Thanksgiving...

2007-11-20T10:16:00.000-05:00

So it is the beginning of the 'Holidays' around here. The men are up in the woods, carrying guns and out for blood. It is raining now, but it sleeted and snowed overnight. This gives the day a monochromatic pallor and begs the blogger to go back to bed and hibernate. Bears are smart...Who'd want to be out in this crap? This Thanksgiving is looking to be a good one, though, and has all the earmarks of a classic. Originally it was just my sister, BiL, mom, and me, then unexpectedly my other sister announced that she and my niece would be coming down for a couple of days. This is great news. It will be a wonderful thing to have a house full of people and a real test of 'one day at a time' for me. I can project all I want to, bu the reality is that this will be fun and interesting for all and it's not about me.

School is going...I have contacted my Historiography prof and asked if I could hand in the paper after Thanksgiving. In all truthfulness it was I who told him it would be done by the 22nd, not some contract that he wished fulfilled. So I'll hand it in by the end of next week and have my final 'meeting' with him on December 6th. Now that I have 8 additional credits to work on, I have to budget my time a little better, and this week is all but a wash...I do have a meeting with my mentor this afternoon in The Capital which I am prepared for, so that's no problem.

To the left and right are some pictures of telephone booths from the photo project I did last week for my Documentary Photography workshop...

Johnnyboy

Documentary photography...and Mom!

2007-11-11T16:42:00.000-05:00

The 'Mom' news first...

All is well. She is sticking to the 1 oz. drink as prescribed, and that's how I put it to her. It is like a doctor's prescription. Anyway, all is well.

My Documentary Photography course in The Big City is very cool. There are about ten other students, from different points of view and differing ideas about what the class and subject means to them. It's all valid, IMHO. Our first project, due next Saturday, is to take pictures of a subject in everyday life and write a small paper to accompany it. I have chosen 'pay telephones' as my focus and spent a lot of the day driving around trying to find the damn things. I am restricting my search to Anywhere County and have covered much of the southern half.

Slim pickin's.

I blame the cellular phone for this dearth of public telephones. Oh, btw, I am only shooting pics of the outdoor variety...If they have been moved indoor, they are out of play. I'll post a few pictures when I have the time, but for now let me say that it has revived my tired-of-my-home-turf-jaded eye and has allowed me to see afresh in my area.

So, by the end of this week I have a paper to finish on Woodrow Wilson, two essays for Credit By Evaluation, and this piece, plus reading, reading, reading...

Johnnyboy

More Tales of Mom...

2007-11-08T01:00:00.000-05:00

I came home from the meeting tonight and my mother was asleep. I looked around the kitchen and it was apparent that all she had had for supper was some cheese and crackers and cookies...and scotch. Her drinking has always worried me, but at the age of 83 she can do what she wants, right? Despite the fact that all of her doctors have told her to only have 2 oz. (1/4 cup) of alcohol per day and that it interferes with her numerous medications, she continues to have her three cocktails, i.e. 6-8 oz. She has also begun, when retiring for the night at around 8:30PM or so, to take a small glass of booze to bed with her. This has happened a lot recently and the results have been less than good. She wakes up suddenly, depleted of sugar, gets out of bed, and falls down on the floor. Thankfully nothing serious has happened yet, but it will. I have written of this before.

All of her children love her and her doctors know best, but like an alcoholic in severe denial and fear, she will not stop. She acts like a petulant child when the subject is brought up or, in a fit of adult denial declares, "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

I know better than to try to cure her. I know that in many ways this is an Al-Anon situation. I know that I cannot be there for her all the time. I didn't cause it and I can't cure it.

Anyway, back to tonight...I went to use the phone in the kitchen and found it missing. I chose the logical path and went into her room, fearing I would wake her. In the dim light I saw two things. The first was the tumbler of scotch on her bedside table, and her snoring away. The second was the handset on the bed, next to her. She has her own telephone on the table next to her bed. I took the phone, and the scotch, and left the room. After pouring the drink down the sink, I realized that she might wake up later and want it. Tough. This is all too familiar...

Towards the end of my own drinking I kept a small glass of vodka on my night table for when I would come to in the middle of the night, my diseased mind demanding another sip of alcohol.

It is early morning here...around 1/4 past 1. In the morning, before we head off to her doctor's for a checkup, I will speak to her again about this. I expect the same reaction as all the times before.

I know she's afraid. I know she's in denial. I know she's an alcoholic. She knows some of these things too, I think, and the reality is far too difficult to accept than the fog of dangerous forgetfulness and drunken slumber.

Johnnyboy

Busy days...

2007-11-05T11:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight I head up to Albany to be part of a panel discussion on what it means to be a global citizen in a rapidly shrinking world.

I'm a cynic. It is too late to stop global warming, or reverse the effects without a major shift in population density. By that I mean that 25% of the world population has to go away. That's cold, I know, but that's the reality. Green energy will take too long to affect change, and driving hybrid cars may make you feel better, but it doesn't really help yet. If everyone started using wind power tomorrow it might make a difference but that's along shot. So enjoy it while you can folks.

Like I said, I'm a cynic.

Mom's frustration over her medications boiled a little bit this morning. She became upset when she realized that she didn't have enough of one med to fill her weekly pill boxes. The prescription had to be reauthorized by her MD and it hadn't gone through yet. I do not blame a person in this matter, but rather the confusing and bureaucratic computer telephone prescription system at CVS. It is tedious and confusing for the elderly and some would rather just not deal with it. This can be dangerous, I imagine.

Enough of a soapbox today. Have a good one!

Johnnyboy

Talkin' about Fear...

2007-10-31T12:27:00.001-05:00

So I had an epiphany of sorts the other day...I am currently working on a historiography (writing about what others have written.) paper about Woodrow Wilson and the US foreign relations policy of neutrality before and during the First World War. Heady stuff, really, but no different than any other paper I have written on the conceptual level. I found myself mentally wringing my hands over what to do, what to do, etc...It suddenly occurred to me that this was a big problem (the hand wringing) and that I had always acted this way towards any challenge or assignment that was well within my grasp. I was flooded with this deep sense of calm, and that there was no problem and nothing to fear. I could write this piece, and write it well. My track record so far has proved that. Trust me, I am not making a 3.93 GPA because I'm such a swell guy!

Anyway, the conclusion I instantly came to was that I can do this (and almost anything) with style, panache, dignity, and grace. All I have to do is remember is to do it the best I can and that my HP will be taking care of the results. After 5 years of sobriety, you'd think I wouldn't need to remind myself of these things...Well, I have a built in Forgetter just like the next guy.

I begin my Degree Planning class next week, and the Fear is there too. I want to finish the BA in Historical Studies and then go for my MFA in journalism/photojournalism. I can do the MFA in Albany or The Big City, but that is about two years from now. After that, who knows?

I have been buying old cameras on eBay, primarily the Canon AE-1. I purchased two for a grand total of $150.00, both mint. I'll use the Digital Rebel for color work and the AE-1 as a dedicated b/w unit.

How strange...I am suddenly aware that I am completely at ease with the idea that these life directions are due to parental influences when I was a little boy--to document the space I travel through in words and images and feel wonderful doing it.

No Guilt, no Fear, no Shame, no Embarrassment, no need to get hung up about it...

Johnnyboy

It's been soooooo long.....

2007-10-29T13:55:00.000-05:00

Two months ago I stopped blogging. I don't know why, and don't care. But everybody who did (does) care...Thank you very much. All's well and the river didn't rise, in fact, much is the same as it has been. I am still busy as a bird dog with school as well as still care giving the mother unit. She's doing great and we (the family) are working on getting her a live-in helper when I am overseas next summer for three months. This is slow going, but I am confident that it will work out. I have friends in the AA community here who do that sort of thing professionally, so I have reached out my hands and have received guidance, etc...I learned that in the rooms.

I presented my PP slide show a couple of weeks ago and it went swimmingly. It was clean, precise, and well spoken, and according to the conference director,one of the better ones. That says something good for my OCD. There were some other cool ones as well, particularly the presentations on Independent Film and the Modern Documentary, Femme Fatales and Film Noir, and the Conversation About Nothing, a la John Barth and Samuel Beckett. I left feeling relieved that it was over and ready for Round Two, which is a panel discussion next Monday night on Citizenship, Globalization, and, and what it means to live in an increasingly shrinking world. I was invited to be on the panel by a history prof of mine. Since I hold a dual citizenship with the EU and the US, I guess my opinion matters.

Next is a Photojournalism workshop at the ESC campus in The Big City that begins in November, as well as my Degree Planning class with my mentor that starts next week.

Yikes! Am I behind the 8-Ball? Maybe I should pick up the phone and find out!

Tonight is my current sponsor's AA anniversary--14 years. I am meeting up with a few folks for dinner and then a quick drive out to the meeting. I really like this guy and feel that I am maturing when I reveal my 'self' to him. He has helped me out a lot and will continue to do so.

It is almost 2008. That freaks me out a little.

I think it's time for a nap. My brain hurts.

Johnnyboy

How long has it been...?

2007-08-29T08:48:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since I last blogged...This is the list.

1. I have officially changed homegroups. I loved my previous group, but the new group is made up of people that I see on a regular basis and with whom I interact socially at least three days a week. Plus, they asked me to become the GSR for the group, which is a good move in the service world for me.

2. I have let a sponsee go. He just wasn't taking any of the suggestions giving. He was also dishonest and defensively secretive about his prescription drug use. Whether it was prescription pain killers, Coladapin, or other SSRI meds, he was unwilling to talk about them and also unwilling to investigate alternative, non-pharmaceutical methods to ease pain. In short he is afraid of losing his ba-ba.

3. Maintenance work on my house has been progressing smoothly. This is a long time in coming and the place needs it. Right now the roof is being repaired. Next up, some sill work, replacing some rotting wood. Next, a re-vamping of the curtain drains. After that, some sealing in the basement so the old fieldstone foundation ceases its weeping when it rains. Then some stonewall re-building. If I can have this all done by fall 2008, we will be in good shape.

4. School is beginning soon and although I have completed all the reading already, I am eager and nervous. My PowerPoint slide show on digital photography is progressing smoothly and I have set a completion date for mid-September.

5. Today is my former sponsors AA anniversary. I will be attending the event at my old (old-er) homegroup across the border in Massachusetts. I haven't been to a noon meeting in many months and I haven't spoken to him since we parted ways over a year ago. I am very nervous and humbled by the thought of this encounter. Prayer will pave the way and give me strength.

6. I am still the coffee maker at my other 'homegroup' and will scoot out around 5PM today and go to Connecticut and make the stuff, set up, etc...Then scoot back across the border to NY and attend yet another celebration at my 'new' homegroup.

It's a busy day for Johnnyboy, and a busy and fulfilling sobriety that allows me to be in several places within this 24 hours.

Johnnyboy

Some news...

2007-08-04T13:01:00.000-05:00

Sorry for not blogging in a while. I have been distracted by computer games, school reading, non-threatening family issues and just being lazy.

I have, on the other hand, moved my feet and found myself a volunteer job in Bosnia next summer. By "volunteer" I mean just that: No pay, and I have to find my own lodging, but the spiritual rewards will more than compensate, as they always do. I will be working for a group called the St. Mathew's Relief Project which is run by an AA friend in the pilgrimage town of Medugorje (Medge-oo-gore-yay), Bosnia-Herzegovina. I will be in charge of the two AA meetings that they have, thus giving my friend a break for a month and also accompany her on her relief work rounds. She is trying to facilitate connections between social workers and the families that need them to allow medical care to be distributed fairly. She is also involved with a project in Great Britain that donates prosthetic limbs to children in Bosnia. Bosnia is the most heavily mined country in the world, mostly anti-personnel mines. Although de-mining has been proceeding since the end of the war in the 1990s, most are discovered through the innocent wanderings and playing of children resulting in horrible and predictable results. I will be there from the end of May until the end of June 2008, god willing.

Mom is older, and the heat does her no good. I have been keeping her at home and running any errands that need running as well as outdoor household tasks. I feel like a parent sometimes, and truly understand the concept that being a parent is a full-time job. Like the above aid scenario, the payoff far exceeds the task.

That's it for now. We'll see what the next few days bring...

Johnnyboy

Relief work beginnings...

2007-07-25T14:08:00.000-05:00

I have begun a process which may or may not bring me into the world of relief organizations and volunteerism. I have emailed some folks in the Balkans about connecting with them next spring and helping out. I would love to do it and the idea has always appealed to me.

I am also making a decision to leave my current home group and moving across the border, closer to home. My sponsor thinks it is a good idea, seeing as my contact with the 'new' group is more solid that the other. I see and hang out with these other folks a lot and it seems a natural change for me.

The New York State convention last weekend solidified this idea for me. I gleaned the knowledge of a more dedicated and deeper type of service to my home group and staying in the local area where I can be of assistance to others nearer to home. In this light I have discovered that my new group does not have a General Service Representative and I think I am ready to do the job. It's a small district and I have been to several GSR meetings in the area already. No sweat, as far as I am concerned.

I do have a commitment already in action at the old group, though. I picked up a coffee job last month and still have two months left to go. I would love it if someone were to pick it up for me, but I won't count on it. No expectations...

Anyway, that's the buzz these days...

Johnnyboy

2007-07-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

Well I have started my alternative blog, which is more anonymous and deals with other. more adult issues,i.e. sex and society and sex-positive behaviour.

If you wan the address you can have it, just email me. I will not be posting it here...

Life is good as long as I let it.

Johnnyboy

New things and so forth...

2007-07-09T13:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted ion a while, and I apologize, but that's just the way things go. All's well, but I am very busy with school, the home life, and a reluctant and, I think, somewhat dim sponsee.

Last night before the meeting I was working a crossword puzzle with a friend, and doing well, I might add. At one point The Sponsee says, "Did you ever think of going on "Jeopardy"? I said no, and asked why. His response was that I would probably do well because "my brain is clogged up with useless trivia and knowledge." I told him that so far any knowledge I may have has not been useless, which ended the conversation.

I mean, really. What an idiot. Still, I have to turn this over as well and pretend it never happened. He's a sick person, really, incredibly coddled as an only child with not much in terms of social skills. Plus he's on pain meds, which, while they are controlled as a time release patch, are upsetting his brain and thinking. In fact, his brain is probably the organ that is clogged.

He's supposed to call in 3 minutes to check in, at which point I will force him to read pages 63-64 of the Big Book.

Johnnyboy

Maybe time for something new...

2007-07-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

I am realizing that I have given out this blog address to enough people that it is no longer anonymous. In that light I am going to begin a new blog, one where I can let it all hang out. This one will be a link for pictures and usual day-to-day happenings.

It will be interesting to see how the comments change. My new blog will be with a different host and all that which means a new look as well. I will link some of you into it, but only a choice few...

I am working hard on my paper and I am about halfway done, not including editing. My photo project is going well and I was given an estimate of how much the matting, framing and so forth will cost...a lot, but it will be worth it and I can write off the bill as an education expense. I will be showing 13 pictures. The rest of the presentation will be a lecture and PowerPoint slide show lasting around 20 minutes. I think I can do really well. It isn't due until October 1st, but I would like to have it finished by September 1st so I can worry about for a month.

I'll post some more pics on the Picasa page as time moves along. 1,950 pictures is a lot to sort through.

I have paid for my new desktop and should have it by next week sometime. I am excited about this. Thankfully it will be XP, as Vista is still too buggy to be a success.

Stay in touch!

Johnnyboy

Working with the Gremlins...

2007-06-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

I have solved my printing/viewing problems with some very simple moves. If the problematic application that seems to be gumming up the works does not load on the first round, then re-boot and go from there. So far that is working.

I was also having some minor problems with the printing of the pictures. I have invested in some high quality gloss photo paper and the accompanying ink and I must say the pictures look great at 8x10 inches. They are clear, crisp, and the color is super. Printing through the Microsoft photo software is a bit up and down, however and has already cost me a waste of 6 sheets of paper...not cheap. But the good news is that I can use this software to tweak and save the pictures, then just print using the desktop printing applications and adjust my preferences. So far not a single error.

I am going to a BBQ today at an AA friend's home. It should be fun and I have invited another AA (a woman!) to go along with me. I have been anting to ask her on a kind-of-sort-of date/do for a while and only after my more recent adventures have I realized that if I don't, I never will.
Anyway, she ha to work on some Step Work with her sponsor today, so I doubt she will come. She has to call me soon, as in 15 minutes from now. The thing is at 12:30 and I was hoping to run some errands first. No worries.

Johnnyboy

More (still!) troubles...

2007-06-22T13:23:00.000-05:00

Microsoft Digital Image Pro 10 was working, and then it wasn't. Then it was again. I thought it had something to do with the file sizes (3+MB) but that isn't it. I don't know anymore...Maybe it only works late at night...

Harrumph!

OK, now it is working and I think I know why. There is a file managing application on my desktop that is part of the Averatec laptop I am using. If it does not load completely, the Microsoft program does not work. But if it does, voilà, no problems. At this point it has disappeared, and good riddance, nasty little thing...

Johnnyboy

Academic progress, and picture troubles...

2007-06-20T13:15:00.000-05:00

I met with two of my professors yesterday and all is well. This fall I will be working on and presenting my photo journal/photo workshop/public presentation which is due by October 1st as well as working on my degree planning class which doesn't begin until November. So the only new class is a basic historiography class, which is held, for the most part, on-line, although it is not an on-line course. The instructor is way out in Niagara (Jamestown), so to actually meet up is quite an ordeal. This type of class teaches me how to think, research, and write like an historian. This manner of thinking is essential to my major and my future when I go for my Master's Degree and can only help me now.

I have a new wrinkle on my PC...Microsoft Digital ImagePro 10 has ceased being able to upload my pictures. This is odd, because I was using it the other day with some of the new shots. Now the program is not responding. I have uninstalled and re-installed the software to no avail. This is a drag because I will need this program to work with and complete the above digital photography project.

I have also received word that my old Toshiba laptop is not worth fixing. The overheating problems cannot be repaired easily or cheaply since the CPU is part of the motherboard and to replace the whole unit would cost $500 to $600 dollars. So I have purchased a new tower from Dell with a new keyboard and mouse. I already have a kickin' monitor and my friendly techy will make sure the new PC has XP and not Vista loaded. So, in a few weeks I will have a new PC, a desktop, and many of my worries should be over. That Toshiba is, after all, three years old and I have used it in ways that a laptop should not be used, I think. I'll have it wiped and recycle it.

I have heard that the Picasa link below is not working for some folks, actually only one person, and so I sent him a disc instead. Let me know if there are any other problems, please.

Johhnyboy

Some pictures, I hope, of my trip....

2007-06-18T15:08:00.000-05:00

I have summarized a few pictures on Picasa of my trip to the Balkans. I am going to try to embed the link below...

Of course this may not work, but if it does, you should all have a pretty good idea of the trip, some of the sights, and the different terrain I encountered.

My jet-lag is all gone, and I have a meeting tomorrow with my faculty mentor and my history professor. I hope to hammer out some details concerning next semester, work I still need to accomplish, and my future at that particular academic institution. I think it may be up to me to design and finish the next two years, with assistance. There seems to be a dearth of study groups offered that either appeal to me or will challenge me intellectually.

Oh well...I hope the link works.

Nope. Didn't work.

Now it does...scroll down and click on the picture...Have fun!

Johnnyboy

Lagged out....

2007-06-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

I am lagged out pretty bad. I have never felt it like this. I'm fine during the AM and early PM, but around 6PM I become light headed, dizzy, and nauseated. These are all symptoms of jet-lag, and I've never felt them like this before.

I'll continue to take it easy. Eventually I'll post some pictures...

Johnnyboy

Home gain...

2007-06-15T09:46:00.000-05:00

I arrived at JFK around 12:30 yesterday afternoon and after having my passport cleared by the TSA I walked right through the immigration zone with nary a glance. It's hit or miss, I guess. Sometimes they search me to no end and sometimes not. It is because of my swift re-entry that I was able to be home by 4PM. As I drove up my leafy green driveway I felt as if a circle had been completed. I had returned after a long, wonderful, and life expanding trip abroad with many stories to tell and almost 2000 large format pictures to show for it.

I was able to stay awake until about 9:30 and then hit the sack, sleeping soundly until 7:30 this morning. I'll be wiped out this afternoon, so I'll need a nap, but for now I am playing catch-up on some errands and some odds and ends. I'll start work on the pictures and papers on Monday.

Nice to be home and find the world much as it has always been.

Johnnyboy