Sad Day in Mudville...

It's a sad day here...Syd Barrett has died. Syd was the founder of Pink Floyd. He had lived as a recluse in Cambridgshire since leaving the band in 1968, a victim of massive amounts of LSD and other substances. He leaves behind a legacy fit for any king. Goodnight sweet Syd...


On the 9th Step Front...I had something of an argument with my sponsor the other day. Some of the work that he wanted me to do was making me feel bad, real bad, and insane, criminal, and as if I was being punished again. He wouldn't listen to me when I told him this, repeating that "this is what we agreed on", and so on. Very disturbing. The gist is that he wanted me to work this trauma out with my therapist, who would provide me with professional material that would help me make an amends (which I feel I have already made tenfold).

So we argued. Then this morning I called a specialist that knew of my case (not my shrink, but more so) and he felt that it wasn't necessary for me to dig up what I had already processed and buried just to relive the pain that I had caused. He was with me years ago and helped me to process this guilt, shame, and anguish in a professional and clinical setting, so he knows. He told me that if my sponsor wanted to, he could call him and speak with him.

So then I went to my therapist. I laid out the plan again, being careful to not take any sides in the issue.

He also felt that it was unnecessary, and perhaps quite dangerous, feeling that it would put my whole emotional state in a tailspin. He also brought up the subject that my sponsor might be running the risk of crossing over into the domain of a counselor and that he wasn't qualified to be engaging in such investigations. The therapist reminded me that trauma, guilt, shame, etc...is not healed by a full-immersion, head-long assault, which would cause lasting damage. He suggested that I tell my sponsor that he (therapist) would in no way provide me with any material that would jeopardize the work we have done in the past 5 years. If my sponsor doesn't agree with that, he should let go of the subject and let the professionals handle it. He also told me to let my sponsor call him if he wished.

For the record, I was more than willing to go ahead and do what my sponsor told me to do.

Perhaps that's a problem. He's telling me to do things, and not suggesting.

This isn't the first time he and I have disagreed. I am beginning to see some things that he does in the program that I don't like. He's big on subtly inserting his political views into group issues, but he also a wonderful voice for calm discussion. I don't agree with his "AA For All Addicts" philosophy, but I respect it. I guess sometimes I have to take sides. AA is for alcoholics, not drug addicts who have no where else to go. The message becomes diluted by having to generalize the issue at hand.

Just my opinion.


Johnnyboy