Pedestals, sponsors, and trust...
Over the past week I have been able to put some physical distance between myself and my sponsor and reflect on the recent events in our relationship. I came to a startling conclusion, and one for which I think I owe him an amends: I have placed him on a pedestal. This is true. I have viewed this guy as such the paragon of virtue and good works that I have forgotten that he is another alcoholic in recovery just like me. I have blindly done everything that he has asked me to do not for the purpose of making myself feel better, but to please him and ultimately make him like me. This is not a good thing because it has made me take steps in directions that, after thoughtful meditation, I find I do not need to take. He has thrown the stick and like a good dog I have played "fetch".
But something else has happened that I have only just realized. When he set the most recent task before me, and I moved forward with it to the best of my ability, he accused me of 'spinning' a different story to my therapist in order to weasel my way out of the chore. This is not true. I stated our (sponsor/sponsee) goal clearly and without fear, spin, or negativity, and my therapist warned me against the move. When I told my sponsor the results, he made the accusation. In short, despite my truthfulness, he didn't believe that I had acted accordingly in the process. He thought that I had lied to him, or "stretched the truth", if you prefer. So what do I do with a sponsor who doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth?
Help me out here. I need some advice from you folks.
Johnnyboy
posted by John D.C. Masters @ 7/24/2006
2 Comments:
Honestly it's hard to advise because I haven't personally observed you with him, nor am I familiar with the progression of your relationship and how you've worked together so far. We all get upset with our sponsors/sponsees at some point. Sometimes we're right and sometimes we're not. You're absolutely right that you shouldn't put him on a pedestal. On the other hand, while he may only be another drunk like you, he has a lot of experience in the program. This may be working against him now, because anyone who has ever sponsored another person has met with resistance, manipulation, etc. So he could be seeing something in you that isn't really there because in his experience, sponsees do try to take the easier, softer way.
I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps it's time to re-evaluate. No, he shouldn't be put on a pedestal, but just because he's fallen off of it doesn't mean that he doesn't have anything to offer or that he doesn't know what he's talking about most of the time. It just means he's human and can be wrong. Can you accept that and work with it? Because that will be true of anyone you ask to sponsor you. Can you talk to him about this and try to work it out? Or do you feel that your relationship has shifted so much that it is irreparable, and you need to move on?
No judgments here at all. I'm just suggesting some questions you might ask yourself as you try to sort it out for yourself. It's not the sort of thing anyone else can decide for you. Only you can know if this is something you want to salvage, or if it has become unhealthy for you.
Whatever you decide, you have my full support. Best wishes as you continue to try to work out the best course of action for you!
I hope everything went well...
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