More disturbing nightmares and trust issues...

I had two very violent and disturbing nightmares last night. Both of them were 'using' dreams and both felt very real. I woke up relieved that the experience was a dream, but also very shaken. These are the latest in a series of dream scenarios I have had involving either drinking or drugging and are beginning to rock my foundation somewhat.

The first was a heroin dream, which is odd because I have never used heroin. In the dreamscape, I was with two Japanese (or at least Asian) men, about my age. They were torturing cartoon mice in small Spanish Inquisition-like devices, and then injecting them with heroin to test the purity of the drug. There was screaming, pleading, and blood, but I couldn't look away. It seemed as if I was being forced to watch the proceedings as a form of torture itself. The scenario shifted and there were more mice, more drugs, more pain, and death. The mouse bodies were thrown away like old sacks of limp rubbish.

The second dream was a drunk dream and involved the restaurant world, a place all too familiar to me. I had become a 'captain', which is essentially the head waiter and maitre d' of a local cozy and nice restaurant. All my friends were there, so to speak. There was the usual hustle and bustle of a busy Saturday night and afterwards, during the cleaning up, I grabbed a bottle of beer and a glass and had myself a long drink, about 8 oz. worth. I knew immediately what I had done and felt horrible, as if I had let everyone down. I shuffled back into the restaurant, knowing that I would have to start all over again and hanging my head in shame.

All of this has spurred the idea that I am still, within my family, living with a legacy of distrust, a belief that I am dishonest, prejudice, and fear. It has taken a lot of hard work to arrive where I am today, and any hopes I have pinned on the future rest on my ability to stay sober and do the next right thing. All of my strength is centered on a pivot of balance and direction, like a compass card swiveling inside the glass, shifting back and forth, but always pointing towards some hopeful and greater destination.


Johnnyboy