An inner struggle continues...
Over the past year-and-a-half I have been regular in my AA meeting attendance. I tend to go to meetings at night, leaving my days free for school and other activities. The meetings that I attend are regular and predictable. My homegroup is strong and representative of many walks of life and both genders. I feel confidant in my sobriety when I am there. I leave that meeting feeling refreshed and new, with a positive, forward thinking attitude towards my sobriety and the future. There is a Step Meeting that I regularly attend on Friday night which has been instrumental in my sobriety. That meeting also has a Sunday night speaker/discussion meeting that I enjoy. Unfortunately there is one AA group which, 7 times out of 10, leaves me cold, confused, and feeling as if I have been watched, judged, and found wanting. It is a very 'cliquey' group and not the friendliest bunch in the land.
I have just returned home from that meeting with those same feelings. I have battled for a long time concerning my feelings and my safety in that meeting. I guess that's the upshot--I don't feel safe there. I feel as if people are quick to judge, and I also believe that certain people gossip about me and my pre-sobriety past behind my back, spreading untruths and rumor. I find that kind of behavior disgusting and extremely un-sober.
I do not feel that way at the other meetings I attend, so I know it's not just my nutty mind playing tricks on me. Unfortunately there are some people there who I do like, trust, and get along with. But, as they say, one bad apple can spoil the whole barrel.
The nights I attend this group are Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I can change Thursday to a Big Book Step meeting nearby that I enjoy and reap a benefit from. The Tuesday night I can figure out somehow. I'll check the schedules. The Saturday night meeting I'll keep because it's a big group and those same people that irk me tend not to go that night.
I know that I'm in this for my sobriety. I know that what other people think about me is none of my business. I know that I should turn it over and rise above the pettiness of others thinking, but I must make a physical change in my life to help this process out. "Move a muscle, change a thought" as a wise man once said to me. So I will.
This is not a new thing. I have posted about this issue before, and recently. It's time for me to quit whining and make a decision.
Johnnyboy
posted by John D.C. Masters @ 1/19/2006
2 Comments:
It sounds like a solid plan. Just because we're sober doesn't mean we're going to like everybody. We're still only human and it's just not going to happen. You've worked on this and you continue to feel uncomfortable. It's time to stop living in the problem and start living in the solution. It seems to me that this is what you are doing now. You can continue to work on this issue, but with space between you and the source of irritation. Perhaps this distance will allow you the clarity you need to sort this out.
I hope this works for you! :0)
Glad you're taking care of yourself.
Heard in a meeting: "If you like everyone in AA, you haven't been to enough meetings."
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