9th Step Work, Al-Anon, and Emotions...

I have just returned from an Al-Anon for Alcoholics meeting in a nearby town. It's what is called a "double winner" meeting, meaning that it's both programs rolled into one, and it can be pretty brutal for me. The sharing that goes on heads right for the jugular and there are no rehabbers around to distract the message. A woman qualified and her story was very similar to mine: because of how I was raised, and exposed to unsafe and unhealthy situations along the way, I sought out people throughout my life that would be able to duplicate many of those experiences. Regardless of the depth of the relationship (friend, lover, employer, etc...) I always volunteered to be the victim, knowing that this position would insure attention, and what I told myself was love. This pattern continued throughout adulthood, culminating in a scenario of violence and dark sexuality wherein I allowed myself to be emotionally sucked dry. For some reason I realized that it wasn't right for me, that I wasn't receiving the kind of attention I wanted (pain, punishment, and a justification of my inner shame) and so I split from that scene. Two years later AA found me and gave me the gift of sobriety.



My sponsor is having me work on some very difficult and frightening 9th Step work around some of these issues and I think it's beginning to freak me out. I'm not doing this work alone, thank the gods. My therapist is helping me with most of it, but the eventual amends will be on my plate. No, I am not going back into that dark fold and confronting those who would hurt me again, but I am trying to understand the depth of the emotional scars I have worn for many years, and over which I acted out sexually, drank myself into oblivion, hurt others and denied any true intimacy or trust with my fellows.



So I think I'm at a point in my sober journey where feelings are coming back. I'm really not sure what to do with them all the time except, of course, ignore them, but that is the old way of life. Right now it's hard enough to just feel them. I'll know what to do with them when I am ready to know. All I want to do right now is hide in my office and not deal. Luckily it's almost time for bed, so I can wait another few hours, hit the sack, dream what I dream, and tomorrow see my sponsor and talk to him about these new growth spurts.



I remember when I was a little boy and I'd have these horrible cramps in my legs during the night. My mother would come in with a hot-water-bottle and lay it across the top of my shins. The growing pains would magically vanish and I would fall back into the slumbers of a childhood, rapidly edging away towards adolescence and adulthood. Would that I had that panacea now...



Johnnyboy

My apologies....

I'm very sorry, dear readers, for not posting more regularly, or at all, in the past 2 weeks or so. I have been busy, caught up in the troubles of others, and trying to figure out some things on my own...which is never smart. Thankfully I gave that idea up for dead and picked up the phone. I won't say that I'm all better, but life is a little clearer than it was when I last posted my angry and unmanageable missive.

I am in the middle of summer semester, and the math class is going very well. I am looking forward to finishing up my philosophy tutorial with the 20th century. I need a break from the philosophical world.

My sponsee doesn't call me, which isn't my problem.

I call my sponsor, which helps me greatly.

I came home from Greece with what I thought was a sinus infection. 2 days ago the doctor checked me out and proclaimed me healthier than I have been in years, and the clogged right eustachian tube was probably the result of air travel. He recomended some over-the-counter nose squirts and Clariten D, in case it was a seasonal allergy. The results were overnight. I can now hear perfectly, my nose has stopped running, and the sinus pressure is gone. There are some side effects, however.

It seems that once I got sober, even the slightest of OTC drugs really changes my body chemistry. The Clariten D, for example, kept me up all night (or maybe it was the nose squirts), so that this morning at 5AM, I finally gave up, put on my clothes, and went downstairs. Thankfully I do not live alone and was able to ask someone to run interference for me until I could get a little sleep. I changed my therapist appointment to tomorrow, climbed back in bed, and tossed and turned for another 2 1/2 hours until whatever it was wore off. I managed to grab a handful of sleep before 11AM, and now I feel pretty good. If I can stay awake until 11PM I'll be in good shape and sleep soundly through the night, and no more Clariten or squirts!

I'm having my haircut this afternoon with a new cutter at the place where I usually go. My regular snippette is big with child and has cut down her work week to 3 days from 5, so she is too busy for me to get an appointment. I'm having a man cut my hair, which is fine, but for some reason I have always preferred women. Maybe I'll try something new instead of my usual close-cropped look, or maybe that's the residual OTC pharms talking.

My heart soars with gratitude when I think of how fortunate I am to be here now, instead of somewhere else, unable to be of help to those around me and unwilling to turn over the obstacles in my path to my Higher Power to build with as It sees fit.

Asking for help is one of the greatest gifts I have been given.


Johnnyboy

"24", spring, and awful roadkill...

So it's been a while since I've posted, so I should have a lot to say, but I'm afraid there will be some ranting going on.

I have finished all four seasons of "24", the real-time TV drama starring Kiefer Sutherland. I must admit, that despite my frustration at the human flaws of the characters, I found the series to be gripping and enjoyable. Boy Scout-Hero-Superman Jack Bauer finally defeats his enemies and confronts his own personal demons along the way, one of which is heroin addiction. Another character, Tony Almeda (my personal favorite), also falls into the pit of alcohol addiction, but recovers in the final reel. We don't see how, other than burying himself with work, but my sneaking suspicion is that there was some Program going on during the scripting of the show.

The highlights for me were many in seasons 3 and 4. When Sherry Palmer is killed I shouted "yes!". The world didn't need another socio-pathic bitch running around, and she was always causing trouble. There were many more boosts, but that was my specific fave. In the end Jack is "killed", and the last scene has him walking off into the sunrise of a new day, a civilian, with a false identity. A new day, a new man, and the world has been saved, again, by Jack Bauer, who modestly assumes the role of a man just doing his job.

My rant these days is about turtles, or rather dead turtles on the road. It breaks my heart and makes me angry to see such things. Personally, I stop and help the critters to the side of the road, always in the direction they were headed. Unfortunately this doesn't always happen. I have seen a few in the past 2 weeks, and two of them have been large Aligator Snapping turtles. Big ones. Messy and avoidable. My suspicion is that some of the red-neck country fucks around here actually try to kill them. In the words of Bruce Cockburn, "If I had a rocket launcher..."

My garden is in, and when we get some freakin' sun maybe stuff will grow, but right now it's cool and windy, with intermittent rain. Soon come the sun...


My grades are great, but I am doing the work.

Sweetie Pie tangled with a feral cat the other night and is now on anti-biotics. Nothing grave, but the other cat managed a couple of good bites in the haunches. Needless to say, she was hesitant about being outside for a couple of days, but that seems to have been a passing thing. All is back to normal. I've also put her on Science Diet Light, so she can shed a few pounds. 2 or 3 would suffice. She's not as active as the last feline inhabitant of the residence, so this makes good sense, I think.


I have loads of homework to do, so I'll update later...


Johnnyboy

Back'n the US, Back'n the US, Back'n the USSA...

Yes it was a wonderful time, and I miss Greece and my friends immensely. My eyes were opened yet again, and you know the details if you have been reading my posts, so I won't repeat myself.

My final 2 days were spent in Athens, at a friends home in the city. I washed some clothes, did some last-minute shopping and made a phone call or two. On the night before I flew out, my friend Godfrey threw a big dinner for me and another AA named John, from the UK. We both left the next day after having only a few hours of sleep. Dinner on Monday night didn't begin until 10PM, so the festivities went on until about 2AM. I slept well for about 3 hours, woke up sober and refreshed, and John-o and myself took the Metro to the airport. My flight was uneventful, but long, especially the leg from Rome to Idlewild International, the airport near The Big City.

Coming back to Fortress Amerika was the most traumatic time of the whole month. My passport was once again flagged and I had to endure the same clearing procedure as last year. I asked why and the cop told me it was because I had been arrested and so I was in their 'watch list'. No peoblem, really, since I wasn't breaking any laws, but the next stage was very disturbing.

I was subjected to a thorough search of my backpack and shoulder bag, asked many personal questions about my financial status, employment particulars, etc...Then I was essentially accused of being a criminal by the nasty fucker searching my bags. We are all guilty until we are proven non-threatening here in the Land of Fear. The joke and the wasted time was, of course, on him, because I had not broken any laws and was not restricted from travel in any way. I think the moron was genuinely disappointed that he hadn't caught me being a naughty citizen. This is the excellent realization that I have had most recently. I can take responsibility for my past, understand that this routine may indeed be a permanent factor in my traveling abroad, and not be angry. It is, after all, of my own doing. Let the idiots at the TSA be angry that I am not behaving according to their profiles. My past is just that. I do not act or behave that way anymore, thank the gods.

I was through the stupidity in about 15 minutes and out the door, where my car and driver was waiting to bring me back here to Somewheresville.

The trees are green, my cat is happy I'm home, and I have spent this morning working in my garden. I woke up at 6AM and replaced the storm doors with the screens, changed some windows in the same fashion, planted 24 tomato plants, six peppers, 15 basil, bought the morning paper, and took a much needed shower...All before 9AM. Now it looks like rain...

Mom is up north visiting my sister for a couple of weeks. I'll try to get some stuff done for her around the house before she comes home.

BTW, chalk up 2 more 'A's for last semester. I'm still waiting on one paper, which I think I'll get a 'B' on. No worries either way.


Johnnyboy