Talkin' about Fear...

So I had an epiphany of sorts the other day...I am currently working on a historiography (writing about what others have written.) paper about Woodrow Wilson and the US foreign relations policy of neutrality before and during the First World War. Heady stuff, really, but no different than any other paper I have written on the conceptual level. I found myself mentally wringing my hands over what to do, what to do, etc...It suddenly occurred to me that this was a big problem (the hand wringing) and that I had always acted this way towards any challenge or assignment that was well within my grasp. I was flooded with this deep sense of calm, and that there was no problem and nothing to fear. I could write this piece, and write it well. My track record so far has proved that. Trust me, I am not making a 3.93 GPA because I'm such a swell guy!

Anyway, the conclusion I instantly came to was that I can do this (and almost anything) with style, panache, dignity, and grace. All I have to do is remember is to do it the best I can and that my HP will be taking care of the results. After 5 years of sobriety, you'd think I wouldn't need to remind myself of these things...Well, I have a built in Forgetter just like the next guy.

I begin my Degree Planning class next week, and the Fear is there too. I want to finish the BA in Historical Studies and then go for my MFA in journalism/photojournalism. I can do the MFA in Albany or The Big City, but that is about two years from now. After that, who knows?

I have been buying old cameras on eBay, primarily the Canon AE-1. I purchased two for a grand total of $150.00, both mint. I'll use the Digital Rebel for color work and the AE-1 as a dedicated b/w unit.

How strange...I am suddenly aware that I am completely at ease with the idea that these life directions are due to parental influences when I was a little boy--to document the space I travel through in words and images and feel wonderful doing it.

No Guilt, no Fear, no Shame, no Embarrassment, no need to get hung up about it...

Johnnyboy

It's been soooooo long.....

Two months ago I stopped blogging. I don't know why, and don't care. But everybody who did (does) care...Thank you very much. All's well and the river didn't rise, in fact, much is the same as it has been. I am still busy as a bird dog with school as well as still care giving the mother unit. She's doing great and we (the family) are working on getting her a live-in helper when I am overseas next summer for three months. This is slow going, but I am confident that it will work out. I have friends in the AA community here who do that sort of thing professionally, so I have reached out my hands and have received guidance, etc...I learned that in the rooms.

I presented my PP slide show a couple of weeks ago and it went swimmingly. It was clean, precise, and well spoken, and according to the conference director,one of the better ones. That says something good for my OCD. There were some other cool ones as well, particularly the presentations on Independent Film and the Modern Documentary, Femme Fatales and Film Noir, and the Conversation About Nothing, a la John Barth and Samuel Beckett. I left feeling relieved that it was over and ready for Round Two, which is a panel discussion next Monday night on Citizenship, Globalization, and, and what it means to live in an increasingly shrinking world. I was invited to be on the panel by a history prof of mine. Since I hold a dual citizenship with the EU and the US, I guess my opinion matters.

Next is a Photojournalism workshop at the ESC campus in The Big City that begins in November, as well as my Degree Planning class with my mentor that starts next week.

Yikes! Am I behind the 8-Ball? Maybe I should pick up the phone and find out!

Tonight is my current sponsor's AA anniversary--14 years. I am meeting up with a few folks for dinner and then a quick drive out to the meeting. I really like this guy and feel that I am maturing when I reveal my 'self' to him. He has helped me out a lot and will continue to do so.

It is almost 2008. That freaks me out a little.

I think it's time for a nap. My brain hurts.


Johnnyboy