Support groups...

After a thoroughly humbling and exhilarating 4-year anniversary in AA, I came home watched two episodes of 'Buffy' with a heavy heart. It seems that my role as sometime caregiver to my aging mother is beginning to take its toll. I told all the folks at the meeting that I would be reaching out to other support groups for help, and I will.

It only took about 20 minutes on-line to fine the info that I need. I now have contact numbers, and a partial list of scheduled meetings all within 30 minutes of home. I will make some of them part of my week.

I need help.

I need to know that I am not alone.

I need to cry and speak to someone who really understands how frustrated, angry, and terrified I have become.

If there is one thing I have learned in AA it is to ask for help.

Thank HP for keeping me sober today.


Johnnyboy

Finally back to work...

Christmas was wonderful and quiet, and the gifts I received cannot be compared to the gifts I already have. To be a part of my family's life today and to be trusted with the sometime care of my mother is the greatest of all the gifts I have. There is a downside to all this, however. As a previous professional doormat, I can fall back easily on the floor and allow those about me to tread not so gracefully over my life. I don't blame them, because I honestly don't believe that they are aware of the roughness of their boots, but the fact remains that feel set upon by the world and need to reestablish some boundaries. I have been neglecting my schoolwork, so I jumped back into that, but not before I straightened out my office, folded clean clothes in the basket, paid some bills that had been eyeing me from my desk, and got a jump on some reading. So I have been able to have a productive day so far. I wanted to have my hair cut, but my barber is closed until tomorrow. So that will wait.

We will be welcoming two new additions into our house tomorrow, and Sweetie Pie will not be pleased, but she will have to deal. My friend Lisa is moving to the far western part of the state and unfortunately needs to divest herself of some pets. She will be taking her dogs, who have been with her for many years, but she recently adopted 4 kittens from a barn litter and needs to give them away. I am taking two. they are only 12 weeks old, so I hope they will be both big enough to keep SP from becoming too jealous, and small enough to perhaps stir some kind of maternal instinct. Either way, the two babies have been great playmates and the house is big enough so I think everyone will establish their own spaces...

Tonight I go to my home group meeting for my 4th Anniversary. I am pretty nervous and am happy that this only happens once a year. If it happened more than that I'd have to run away screaming. Still, much to be grateful, thankful, and deserving of. From what I can gather, there will be a whole passel of folks coming...I'll try not to think about it.

Almost done with 'Buffy'--thank God--this last season is a trifle thin.


Johnnyboy

Merry Christmas world...

...Twas the night before Christmas...


And a Happy New Year!

The day before the night before Christmas...

The weather seems more like Novembers of old, with grey skies, drizzly, cold rain and a light mist over the distant hills. Much of the grass is still greenish and although Christmas is here, there is still no sign of snow. I fear Old Man Winter will be coming in like a lamb and leaving like a lion. Expect tons of snow and sub-zero temps for January through the end of March.

For those of you who have seen my Christmas tree, never fear, there are many lights on the shrub. The blinking lights were too random to catch all of them lighted at once, so I shot with a flash, giving the impression that there are no lights at all! I'll try some longer exposure times and see if I can duplicate some sort of time-lapse scenario.

After reading the 2nd half of Step 12 last night at my regular step meeting, I realized that I don't need to worry about the dating scene. I realize that I am going about it in the wrong fashion. I do not want to fall prey to the 'boy-meets-girl-on-AA-campus' syndrome, so I'll stick with a 'getting-to-know-you' social thing instead. Already there is someone I'd like to spend more time getting to know. She likes many of the same radio programs I enjoy, is amazingly brilliant, sensible, and imaginative, but unfortunately she is connected with many geographic points in my past. I'm not very comfortable with that, to be honest, although I should not worry about my fears regarding that scene. If we click, we click, and I shouldn't ignore the attraction. For now, we are only becoming friends.

After my decision to cancel my meeting with my father in The Big City I began to feel guilty, so I examined these feelings with my sponsor as well as my therapist. What I have discovered is a false feeling of obligation when it comes to my relationship to him. I was going to visit him because I felt that I should, or had to. In fact, I owe him nothing and am not obliged to do anything for or with him. I think this is the also the disappointment I felt last fall when I went to Steel City to visit him. I was there playing an uncomfortable role when actually there were better places to be in my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I love the guy, but I cannot play this game of familial charades any longer. It's emotionally unhealthy for me and dishonest to him. In many ways it is the same game his parents played with him, and the results were years of his anger and resentments towards his mother and a legacy inherited from his father. I don't want any of that.

On a lighter note, I have finished 'Buffy--Season 6' and already watched the first two episodes of Season 7. I can feel how the writers began to run out of ideas, and ultimately had to come back to the beginning and reclaim the thread. The stories are growing thin, true, but I do find Willow's struggles with her Magick Addiction hit close to home. I have to remember that I was pretty addicted to Buffy during my first year of sobriety and these final episodes were part of that year....hmmm, no coincidences.

I also find Dawn to be a vapid, self-centered, idiotic, little twit who should be sacrificed quickly to the nearest demon-at-hand before my head explodes. When HP was handing out brains, she missed the queue...


Johnnyboy

Oh, Christmas Tree...

Here's the tree this year. It's a Douglas fir and smells lovely. It hasn't soaked up a lot of water yet so I think it's pretty fresh. I'll post again before Christmas...promise!

Johnnyboy

Emotions, wrapping, ribbons, and boxes...

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day/longest night of the year, which has been celebrated by us humans for almost 30,000 years. Ancient folks used to build huge bonfires on this day to try to coax the sun into returning. They thought the world was ending. How nice and simple. Unfortunately we have to rely on the criminals in the White House for that luxury. I think they'd welcome the Apocalypse, but won't they be surprised when their arrogance, selfishness, and wicked, greedy, pinched minds end up burning in hell...back to the Solstice...The bonfire has evolved into lights and ornaments on a tree from the dark forest.

Jesus has nothing to do with Christmas. He was born either in September or May, whenever the Romans called a census. They kept records, that's why we know. Blame the Christian church on the timing. They had to get people into the Jesus thing somehow, so they co-opted the pagan holiday as their own. Pretty sleazy.

So I was supposed to visit my father in The Big City earlier this week, but I ended up not going. This is what happened...

I arrived at the train station around 8AM for the 8:28. I ran into a good friend from the program and we chatted away until suddenly we realized that the train was late. We weren't alone in this observation, as 40-50 other folks were waiting with us. The loudspeaker announced that a bus would be coming along to take us to the station where we would normally have changed trains--apparently our train was stuck behind a broken down engine down the line somewhere and they cancelled it. Anyway...

We all boarded the bus and drove south, to the sounds of a Christmas music loop that was only 7 songs long. "Felice Navidad", "Jingle-Bell Rock", and some other regulars were there, and we all had the chance to hear them each about 3 times! I was becoming annoyed, fed up, and wanting to just go home. Yes, I was giving up. Plus, because the bus had to stop at each station to rescue stranded passengers, we were all running late. The short story? By the time we reached the final station, my train had left and another wouldn't be along for two hours.

So I gave up. It felt as if the gods were making it clear to me that this meeting would not take place. I heavy heartedly called my father and told him that I wouldn't be in to visit. He tried to convince me to continue on, but I had made up my mind. After that I called some other folks I was hoping to see and told them of the change. They took it in better stride than him, but then again, they have a program. So I called a cab and went back to the first station, climbed in the old VW and headed home. Trust me, I was already exhausted by the preceding fiasco...There must be some classical story about this kind of situation, and what happens when one tempts fate too many times. It's a good thing that he was in town for more reasons than to just see me. He and his wife had many plans that did not include me anyway, so I don't feel too guilty about not being there.

I am almost finished with season 6 of Buffy, and have 'Angel' all loaded in Netflix for after the holidays. Season 5 of '24' was amazing. and I will wait patiently for #6 to come out on DVD next year.

Our tree is up, here in Somewheresville, and we will begin to hang decorations tomorrow and through the weekend. We aren't the type to have a shrubbery in the living room for too long, so a week or so is enough. I'll post a picture on Christmas Eve...


Felice Navidad,
Felice Navidad,
Felice Navidad,
Prospero Anjo
Felicidad...


Johnnyboy

My Humble Anniversary...

Strange things are a-happenin'....This month marks my 4th AA anniversary. I'm pretty humbled by the whole experience, actually, for a few reasons.

The first, I think, is that, besides my home group, no one has been announcing my anniversary. I have ended up announcing it myself, which I find very embarrassing and un-humble. So I have stopped doing that. I'd rather have the resentment and not worry about my 4th anniversary coming and going. Besides, it's the '4th', not the 5th, or some other hoop-dee-doo occasion. Yes, I know, I am venturing towards the pity pot a smidgen, but still...

The other humbling aspect is how much I have accomplished this year because of the help and support of AA and all the people in it. I have come a long way in the past 365 days and I could not have walked that many miles without a shoulder or two to lean on in the interim.

The third facet is that yesterday was my official sobriety date--December 15th--the day I finally became honest about my sobriety with my sponsor-at-the-time, Mike K. My physical date was sometime back in October, but that's old history. So as of today I move into my 5th year, one day at a time, with the help of my HP an the people in AA. Funny, I threw my I Ching last night and it told me that I must sacrifice something I cherished in order to dedicate it to a higher purpose and by submission I will find my place in life and recognize my fate. Success follows this action. I think what I really cherish is my solitude. perhaps I must give that up in some way.

Pretty scary stuff for me.

On less important subjects---

I have begun Season 6 of 'Buffy', so I think that my goal of finishing all 7 seasons before New Years Eve might pan out. Also, I have the final 8 episodes of '24--Season 5' in my hot little hands, so I'll wrap that up this weekend.

I am going to treat myself to a new winter coat today--not that the weather seems top warrant it...yet...


Johnnyboy

What I look for...Who I am...

Last Saturday night an AA friend asked me what it was that I looked for in a woman, i.e. potential partner, lover, friend. This is a sticky question for me, because I certainly wouldn't want to categorize someone or pigeonhole them in any way. I also am of the belief that we humans do not find love, rather it finds us. So, to twist her question around, it may be easier to discuss what it is that I find enjoyable and wish to share with another. That makes more sense to me.

So---I love museums--all kinds. I can spend hours and hours wandering around in the smallest of local historical society headquarters with the same verve I apply to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or the Zagreb Museum of Technology.

I love to travel. Trains, taxis, planes, boats, walking, etc...I was born on the road, and I think it has formed me at the genetic level. It's not the coming home that appeals to me, but rather the view out the window as the plane lands, or the train arrives in the station that sets my mind. There is also a logistical aspect to the whole affair that I love: all the planning, orientation, maps, maps, maps...

Food is good. By that I mean that enjoy all kinds, from off-the-street vendors to white-linen-gloved-waiters. What I do jot enjoy, and try my hardest to avoid, is an establishment which tries to be something it is not. This is a recipe for failure. Honest food is real...Don't screw around with the ingredients.

Solitude. I need my space. By that I mean that the potential partner and I must agree that we each need our own private areas, whether for mediation, office work, or whatever. This is not a defense mechanism designed to keep anyone out, but rather a cure for the doldrums borne of too-close-quarters. In other words, I would rather have separate offices, or even dwellings, than fall into the trap of over-familiarity.

Acceptance. Besides being the solution to all of my problems, I feel it is necessary to accept my lover/partner/friend/coochie-coo as who she is, warts and all. In my mind, a dangerous and checkered past is just that--the past, and has no real bearing on the current life. In fact, it may add many unique facets to the person with whom I share my toothbrush. To this end, I feel that the Recovery Pool might be my best bet for a mate, because they need to accept some things about me, too, and where else will I find such amazing people!

So that's it. That's me in a nutshell. And, like all narcissists, I crave myself as my best buddy.

'Buffy' is moving along. I am in the middle of season 5 and also watching season 5 of '24' as well.

Gotta go. People want my money.


Johnnyboy

Long time, no blog...

Yes, it's been awhile, and a lot has happened since Thanksgiving, much of it pretty boring, but hey, I'm a boring guy...Actually I don't think so, so who cares, right?

School is going well...only three more papers to write before Christmas and I'll be done with the semester. I think my new mentor will be a woman named Pat Haase, who is an associate dean and working on her doctoral thesis in history at SUNY. She is very nice, and, incidentally will be my instructor for an independent study next semester that I dreamed up...20th Century European History with an unofficial emphasis on the Balkan Peninsula...My kind of class. I am also registered next semester for a science class and an American History class, both of which will fulfill still more gen ed requirements. So I'll continue to be a full time student.

I am getting bored being without a mate...Yes, I crave physical interaction with a comely female of the species. There are many in The Program, and frankly I'm too weirded out by earth women, so I'll try from the Recovery Pool. The thing is that I never learned how to date in the first place, so I'm hoping they didn't either. I seem to gravitate towards women who are 10 years younger than me, which could make non-physical connections difficult...maybe I'll just give up on the whole prospect and remain solo...Yes, I am boring.

Still, it's great to be sober and available. Mom fell down last week, and, thankfully, didn't injure herself too much--just a twisted ankle, but the panic bells went off and I turned into Caring Man for the weekend.

I heard a very interesting speaker tonight. She went through almost 35 years before she ever really started drinking. I mean, her life was so incredibly successful and perfect. Then within a few years she played a miserable game of 'catch-up' and ended up pretty much as low as anyone else I've met. I began to grow tired with her success story, though, eager to hear about the fall and rise at the end. BTW, the woman I'm currently infatuated with was there tonight, and I felt the distinct vibe that I had more feeling for her than vis-a-versa. Yes, she is too young for me, but mighty pretty, single, and smart. I'll pass on that one, I suppose.

I'm deep in the middle of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', courtesy of Netflix. I am almost finished with season 4, with only 3 more to go after this. I think I'll wrap it up by New Years so I can watch season 5 of '24', now out on DVD.

I feel like Eeyore...


Johnnyboy