homework, the elderly, drug dreams, and chocolate milk...

I'll make this posting somewhat orderly, because I need to read some American History, as well as some other work today. If I can give myself 4-5 hours of reading I'll be in good shape for tomorrow, when I can do the same. On Saturday I'll go through the reading again and take notes on what I've highlighted and emphasised, and rest on Sunday. That's the plan, anyway.

I woke up early this morning so I could take my car over to the garage for a servicing. the usual oil, fluids, etc...When I came downstairs at 7AM, my mother was up, and had been since 4. When she saw me she yawned and mentioned how sleepy she was. I would be too, I said if I had been awake since 4. So she followed me over to the garage and drove me home. I have about an hour before the vehicle is ready.

It has occurred to me recently how old and fragile my mother is becoming. She is almost child-like in some ways. This is manifested in her truculence, stubbornness, and inability to ask for help. When she becomes tired she refuses to nap, or even admit that she is tired. The smallest of tasks wears her out. She also becomes very cranky. This is distressing to me, particularly because there is nothing that I can do about it. She refuses any alternative therapies (exercise, vitamins, napping, etc...) and continues on her plow-ahead-mentality fueled by memory loss, denial, and scotch.

On that note, I had a 'drug dream' last night, which are rarer than 'drunk dreams' for me. Suffice it to say that I used some ecstasy with some "friends" and had a thoroughly miserable time. There was so much crappy self-esteem issues revolving around the using that I woke up feeling really shitty and prickly about myself and the world around me. The upshot is that my patience level needs to be accentuated to deal with those around me, especially the elderly. This means more hugs than usual and perhaps even forced lightheartedness--anything to avoid a sharp tongue.

The chocolate milk? That was part of the dream. It's too bizarrely stupid to explain. Make up your own scenario...


Johnnyboy

New classes, good days...

So I have begun yet another semester in college. I have had 4 meetings so far, two of which were study groups and a third a private tutorial. the fourth meeting was with my new faculty mentor, Karen garner. She seems like the right person for me. She is very knowledgeable and will help me a great deal to navigate my remaining time in school. She also has some cool ideas for my Fine Arts Gen Ed requirement, but that's a secret...All I'll say is that it will have something to do with PowerPoint, travel, photography, and music. No, it will not be one of those boring travel slide shows...

"And here is another beautiful mountain range..."

My two classes are both Gen Ed thingies, but I am looking forward to working hard and receiving two 'A's for my efforts. The first is American History 1 and the second is a natural science class called 'From Genes to Galaxies'. The AmHist will be fun, because the teacher, a youngish SUNY PhD told us, at the beginning of class that 95% of what we have learned about the subject in most classes is wrong. We are welcome to argue with him, and indeed, he may give us better grades if we do, but most history (and most history texts) is taught with a specific agenda in mind that skews the facts to support a specific purpose. So I like that one already.

The science class is concerned more with scientific literacy more than science. the goal, the teacher explained, is for us to leave the class with a sense of what is going on in the world and to be able to discuss the scientific subjects of the day in an everyday setting. Our final project is a biography of a scientist (living or dead) we admire with a 10 minute presentation. My subject will be Neils Bohr, the Danish physicist. Why, you may ask?

Because quantum physics does it to me liike...like...Oh dear, I've done it again...

I have been mastering Excel as well, so by next September when my art report is due, I should be pretty fluent with the Windows toolbox.

Well, I'm off to do some reading before I head out and help another AA to a meeting.

BTW, my cumulative GPA is 3.87...Not too shabby!


Johnnyboy

Je m'accuse...

I must admit that my last post was arch, mean spirited, and cruel. People deserve to live their own lives as they see fit, not as I think they should. So to all those who are most likely offended, I promise to not make those errors in judgment again.


I hope and pray for those folks, if only to allow me to let them live and let live.


I'm working on this life of mine, folks. Some days are better than others.


Johnnyboy

Disturbing social trends...

I'll make it brief, because frankly I don't want to set up all the links, but there are some very disturbing trends moving through this country. I'll list them.

1. According to a recent poll, over 65% of high school seniors want little else than to be "rich and famous" as adults. That's so disgustingly shallow and points to some serious flaws in the moral and ethical makeup of the country. Also, it is quite unreasonable, since most of them will end up being middle-class (or less) nobodies.

2. The supermodel Naomi Campbell has been in the news recently. One of her maids is suing her on charges that she assaulted her. The story says that when Naomi couldn't find a favorite pair of jeans she threw a tantrum, and then threw her cellphone at the poor woman. OK, so materialism is so important that a pair of jeans is worth this? Please, people...

3. At the gym the other day I was watching some nasty talk show on 'Fox' about the "Housewives of Orange County". First, what a waste of television. It proves that it is truly a wasteland. Second, these women are disgusting. They are in their late forties and desperately try to be 18 again. Botox was probably just the beginning. There was a lot of "surgical enhancements" on those bodies. I know. Breasts are not shaped like cantaloupes. Plus, one of the mothers went on a Dutch cruise in the Caribbean with her 18 year old daughter. the age is important because the drinking age on those boats is 18, so the home movies are of mom and daughter sitting around doing shots, looking bleary, and, and, and....Yuck!

4. One of the "housewives" (22 years old, BTW) was asked how she keep passion alive in her marriage...This is the scene: her husband earns gazillions of dough somewhere and prefers that she doesn't work. No problem...it's their choice, really. So what does she do for him to keep the flame aglow? They showed the TV viewers. First, sometime around 11AM she pours herself a big glass of wine and proceeds to rummage through her expansive closets in search of the sluttiest clothes she can find. All the while she's chugging the vino and prancing about in her lingerie. When she has found the right combination she calls her husband at work and tells him that she really needs him at home for some reason. So he rushes home, thinking that something is wrong. She greets him at the door, and proceeds to treat him like a customer at a strip club.
Two thoughts went through my head: What sort of role model for anyone (let alone young women) is this woman? So the solution to a flagging love life is drunkenness and slutty role playing? My next thought was what the husband was really thinking when he saw her in the foyer...

"Dammit, she's drunk again. I wish she would just get some help. Why does she do this? Doesn't she realize that she is putting our lives in jeopardy by distracting me from my work? I can't take it anymore..."


This country has already gone down the shitter. The sound you hear is someone jiggling the handle...


So that's what has floating around my noggin for the past few days.


Johnnyboy

I think I have a partial solution...

In regards to this situation with my father, I think I have a solution for him...

Al-Anon!

I know he will balk at the idea, because this has already happened. His response the first time was "But I went to an AA meeting a few years ago with my girlfriend..." He is one of those guys who doesn't wish to examine himself too closely, I fear.

I feel though, that he will understand me better if he at least tries to work some kind of program. Seeing as two of his children are in AA it is the best course. So far he hasn't contacted me, but when he does, all I'll respond with is "Go to Al-Anon" and then let it go.

I think I have finally finished my last paper from the past semester. The damn thing really had me going around in circles for a while. I'll sit on it for a couple of days and then reread, revise, and email it to the prof.

Not much else to say tonight.


Johnnyboy

A very cool site I found...

Everyone should check out this womans video/blog site. She is NYC and makes these very cool, unpretentious, honest, sweet, funny, intelligent, videos. Her name is Christine and I found her site through YouTube. So there is something worthwhile on the Web!

For some reason I am enchanted by this woman and her sense of humor and honesty. Check out her stuff...Very cool. 'Home' made me cry...


I have realized that I still have a great deal of anger alive and kicking in my relationship with my father. We kind of had a blow-up last week when I tried to assert some sense of independence from him. Without going into details, a subject came up and he told me that if he was over-stepping his bounds, for me to let him know. So I did, in a very adult fashion, tell him to "butt out" (his words). Then he brought up the issue again!

When I really pushed back at him, he responded as he always has when he feels that one of his children has 'misbehaved'--he scolded me and shamed me. What a jerk! Thankfully, as an adult, I can choose whether to let him treat me like a child or not. I choose 'not'.

The facts are simple: He is my father, and we had some good times. Although he wasn't there a lot of the time, he tried his best, I think. Unfortunately he was also very mean, cruel, impatient, and shaming with me and those are the memories that have shaped much of our relationship. He wants desperately to connect with me, but I do not feel the same. Our relationship is close enough as it is. He left the family in 1972 and finally divorced in '84, so in my mind, he deserted his children and wife for a life that suited his needs, not ours.

I didn't drink because of what he did, but rather how it has made me feel. What kind of son wants to go through life knowing that he should love his father, but actually hating him at the same time? Who wants to express that conflicted emotion? Drinking was an option that provided a dense pillow against these feelings. So, four years into sobriety this iceberg is melting and the emotion is emerging. I am realizing one thing at least which is that the standards he sets for everyone in his life are unattainable. He has purposely designed this set as a way to 'teach' me (and others) to strive. That would be fine, except if I didn't measure up, he would make some cruel, cutting and mean remark that would end up making me feel worthless and low.

So, Christines video of 'Home' made me cry, because her life is something I never experienced.

dammit....


Johnnyboy

Goodbye Sunnydale, Spyware, Adware, and otherTrojan Horses...

So I finally finished 'Buffy'. The last few episodes were pretty good and left me with a warm fuzzy feeling. I was sorry that Anya died, but the old evil folks have to pay for their indiscretions. Still, it was worth the time spent watching the whole series. Now I can begin 'Angel' tomorrow.

For some reason all my surfing landed me in trouble yesterday when I began to have all these pop-ups (yes, on Firefox even) and warnings about Spyware, etc...Essentially they were all adverts for software that would rid me of the pesky things, but every time I went to one of the sites...yes, you guessed it, more corruption. One bit that I did purchase (for $35) ended up being kicked out by Norton as a virus itself, so I learned my lesson there. I have to take the loss on that one, I think. It may have actually been a legit program...

I was getting pop-ups every 7 minutes (I timed them) so I became fed up and went right to Microsoft. I purchased one of their programs and voila! All gone!

The software detected 5 viruses and 14 adware/spy programs running behind the scenes. It fixed and deleted them promptly. So now I am clean and fresh, so to speak.

I'm tired. Time for bed. Nighty-night...


Johnnyboy

Another day, much like the others...

This morning began with a flurry of confusion and questions, all easily solved and answered by a couple of telephone calls to the right people. Being a primary caregiver is possibly the most challenging activity I have ever engaged in. Amazing, really, to think that at one time she was the one solving all of my small confusions and easing my fears. To have the shoe on the other foot is a humbling and rewarding experience and one which I will never forget.

I have been able to find some support groups, but to be honest the network is a trifle thin. Most people really do not want to share their feelings about this subject, I think. This is just more proof that everyone needs a 12-Step program of some sort, if only to learn to open up and share how they feel.

I am very grateful that I have two loving sisters who support me in spirit and action either here at home or via long-distance communication. Sometimes all I need is a kind word of recognition and I am revived.

Next week we have another visit with the neurologist. I will be speaking frankly about her increased memory loss as well as my desire to seek support. I hope I can figure something out. Maybe I'll start some kind of group here in Somewheresville? There has to be a 'need', but is there a 'want'?

This is all new territory for me, and at times it is very difficult. These are some words that describe how I feel:

Amazing
Frightened
Frustrated
Exhilarated
Rewarded
Fulfilled
Sad
Angry
Patient
Impatient
Kind
Grateful
Humble

Essentially the whole bucket of life in one experience.

On a more banal note...after the holidays the mail has been restored to normal, which means that I now have the final two discs of 'Buffy' and the first two discs of 'Angel' in my hot little hands.


Johnnyboy

All is quiet....

All is well here in Somewheresville. I have been to a New Years Day Open House, which was very nice. Good people with kind hearts are a blessing in this strange and sometimes violent world. With all the death, fear, and dismay released into the world over the past three or four days, it is no wonder that my afternoon looks like the above manipulation.

The mist and quiet of water dropping off of the rhododendrons allows my mind to cool from its incessant wanderings...

I am off to qualify in Canaan tonight in front of what is usually a big crowd of re-habbers.


I'd like to buy the world a Coke...


Johnnyboy

A New Year of Flexible Boundaries...

So this is 2007? Happiest of New Years to you all...So much has happened in this past year that I cannot possibly begin, but suffice to say that the world has been as honest, open, and willing as I have been. Life for me today is a mirror of my attitudes and actions, and that seems to be working.

The guy who has purchased the land near my home is apparently "beautifying" the property to make it more attractive to developers. That's a shame, but his actions are not illegal, and there isn't much I can do about it. Unfortunately, many folks are up in arms, or trying to be up in arms, concerning this project. They do not seem to understand that they are not in control of the world, and when they try, their lives become unmanageable. Yes, they are Earthlings without a program.
One of the more distressing aspects of this 'movement' is that for some reason my name has been added to the list and seems to be a focal point for people wishing to have information. I have traced this back to the source and will address the issue at the proper time.

Let me just state, for the record, that this landowner is not breaking any laws, and that to interfere with his plans could constitute some sort of harassment or slander. Also, I do not wish, nor would I accept any nomination as leader, advocate, expert, Grand Pooh-Bah, or Chief Boat Rocker. Those who cannot fight their own battles, in this case specifically, should do just that and leave me out of it!

Since I had already tried to establish this flexible boundary, I now have to make it more firm, hence the firmer stance and stronger language.

I also need to be more disciplined in my life. When I was in jail (although it was a horrible experience that need not be repeated) I had a routine of reading and writing that kept me busy, focused on a task-at-hand, and constantly learning. I need to set up a similar system today. Besides my reading for homework, I need to set aside a certain amount of time (1 hour per day) for pleasure reading. My goal is to read The Brothers Karamazov by the end of March. I should also include some poetry as well. My sister gave me a wonderful book of poems for Christmas by the poet Martin Steingesser and I have begun to read some Rilke as well. With my schoolwork that should complete my day. I also need to get back to the gym. I have gained about 10 pounds back that I would like to lose. Of course it is all in my mid-section, so if I take these new boundaries one-day-at-a-time, I think I can do it. My goals? here they are...

1.Finish TBK by the end of March
2.Lose the 10 pounds and have it stay gone by that time as well
3.Remove myself from other people's battles


That's enough for me. I would like to build more model airplanes, and I will use that activity as a counter weight to the more serious, studious, or academic lives I live today.


So here's to boundaries and the safety, security, and freedom they allow us all to have!

Huzzah!

Johnnyboy