Bloody hot, humid, and humble...

I have decided to tell my sponsor about putting him on a pedestal and to make an amends. I feel that my character defect is unfair to him and robs him of the basic human trait of falibility, without which he would not be an inspiration and role model. His disbelief of my actions, I have decided, is none of my business. I will take suggestions, do what's asked of me, but ultimately I can only work my program to the best of my ability, and no one else's.





The coyotes are wailing utside my window, and I'm glad my cat is inside, otherwise she might end up in their cooking pot.

Here are three pictures of Ireland. They are pictures of the Wicklow Hills, south of Dublin, yours trull standing on one of them, and an AA meeting in Dublin, on Molesworth Street, where we crammed 20 people in a tiny room, shut the door, and esentially took an hour-long sauna during an Irish heat wave.


Johnnyboy

Pedestals, sponsors, and trust...

Over the past week I have been able to put some physical distance between myself and my sponsor and reflect on the recent events in our relationship. I came to a startling conclusion, and one for which I think I owe him an amends: I have placed him on a pedestal. This is true. I have viewed this guy as such the paragon of virtue and good works that I have forgotten that he is another alcoholic in recovery just like me. I have blindly done everything that he has asked me to do not for the purpose of making myself feel better, but to please him and ultimately make him like me. This is not a good thing because it has made me take steps in directions that, after thoughtful meditation, I find I do not need to take. He has thrown the stick and like a good dog I have played "fetch".

But something else has happened that I have only just realized. When he set the most recent task before me, and I moved forward with it to the best of my ability, he accused me of 'spinning' a different story to my therapist in order to weasel my way out of the chore. This is not true. I stated our (sponsor/sponsee) goal clearly and without fear, spin, or negativity, and my therapist warned me against the move. When I told my sponsor the results, he made the accusation. In short, despite my truthfulness, he didn't believe that I had acted accordingly in the process. He thought that I had lied to him, or "stretched the truth", if you prefer. So what do I do with a sponsor who doesn't believe me when I tell him the truth?

Help me out here. I need some advice from you folks.



Johnnyboy

Galway and Dublin...Amends made...

Just a quick note...

My amends to Eileen in Dublin went great. We spent the day together and all was well. There were no real amends that needed to be said, just honest time spent together.

I traveled to Galway today to make amends to the hotelier who saved my life 7 years ago. I was afraid that he would have died or something along those lines. He was home, and although my alcoholic mind said that he should remember me, he didn't. The world does not revolve around me, it seems. He was surprised and very pleased that someone would come back and fix something like this from such a long time ago. He accepted only the money that he had loaned me, around 15 Euros, and we had a great chat about drinking, alcoholics, et al...He said more than once that "this was one for the record books". I left feeling a semse of relief and accomplishment. The rest of the money, about 50Euros, I will give to the Vincent de Paul charity here in town.

Ireland has more AA meetings than you can shake a stick at, btw. Loads of sobreity here in my homeland.

It`s good to be home again. But I must leave this place and return to the Fortress Amerika all too soon. See you all there!


Johnnyboy

The 9th Step continues...

I spoke to my sponsor this morning about my conversations with my therapist(s). To be honest, he wasn't happy and he accused me of being frightened to look clearly at my past misdeeds. I feel that he is wrong, especially when he also accused me of putting a 'spin' on the discription of the process we had spoken about. I was clear and honest with them, and I was clear and honest with him. I have looking at my past behaviors with complete willingness and clarity, and I have never made them smaller than they were or less important. I am also leaving the past behind me, but this is a slow process as opposed to the fast process that he advocated.

A month ago he mentioned that whatever amends I make "should hurt". I don't agree with this at all. I have punished myself and have been punished by others enough. It's time to stop hurting myself. When the literature speaks about whatever price we must pay we will pay, I feel that I have paid. My daily amends to my past criminal actions will be those of small random kindnesses, and the grace of my sobriety. This morning on the phone I felt all the anger leave me. I take this as a sign that I am doing the right thing.

On that note, I leave for Ireland in two days for a week long trip to address some amends that need to be made to a close family friend and also some people who were negatively affected by my drinking several years ago. I weighed the options of making phonecalls, writing letters, etc...but a face-to-face is what is needed. Those that are not close to me will represent both the the amends I need to make to them and also the amends I feel I need to make to the country of my birth. By returning to Ireland a a sober man I am showing, rather than telling, that I have evolved into an upright human being, capable of remaining accountable for my drunken, slovenly, wheedling and grandiose behavior.

The last time I carried a bottle of Irish Whiskey in my shoulder bag. This time I'll be carrying my 12-and-12 and a list of AA meetings in Dublin and Galway. The last time I took for granted the hospitality, charity, and love shown to me. This is why I feel I must be there in the flesh.

So, get well Aravis, and everyone else, don't forget to do the next right thing, because you'll know it by the way it feels.


Slange,
Johnnyboy

Sad Day in Mudville...

It's a sad day here...Syd Barrett has died. Syd was the founder of Pink Floyd. He had lived as a recluse in Cambridgshire since leaving the band in 1968, a victim of massive amounts of LSD and other substances. He leaves behind a legacy fit for any king. Goodnight sweet Syd...


On the 9th Step Front...I had something of an argument with my sponsor the other day. Some of the work that he wanted me to do was making me feel bad, real bad, and insane, criminal, and as if I was being punished again. He wouldn't listen to me when I told him this, repeating that "this is what we agreed on", and so on. Very disturbing. The gist is that he wanted me to work this trauma out with my therapist, who would provide me with professional material that would help me make an amends (which I feel I have already made tenfold).

So we argued. Then this morning I called a specialist that knew of my case (not my shrink, but more so) and he felt that it wasn't necessary for me to dig up what I had already processed and buried just to relive the pain that I had caused. He was with me years ago and helped me to process this guilt, shame, and anguish in a professional and clinical setting, so he knows. He told me that if my sponsor wanted to, he could call him and speak with him.

So then I went to my therapist. I laid out the plan again, being careful to not take any sides in the issue.

He also felt that it was unnecessary, and perhaps quite dangerous, feeling that it would put my whole emotional state in a tailspin. He also brought up the subject that my sponsor might be running the risk of crossing over into the domain of a counselor and that he wasn't qualified to be engaging in such investigations. The therapist reminded me that trauma, guilt, shame, etc...is not healed by a full-immersion, head-long assault, which would cause lasting damage. He suggested that I tell my sponsor that he (therapist) would in no way provide me with any material that would jeopardize the work we have done in the past 5 years. If my sponsor doesn't agree with that, he should let go of the subject and let the professionals handle it. He also told me to let my sponsor call him if he wished.

For the record, I was more than willing to go ahead and do what my sponsor told me to do.

Perhaps that's a problem. He's telling me to do things, and not suggesting.

This isn't the first time he and I have disagreed. I am beginning to see some things that he does in the program that I don't like. He's big on subtly inserting his political views into group issues, but he also a wonderful voice for calm discussion. I don't agree with his "AA For All Addicts" philosophy, but I respect it. I guess sometimes I have to take sides. AA is for alcoholics, not drug addicts who have no where else to go. The message becomes diluted by having to generalize the issue at hand.

Just my opinion.


Johnnyboy

20th Century Fallout...

I think my generation and perhaps all of Gen X is suffering from PTSD.

I was born in 1965, and throughout that time period I have been exposed to violence, trauma, fear, and pain...and that's just from TV. Lump that with with all of the actual experiences that I have had and have exposed myself to and you see the whopping stress that has encompassed my life. It has come to the point that I don't flinch when I see death and destruction on the screen, and actually crave that kind of action once in a while from the movies.

I don't think I'm alone in this experience. I know many people like me, most of whom are trying to solve their problems through whatever means necessary: therapy, 12 Step programs, spirituality, religion...you name it.

We are all running for cover in the fallout from the most violent of eras in the history of humanity. These times have made their mark.

Look at the TV ads for pharmaceuticals products: it's all about pain relief, indigestion, sleeplessness, drowsiness, constipation, ADHD, ADD, stress, body image issues, and more. These are all common symptoms of PTSD. No wonder people are blowing each other up. After a while it probably begins to make sense. As a world culture we have allowed ourselves to be victims, even when we were legitimately wronged.

It's like that scene in 'Repo Man', when Duke is dying in the liquor store, and he says, "I blame society...society made me what I am..."

I think the guy might be right...



Johnnyboy

Such is news, and how about Helen Reddy?

Not much going on these days in Somewheresville. I am struggling, however, with alot of weird stuff around family members and 9th Step work (see the previous post). I am getting through both of them the way I am supposed to, with patience and tolerance. I heard a good Al-Anon thing the other day...

"Your inability to cope with life is not a reason for me to panic."

I love that, and it is so true. How many times have I rushed to the aid of someone who I thought needed or wanted my help, only to find that, really, it was none of my business? I think I have learned to respect the right of someone to be wrong, make mistakes, and figure it out. If they want help, they will ask and I'll help in any way that I can, but otherwise, they're on their own. It's even up to them to figure out, for themselves, that they need to ask for help. I know for myself, it's usually when the walls are crumbling around me that I reach out, but that's alright, at least I reach out. I cannot, nor will I, save the world. I am not responsible for tying up other peoples loose ends, nor am I willing to be a go-between amongst battling forces. I'll watch from the sidelines, thank you very much.

The Buddhists consider someone who runs around solving the world's problems, worrying about other people's affairs and, in the process, neglecting themselves, as "lazy". These people are Human Doings, not Human Beings. Today I try to find some time for myself, to get away from everyone and everything, for silent meditation, for a quiet walk in the woods alone, or even here, at the keyboard. I've done for others today, now it's my turn. If I am not inwardly healthy, then I can help no one. Filling my life up with constant tasks and errands is a great way to avoid confronting myself. By the end of the day I am exhausted, with no time for reflection, but I can still feed my ego by patting myself on the back for saving the friggin' world.

No thanks. I'll put my air mask on first, and then I'll help the person beside me.

Now, one of my favorite subjects..."Where are they now?"

Subject: Helen Reddy

I always wondered, where the heck did she go? I assumed she became involved in some religious cult, or real estate, or both, but the truth, dear readers is far more bizarre...

This morning's New York Times Book Review has a short review of the new memoir about her called "The Woman I Am", by Herself. There is a short bio-synopsis (three husbands #1-alcoholic, #2 "substance abuser", business manager, who tried to take her child, but took her money instead, and #3 who doesn't come into the story much). There is a pattern that I see here of co-dependence, denial, and victim-volunteerism. But it ended when she had a spiritual breakthrough. She became metaphysically focused on reincarnation and past-life regression, using it to trace family trees and such. Her theory involves "group karma", wherein "several people--often family members ...reincarnating together to resolve unfinished business..."( Sarah Ferrell NYT, 7/2/2006) She uses this theory on the English Royal Family, saying that Wallis Simpson (Edward VIII's American wife) was the reincarnation of Richard III, coming back to atone for the deaths of the young princes in the Tower during the War of the Roses. In the same chapter she states that Elvis was King Tut. Reddy has found her niche, though, because now she has become a licensed clinical hypno-therapist, and one hopes, has found happiness at last.

Isn't that just the strangest story you have heard? I mean, really..."I am Woman, you are getting very sleepy..."


Johnnyboy