Finding out about myself...

One of my greatest character defects is my desperate need to please people. This, as many of you know, usually causes more problems than not. For much of my life I have been a human waffle. I have had great pride in being able to see both sides, or even all sides, of an issue and agree with everyone. When it came time to choose sides, which at times Ihad to do, I felt as if I would betray my 'friends' and they would hate me for it. I have lived with this flaw for my entire life, but I must now make a stand.

The vote on Friday for my AA homegroup to adopt the Blue Card was greeted with an uproar from many addicts in the room yesterday. A coup d'etat ensued and the vote was stricken down in favor of a group conscience. The group will now vote on this issue at our next business meeting in September. What was once an AA meeting has turned into an Addicts Anonymous meeting where all subjects are considered worthy of discussion. The structure of AA at the noon meeting in Great Barrington is crumbling, taking AAs singleness of purpose with it.
During the discussion afterwards I found myself voting for the vote extension. I felt weak and shameful, having turned my back on the Traditions of AA. I made a vow yesterday afternoon, after confessing this defect to another alcoholic, to stand my ground firmly when it comes to my beliefs, sobriety, and the type of group I wish to call my homegroup.

I trust in the Traditions of AA, namely Traditions 3 and 5 in this case. I also must remain in a place where I feel the core of AA remains strong. This group is beginning to lose their focus. Bill W., our founder and a deeply flawed man himself, reminds us to not follow the path of The Washingtonian Group. This was pre-AA and The Washingtonians had helped sober up about 100,000 drunks. They then felt that since their program worked so well with drunks, why not work with all the problems that confronted mankind. Bill W. realized that the "multipurpose activities" of the group diluted its message and became its downfall, regardless of its good intentions. This is why there is a singleness of purpose about AA, that it is for alcoholics who want to get sober and to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

All of this comes at a time when I will be going back to school and will not find as much flexibility to attend the noon group. At the end of September I will regretfully resign from my GSR and Secretary positions and find another homegroup. My relationship with my sponsor will change as well. Unfortunately he is the spearhead of this new all-inclusive movement. I have learned a great deal from him. One of his lessons has been to stand up for what you believe in, even if people do not agree with how you feel.


On a lighter subject, one of my favorite--The X-Files. It was silly of me to think that Cancerman had been written off of the show. I am just finishing up season 5 and am pleased as punch to watch lots of episodes with Alex Krycek, aliens, the black cancer, Cancerman in a cabin in Canada, and Mulder coming to terms, yet again, with The Truth. I was afraid it would all end up with silly little investigations in the heartland of America.

Here are the haiku---

15.
Ripples running quick
and racing across the lake
pushing leafy boats.

20.
The leaves are clapping,
applauding the cooling breeze:
a sigh of relief.

44.
Smooth, tattered, velvet,
indigo, phosphorescent:
a broken moths wing


Johnnyboy