A sunny, sunny day...

If it's not technically spring outside, it sure as hell feels like it. The birds are singing spring songs, my cat is running about in the snow (which is melting quickly) and the sun is shining in a clear blue sky. On top of that I stayed up late last night and worked on some science homework, woke up early this morning (8AM) and wrote 2 pages of a paper due by Monday, and have now returned from running errands in The Town of the Miller.

All in all, I could go back to sleep and still call the day a success, and it's only 12PM. I have a lot to do before I nap (oh, yes, and I will...) this afternoon.

I have decided to not leave my current homegroup, but rather celebrate at two groups next year. There are no rules that say I cannot. At this point there is no conflict of voting seeing as the smaller group does not hold business meetings or whatnot. So the Village by the Lake still remains as my primary HG and the Other Place is my secondary.

I should be receiving my new camera soon. I purchased a Canon EOS D350 (aka, the Rebel XT) and it should arrive this week. I'm hoping tomorrow. This has not been an inexpensive purchase, but a necessary one if I plan on moving on up in the world of f-stops and other features. It has an 18-55mm lens and a 2gig memory chip already installed. I have also ordered a shoulder bag to go along with it. With this camera I do not trust my messenger bag for complete protection. I have purchased a bag that is actually too large for one camera and lens. This is so I can still bring my little Canon as well as use the bag for my other carry-on items like notebooks, maps, pens, tickets, cellphone, etc...It's well padded and made by Tamarac, which is a dependable company. I can also configure the protective compartments inside as I wish, leaving me the space I deem necessary for the above collection of stuff.

So today I am very grateful, and the fact that I am sober because of my HP and not my self-will is a humbling experience. Through my positive, life-affirming actions today, I am planting the seeds of the next right thing of tomorrow. I have discovered it is my own foolishness that turns sunlight to grey and makes me look the dolt.

There is so much freedom in the world that it can be very scary sometimes, but to misquote Werner Heisenberg, sometimes there are things so scary that we have no alternative but to laugh.


Johnnyboy

A snowy day in blue...

Here's the promised picture...I have been experimenting with the 'manual' settings and I shot this one at 1/1600, f5.6, and a film speed of 80 with the 'sunlight' setting. I took about 20 pictures at different settings until I got this one right.

I am looking for a new camera, however. This little Canon A530 only has two f-stop settings-2.8 and 5.6. That severely limits some of my potential.

Still, I like the shot.

Johnnyboy

The days move along...

This is a great thing, really, because it points towards progress, not perfection. Today I have made not only the decision to turn my will and life over to HP, the the wills and lives of others as well. I cannot control them any more than I can control my life if I add a drink to the mix.

My sister and niece will be coming back from their trip to The Big City this afternoon, and I hope by then my mother will have made some headway in packing for her trip up north. No one likes change around here, but strangely enough I am getting more used to it. I actually seem to invite change into my life and push through it, taking what I need from the experience and leaving the rest.

It has snowed again, and the world is covered in sugary frosting. I'll go run and take a picture and post it tomorrow.

Until then...

A new age and some new ideas...

Today is February 18th, 2007. Yesterday was my birthday, the 17th, and I officially celebrated 42 years on the planet Earth. That's pretty amazing considering only a few years ago I was on the fast track going downtown...Things are looking up and I had a lovely day. Here's the list--

1. Woke up without a hangover.
2. Asked for help to stay sober from HP.
3. made the Big Decision.
4. Went downstairs, where my mother had arranged a heart-shaped cookie
for my breakfast.
5. Read for about 4 hours and then typed up my homework due on Tuesday.
6. Made the bed in the guest room for my sister and niece to share.
7. Took a nap around 3:30.
8. Woke up, had a shower, a snack, and chatted with mom.
9. Went to a celebration/pot luck meeting with 4 other AA's and truly enjoyed
the fellowship of friends.
10. Sang 'Happy Birthday' with them in the car on the way home.
11. Went to bed sober and sane and grateful.
12. Slept through the night.

So, all in all, a pretty amazing day. My sister and niece arrive in a few hours from Maine and I am slightly nervous. We don't always see eye-to-eye and it is difficult for me not to place expectations on her being here, but I'll let it go and have a good time. They'll be in The Big City for a few days this week anyway, so they won't always be here. Then, when they leave next week, they will be taking mom along with them for about a week and a half to give each of us a break from each other.

One of my new ideas (which I have already run by my sponsor) is that I may be changing homegroups. Don't get me wrong, I love my current group, and feel that they are a great and diverse bunch of folks. In fact, I will still attend my regular Wednesday night meeting there. It's just that there is this little group that I attend every Friday and Sunday nights that, although it may be well attended by others (15-20), rarely (if at all) has any official 'group members'. There are only three to begin with anyway, and I would make it four. It's a strong group, as well. The treasurer sends donations to GSO, District, and Area, and our GSR is 17 years sober this month. I think I'll step up to the plate and go where I am needed. So at the end of March, when my coffee commitment is up at my current group, I'll take my name off of their list. This feels right because there is no anger or resentment associated with the change. I am doing this for AA and myself. It's kind of a new and light feeling.




Johnnyboy

Angel's soul...

Well, I guess the fact that Angel bargained with W&H to change events and give Conner a normal life shows that the vampire has a soul, conscience, and love in his heart.

Still, if the spawn had just been offed from the start, none of this would have happened.

I'm going to my digital photography workshop today, in about 20 minutes, actually, and I am very excited. It will all be about showing up, having fun, and turning over the results.


Ciao!

Johnnyboy

Angel, Buffy, and annoying supporting cast members...

I am half-way through 'Angel-Season 4' and I like it alright, I suppose. There is one character that the show could have done without, in my opinion, both from the POV of his acting and the nastiness of the on-screen personality.

I am talking, of course, about Conner, Angel's son.

What an annoying person. I wanted Faith to kill him but she went back to Sunnydale with Willow.

Maybe the whole gang will just feed him to the sharks? Angel should have killed him when the prophecy was being read. Who cares if he has come in handy in a fight? I know...

Lock him in a closet with Buffy's sister Dawn and she can talk him to death.


Johnnyboy

More education, more knowledge...

My new mentor sent me an email this afternoon. She told me about a digital photography class being held on Sunday in Troy, about an hour or so north of here. It is being held at The Sanctuary for Independent Media, from 1 to 5pm. I am looking forward to this experience for a couple of different reasons. The primary reason revolves around my Fine Arts CBE for college. If I can learn to use my digital camera using the manual settings, I know I can make a better project, plus it may open other artistic and academic doors as well.

Another aspect is that I will probably meet a few people who might just think like and enjoy some of the same activities as I do.

Let's face it, even though I truly admire, like, and respect the current folks in my social scene, not many of them get the same thrill out of life that I do. My likes and dislikes are just different, that's all, not better or worse. Plus, many of them are much younger than I am, which sounds age-ist on my part, but it narrows our common experiences to the rooms of AA and the coffee shop down the street.

It's just reality, once again, making itself known. It will do me good to be around people who do not know me. I can practice being myself--as in my newer, sober self.

I have been rummaging through some old photos recently that I have taken over the years. Most are just snapshot thingies, but there are a few where I did try to capture a sense of art and place. The most striking were the pictures from the fish stalls in Venice, Italy, that I took back in 1993. I was using an old Canon AE-3 with a 28mm lens, and managed to squeeze out a few good ones. I'll try to post one or two for this entry.

My old VW is due to be gone, and soon. Things are starting to go wrong. On the drive back from school Monday night the driver's side window decided to not roll back up. I had lowered it to take a ticket at a tollbooth, and when I hit the button to send it back up, well...

This would not have been too bad, had it been summer and 70 degrees. However it was 0* and I had no choice but to bundle up and drive the remaining hour back home with the damn thing open. Thank the powers for Gore-Tex, fleece, and more fleece. I checked with a wind-chill calculator and the readings were based on external temperature (0 degrees) and a 65mph wind.

That's -41*, if anyone is wondering. My mechanic managed to get the damn thing to stay up and there it will stay until I lose the vehicle. It's the kind of repair that only VW can do and is estimated at $500-$600...Too much for me to spend on a car I'll only own for another month.

So that's the news. I am working on homework, hitting the gym, going to meetings, helping out mom, and getting plenty of rest. What else is there, at least for now?


Johnnyboy

More conventions, traditions, school, etc...

So, dearest globe trotters, there is another AA convention I will most likely be attending this summer, but this is slightly closer to home than Croatia or Greece. It is the 39th New York State HMB Convention in Glens Falls, July 20-22. I just found out tonight, so I'll make my reservations before I leave in may. This will be my first US convention, having only convened in Europe so far. I am excited, as always, for these events. maybe I'll fall in love with some beautiful sober woman, but with my luck she'll be visiting from overseas...

We read Tradition 2 and discussed the thing tonight at a local meeting and there was some good talk. Once again I am reminded that it is a 'we' program, but the traditions keep us from harming ourselves.

I have school both tomorrow and Tuesday nights, and I am ready, I think. I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with my Independent Study prof, so we'll discuss the rise of European fascism for an hour or so. I have been spending a lot of time on this class (as well as others) for the past two weeks and have read 4 books (plus notes) in preparation. My essay is finished for my science class (Tuesday night), and I have finished the required readings for my American History class tomorrow evening. My cumulative GPA for the past 4 semesters is a 3.89, for 10 classes/40 credits. I really want to ace these three current courses before I head off to Europe. This next trip will actually be counting towards my Fine Arts Gen Ed credit as I am planning to present a piece to a semi-professional group in September for a Credit-by-Evaluation.

Did that make sense?

Anyway...I'm off to watch some 'Monarch of the Glen'. I am enjoying this BBC show a great deal. It's some gentle comedy for my sometimes not-so-gentle mind to digest.


Johnnyboy

More disturbing nightmares and trust issues...

I had two very violent and disturbing nightmares last night. Both of them were 'using' dreams and both felt very real. I woke up relieved that the experience was a dream, but also very shaken. These are the latest in a series of dream scenarios I have had involving either drinking or drugging and are beginning to rock my foundation somewhat.

The first was a heroin dream, which is odd because I have never used heroin. In the dreamscape, I was with two Japanese (or at least Asian) men, about my age. They were torturing cartoon mice in small Spanish Inquisition-like devices, and then injecting them with heroin to test the purity of the drug. There was screaming, pleading, and blood, but I couldn't look away. It seemed as if I was being forced to watch the proceedings as a form of torture itself. The scenario shifted and there were more mice, more drugs, more pain, and death. The mouse bodies were thrown away like old sacks of limp rubbish.

The second dream was a drunk dream and involved the restaurant world, a place all too familiar to me. I had become a 'captain', which is essentially the head waiter and maitre d' of a local cozy and nice restaurant. All my friends were there, so to speak. There was the usual hustle and bustle of a busy Saturday night and afterwards, during the cleaning up, I grabbed a bottle of beer and a glass and had myself a long drink, about 8 oz. worth. I knew immediately what I had done and felt horrible, as if I had let everyone down. I shuffled back into the restaurant, knowing that I would have to start all over again and hanging my head in shame.

All of this has spurred the idea that I am still, within my family, living with a legacy of distrust, a belief that I am dishonest, prejudice, and fear. It has taken a lot of hard work to arrive where I am today, and any hopes I have pinned on the future rest on my ability to stay sober and do the next right thing. All of my strength is centered on a pivot of balance and direction, like a compass card swiveling inside the glass, shifting back and forth, but always pointing towards some hopeful and greater destination.


Johnnyboy