I am a lazy man...

I haven't posted in a while, so please forgive me. It has been a great few days, full of writing, meetings, and more good grades from school. My 'persuasive' paper on Harriet Miers was a big success in class and the general consensus is that there isn't a whole lot left to do before I hand it in 2 weeks from now. This is good news because I have my work cut out for me with another paper due next Tuesday.

There is a woman in my class, a girl really. She's only 19, and she is overwhelmed by the work we have to do. Maybe her schedule is too tight, I don't know, but tonight she became very angry and announced to the class that she shouldn't be in the class to begin with, etc...

I can identify. I remember when I was 19 (barely). The world was pretty overwhelming to me then, so I can't imagine that being that age has become any easier. Plus, I think she's a mother, wife, and all that, so she has plenty of balls to juggle. Actually I think she became a little intimidated when we all read each others papers and critiqued them in class. I didn't particularly like the process either. It was kind of embarrassing. To be honest her paper needs some work, but she can write, spell, and all that, so it's just a matter of finding a voice. This is, of course, the hard part of writing: finding a voice and letting it sing out loud. She'll end up making whatever decisions she has to make, but I think she's stuck with this class seeing as we only have one more meeting to hand in our final work.

Boy, do I want to rest on my laurels and goof off...

I can't really afford to do that, though. I have been neglecting my modeling, which is a very healthy and meditative activity for me. I'll get back to that tomorrow afternoon for a couple of hours.

So I missed Haiku Tuesday...Never fear. I am King of this Blog so I can proclaim that today is "Haiku Tuesday on Wednesday Night!" Wow! What festivities! Balloons, garlands, confetti, and everybody gets an extra piece of cake! Hoopla!

Here you go...


#115.
From where I'm sitting
the raindrops are erupting
from the mud puddles.

#201.
High above the land,
echoing through the grey clouds,
geese are traveling.

#216.
If I were insane
I would never really know
unless they told me.



Johnnyboy

The best Thanksgiving ever!

I must say that this past week was truly wonderful. It ranks as one of the best Thanksgivings that I have ever experienced. I owe a great deal of thanks to all those who were there and helped in the festivities.

My sister and BiL are great folks. They both have wonderful senses of humor and are so willing and able to either help out or just sit around and be humans. By this I mean that throughout the entire week no one had to try to be nice and fun. We just were. There were no strange schedules to work out or dietary needs to cater to. No one wore their "I am Special, pay attention to Me" hats, and why should they? We were all adults and had a wonderful adult time.

My mother, sister, and me worked out some family business dealings which had the potential to become incredibly complicated. When the day comes to address this situation between my 2 sisters and myself, I am praying that we can all act like adults and not disagree too much about the definition of fairness and equanimity. I think it will all work out as planned.

The food came out great as well. Although my turkey calculations were off by about 30 minutes, we were able to swing the side dishes together and we sat down to eat at 5:30PM which was perfect. By 8PM our dinner guest Heather had departed and we cleaned up almost the entire kitchen before we all went to bed.

The next day my sister and BiL left. There were a few tears, but they were tears of happiness. It's so wonderful to have a sister that I can speak with honestly and as an adult who actually knows me. We have always been great friends and in the past 3 or 4 years have become even closer. Since this is an anonymous posting, no one will know who she is, so I can safely say that she has been in recovery for alcoholism for over 7 years and it really shows. There is an element of serenity and rationality in her life that I am achieving as well, but it takes work. It also takes the ability to remain accountable for our own actions and cease playing the role of victim.

By playing that role I was able to blame so many people, family members included, for my problems. I was able to point to events in my past and throw the blame on others. This got me nowhere in life. By holding on to those events and keeping them in my bag of tricks I was able to take them out at any time and mold them to suit my current needs. I alienated my family from my life. Memories are easily shaped to justify our anger and fear. Who knows what really happened after so many years?

If I was feeling unappreciated I could blame daddy for not loving me, or mommy for loving me too much, or the wrong way.

I could pretend that my daddy deserted me, when really he was trying to support his family by working at the only job he knew how to do. It was unfortunate that this took him away from me, but he has always loved me. He has always wanted me to be happy.

To fault him for being human is shameful. It is a curse which denies me his love and companionship. If I follow that line of thinking I must fault all humanity for its weaknesses. Blaming the world is a sign of insanity. Assuming responsibility for my life is the direction I must go.

I am doing this today.

I sometimes get the feeling that some people would rather have me drunk and insane. I was certainly predictable. I would believe anyone, agree with anything, and go along with any scheme or plan devised.

I am no longer a victim.



Johnnyboy

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Well the day is shaping up nicely. The key to a succesful Thanksgiving dinner is timing and schedules. Jockeying for oven space, assigning tasks to particular indivuduals, etc...all play an important part. I'll post tomorrow and tell you all how it went.

Very Thankful,
Johnnyboy

Here are the haiku...

It's raining, sleeting, snowing...a wintry mix in the classic genre. I went to a great meeting at noon and then to the local food store to return some Brussel sprouts. We had accidentally doubled up on our lists...No worries.

If I don't post before the Big Day...Happy Thanksgiving to all!


Here are the haiku...

#98.
Rain sounds like popcorn
popping against my window.
Suddenly it stops.

#134.
It sounds like hard rain
beating down in that soft way
that soaks everything.

#160.
Windswept and aching,
sightless windows stare blindly
at winters prairie.


Johnnyboy

Rain, November, Tuesday...Haiku later...

Just a quick note before I turn in for the night.

My sister and brother-in-law arrived earlier this evening, in time for meatloaf, green beans, and boiled potatoes. It's great to see both of them. They mean a lot to me, beyond family ties, and I am always eager to grow closer to them. They both lead very busy lives, so getting together with them can be difficult, but we manage to do so every 2 or 3 months. I also keep in very close contact via email and the phone. I respect them both immensely, and their little dog, too.

He's a Westy, named Henry, and he's 15 years old. He's completely deaf, and has all the ailments with which old dogs live, but he's bright and energetic and a part of life. Sweetie Pie, on the other hand, isn't too hot on him. Actually she tolerates him and keeps her distance when he comes to visit. We do have to move her food upstairs, though, or else Henry will eat it and not let her have any. In their way they are both very territorial.

This will be a busy Thanksgiving. Mom made dinner tonight, my sister is cooking tomorrow, and we are going out to eat on Wednesday, before I have to go to my meeting. Then on Thursday we all pitch in and do up Thanksgiving dinner. I've made the cranberry sauce already, and will be taking care of the turkey, gravy, and a baked apple crisp. My sister is making pumpkin pie and stuffing. That leaves my BiL to make the Brussel sprouts and chestnuts, mashed potatoes, and corn pudding. He's a very able cook so I'm not worried.
Dinner's at six.

Here's my cranberry sauce recipe...

1 12 oz. bag of fresh cranberries
1 cup of golden raisins
1 cup of sugar
1 cup of apple cider
2 cloves
1 small cinnamon stick
2 slices of orange peel

Mix all the ingredients, except for the cranberries and raisins, in a non-reactive pot (stainless or whatever, NO ALUMINUM!!!). Bring to a simmer until all the sugar melts. Add the berries and raisins, bring back to a simmer and cook on low until all the berries pop and start to cook down. At this point it's done, so you can take it off to cool. If you want to keep cooking it, it will just be really thick when it sets up, a la jelly. It's best to make this 2 days ahead of time and keep covered in the fridge.

I'll post the haiku later today....


Johnnyboy

Plans, holidays, classes, family...Time?

I just received a call from my father. I'm going to meet him and his wife in The Big City on December 20th and stay the night. It will be great to see him, and talk about all kinds of things. I truly love the guy and respect him for a great many reasons. He tried the best to be a father to me and my siblings, and, although there are arguments to this fact, everything he did was for us. Like I say, there are arguments: calls of 'desertion' and other misdemeanors are not my problem anymore. I used to listen to those voices, too. They told me I was better than him, that I was special, that I could judge others, that I had that power. These were very arrogant and prideful feelings that led down a path of pain and isolation from my father. True, he left our extremely rural life to live in a more connected and vibrant world, where he could be in the thick of his art and work. True, he only showed up on holidays and assumed the role, a role I believe he found increasingly uncomfortable. But the great thing is that I overcame my angers towards my father. It's not a matter of letting-bygones-be-bygones, because even though I have forgiven him for his humanity, I have also recognized where I have strayed, done wrong, and hurt him. This is what adults do on a daily basis, I believe: take responsibility for their own actions and not point fingers at others to justify their own anger and fear.

Today my father is a very well respected and learned writer, who, even if he has sacrificed much in the realm of family, has not sarificed his integrity as a human being and an artist. My relationship with him is one of love and friendship, despite the sometimes rocky path. So this holiday season I am happy to visit with him as a friend, a son, and a man.

College is still going amazingly well. I am making straight 'A's in my research paper class and I am well ahead of the game in my philosophy studies. In terms of homework, though, the semesters end draws near and my work has increased slightly. I have 2 small papers due for the writing class by November 30th and my final paper due for philosophy by the middle of December. Like I said, I am ahead of the game in philosophy. I am going to try not to rest on my laurels, however, and start my this weekend. With the holiday next week and the family getting together, my time will be occupied by another, more gustatorial, agenda. I also signed up for classes next semester and have increased my workload somewhat. I will be taking 12 credits instead of 8, which makes me a full-time student. I'll be continuing my private philosophy tutorial with my faculty mentor as well as his seminar on Indian Cultures of Middle America. My third class will be Cultural Diversity through Literature. This sounds very interesting, having to do with the new writings by 'new' Americans, i.e. Amer-Asian, Amer-Indian, Amer-Middle Eastern, etc...So, lots of reading, writing, and trips north to school. My schedule will shift again, but I am fluid in my thinking and life these days, so I can do it.

My AA meetings will also shift. I know the old phrase of 'keeping the program first' and I am still recognizing this necessity. My school schedule will change, and so will my meeting schedule to insure my requisite 6 meetings a week. All will be well. I am learning how to bend with the wind a little.

And before you know it, May will have arrived and I'll be on my way to Greece for a month of traveling, exploration, a jamming AA convention on the Peloponnese, and then back home. I'm hoping to work my school schedule so I can still take classes and be on the road. I'll mail in my homework via email from my laptop and be back for the remaining 2 months of summer semester. It all sounds good on paper, but I'll wait and see. Plenty of time to do these things. I still have the first semester to get through!




Johnnyboy

Tired? Too tired to sleep...

My mind is going a thousand miles an hour. This is some of the crap that's floating around in it:

Thomas Aquinas
St. Augustine
mousetraps
AA meetings I don't like*
Car repair bills
8th Step
9th Step
can'tsleepcan'tsleepcan'tsleep


*The meetings in a nearby town are getting me down. There seems to be a clique existing. I get a bad vibe from the place. I have given this meeting a lot of effort. It's not my homegroup, but I get a feeling that there is a real resentment against my being there. It's not everyone, just, like I said, a small clique of overly macho guys with some chips on their shoulders. It's my fault that I am renting space to them in my head. I have a feeling that people are spreading rumors about my time in jail. Why can't I just turn it over and let it go? Someone suggested a while back (6 months or more) that I should just not go to those meetings. So, you see, this is not a new development. Perhaps that's what I'll do. I'll find other meetings. But is this right? It's just 3 or 4 guys, not the whole group.

I am really messed up about this crap.


Johnnyboy

A week? Oy! What a week it's been...

Sorry for the missed days, and all of that jazz. I won't promise it will never happen again. I suppose my schedule just became overwhelmed with too many things that kept me away from the mindset that perhaps I should write a blog entry or two...(breathing)...

Since last Tuesday I've had plenty to do. I wrote 3 papers for school and finished my text reading for my Philosophy class. I've been driving some newly sober guys around to meetings, which can be tiring. I've been sleeping late (9am) and staying up watching movies and...ahhm...engaging in my new addiction. It's not drugs, not alcohol, nor is it porn or anything like that.

It's worse...

It's EBay.

I have discovered that Ebay is swarming with people selling model airplane kits. To top it off, they are great kits that have been discontinued for 20 or 30 years and are selling for pennies.

Alright, dollars, but still very cheap, and cheaper than going to a store or ordering them on-line from Poland, the Ukraine, the Czech Republic, or Pennsylvania. I have cornered the market in Revell Sopwith Triplanes, discontinued sometime in the 1970's. I now own 3 kits, with 2 more on the way. I missed out on one that went to high, however. I figured I wouldn't be too greedy and let someone else have some fun.

I met with my sponsor today and had lunch and talked about Step 8 for a while and then he showed me his other office, as opposed to the one in The Big City and the one In Our Nation's Capitol. Very fun. Then I drove to Staples and bought some printer ink, and then to my shrinks for some more NeuroCybernetics. Yahoo!

So I'm staying in, on this gray, drizzly, evening, because tomorrow is another crazy day-in-the-life of Johnnyboy.

Here are the haiku...


#183.
Mostly cloudy skies,
a chance of rain overnight,
gradually clearing.

#195.
Spinning wheels turning
interlocking clockwork gears
steel springs unwinding.

#213.
Softening blue light,
a cool, damp, forehead compress
calms frantic spinning.



Johnnyboy

Busy Tuesday, voting, haiku...

I've been driving a bunch of guys around to meetings recently. I find that this is the kind of tangible service that I find spiritually fulfilling and socially enjoyable. There's nothing more funny than a carload of sober drunks driving around the woods of my rural state en route to an AA meeting. The things that come out of our mouths can be pretty surprising, but there is great healing as well. The serious talk is off set by the craziness of the world around us and our unique views through the car windows of life. It definitely keeps me sober.

I'm the new Literature Guy for a group near where I live. I was given a $300 budget for my book order and came in under by about $30, so I'm happy. By next week the group will have 15 new big books plus some 12/12, Daily Reflections, and As Bill Sees It. For those of you not in the loop, those are popular and well regarded AA books, essential to my, and countless others', sobriety.

I traveled to The Big City today with mom to visit her lawyer and take care of some family business. When we were done we had about 1 1/2 hours to spare before the train back home, so we had a nice walk through the park. At first she seemed hesitant to go, but once we were there it turned out great. We walked into the quiet of the pathways and trees out of the noise and traffic of a city in a constant state of movement and action. It makes me think of the inside of a bees nest. There is always something happening in The Big City. In the park there was reflection and people moving at many different speeds: running, walking, strolling, sitting, sleeping. Mom thanked me on the cabride back to The Big City Train Station. I felt connected at that moment. This was something that we had never done together. We didn't rush the time. I would have never done that when drinking. Never. So much has changed.

On the way home we stopped at the polls and voted in the local elections. One must partake in one's civic duty, if one wants to be able to bitch about how much the system is going down the tubes...

Being Tuesday, here are the haiku, on time, for a change...

#137.
Rising and falling
advancing and receding
natural movements.

#157.
I prefer mornings
with its fresh news: life and death
going on outside.

#170.
I can see the barn,
across the winter meadow,
from the road's shoulder.



Johnnyboy

Thanksgiving, memories, ...deja vu!

...And I'm currently deja vu-ing away. This is so strange. I swear that I already named a post "Thanksgiving, memories,..." Very odd. I like the experience of Deja vu, of course, but it makes me a little creeped out in some ways. Does this mean that the future cannot be changed, or that our minds are just having a little hiccup or something? Are there people who do not know the feeling of Deja vu?

I had a long talk with my father today. I'm going to meet him in the City next month for a couple of days and bop around with he and his wife, Kathleen. She's very nice and we get along pretty well. There was never any idea of a 'stepmother' role as they were married when I was in my 20s and too mature (right!) for another mother. But it was a good chat today and we spoke about old friends and typical family stuff. I confirmed the date of his last visit to my sister up north (10 years ago), so if I ever have to trot out that piece of info, I can. I have a feeling I'll need it on Thanksgiving, when family stuff will come up.

It feels very good to be challenging the old illnesses in my life. Taking responsibility for my own existence and trying to make something of the foundation that I have built over the past 4 years is a lot of work, but to deny my past would be to lie about the present and defraud the future. That's why if I have a problem with someone, I have found it's best to go straight to them instead of someone else, and complain. I'm trying to grow up here, for Christ's sake. I am extremely grateful that I have a loving and mature relationship with my father, my sister, and my mother. I'm even beginning to reach out a little more to cousins and not-so-distant relatives. I am accumulating a long list of friends worldwide and near at home who know all about me, even my "secrets". They understand that the only shame that's real is the shame from not reaching out and asking for help, being a friend, and accepting your part in all circumstances. No one is innocent. There are no angels. We have all hurt others as we think that they have hurt us. To run away and hide is not the way to break the cycle. I tried that for years. Confront your fear. Look into the abyss. What are you afraid of?


I ordered the turkey and oysters for Thanksgiving. There will be 6 of us for dinner: My mother, myself, my sister from the city and her husband, an old friend of ours up the road, and a friend of my mothers. It should be a good crowd.

I always worry about oven space. The food will be classic T'giving fare--nothing too off the wall. No need to challenge anyone on a day of rest and relaxation.

I'm currently watching "The Prisoner" on DVD. Very cool and surreal 1960's pop spy TV. There are definitely some Dali-esque elements in some of the indoor stage sets, and the whole feeling is of swinging London a la Rene Magritte.





Johnnyboy

School, reality, etc...

I'm still doing very well in school. Chalk up three more 'A's from my research writing class for a good indication of that. In return we were given a pretty big pile of homework for the next 2 weeks. I have to start writing my paper on "Harriet Miers: The Right Choice" (more about that in a minute...) and a 3 page article summary, plus a hefty amount of reading. On top of that I need to finish up my philosophy reading (100 pgs) and start writing a 10 pager for that class. So I'll be busy, and the month will fly by.

The Harriet Miers thing is kind of funny. I chose the idea based on the philosophy that going against my current thoughts will make me work harder to truly understand the subject. So I am taking a pro-Harriet Miers stance. Now, some of you may think that this point is now moot. In some respects, yes, but not my angle. All I am trying to prove is that Shrub used the best information he had at the time to make the best decision he could have made, and she was it. It's actually very interesting to log on to the conservative websites, newsites, and so on, and read their spin on the deal. There isn't a whole lot of reliable reporting out there to support my stance, but it exists. I'm staying away from the bloggers, as a rule. Personal opinions are not what I'm looking for.

If you want to see a lame blog, go to Dennis Hastert's Blog. I'm not going to link it, so just google and go. It really sucks. Boring, idiotic, and he doesn't get what a blog is for. He's a narrow-minded creep anyway, IMHO.

I'm finally sleeping well. My Neurocybernetic therapy is working. My therapist will be happy. I know it sound like science fiction, but it's not. It's just a way to retrain your high Beta, Alpha, and Theta waves to not have you on point every waking hour of the day, so when you do fall asleep, you sleep. A couple of weeks ago I was waking up in a panic every hour or so. Now I sleep through the night. This sleeping is but one symptom of my PTSD from being in jail. There are others, like panic at seeing people in uniforms, loud clanging noises, etc...

I have a feeling that family members are reading this blog in an attempt to keep up with my daily goings-on. It feels kind of like they are spying on me. Isn't that strange? I mean, I don't care if anyone reads this rant, but it is so odd to know that people are making up their minds about seriously personal issues based on an assemblage of meandering thoughts. It's as if the are playing a game of "secret notes", one clue leading to another in hope of finally being led to the cookie jar.

Hmmm...secret notes...

secrets suck



Johnnyboy

Haiku Tuesday...And more!

Well, today I'll make up for last weeks missed entry by posting two times the amount of haiku--that being six--as a way to make up for the lack thereof.

But first, the news...

My last posted blog drew a very angry response from my sister. This was not uncalled for as I did not use restraint of pen when posting my emotional feelings about a family issue. I should have used more discretion, but I didn't. I am more than willing to accept responsibility for my actions, as I have in the past. I do so now and will continue to do so in the future. I hold no anger or hatred for anyone in my family. I overcame my anger towards my father years ago by having an honest dialog with him. I called him to task, and he did the same with me. Once the air was cleared we found that we were friends and that friendship has grown over the years. Today we speak to each other as men, not so much father and son. This is a much better relationship. It is based on truth, rationality, love, and respect. I no longer hold any resentments towards him. What a relief!

I have been told to not write about my family in this blog. This I cannot honor. Some may disagree, and that's OK. The fact is that there are no names mentioned and no specific places beyond states or countries. Even my own moniker is a misnomer. My name is "John", but no one calls me "Johnnyboy", and last I checked the name "John" was high on the list of commonality. There are a lot of us out there. This blog is anonymous.

I am not airing anyone's dirty laundry but my own. These thoughts that I write are my own. They are my feelings. They are my experiences in my life. I will write about whomever I choose to write about.

Here are the haiku...

13.
Wonderful dreams here
but disappointing wakings.
I'm still in my cell.

22.
The water is clear
stones patient in the streambed
the brook burbles on.

45.
Early morning light,
then the afternoon sun:
moments of the day.

54.
They kill people here.
Slowly, the soul is ground down
to a fine, pale, dust.

67.
Leaning heavily,
being pushed by the north wind:
silver birch saplings.

72.
The golden birch wood
shines brighter and seems more calm.
The world vanishes.




Johnnyboy