The results of paranoia...

I didn't exactly sweat through the night, nor did I go to work dreading the inevitable, which is a good thing, because nothing happened. The final analysis?

I am paranoid. My fragile ego still thinks that people are talking about me, scheming, planning, behind my back. I had this vision of me locked in a room and being told that I cannot come out until I accept Holy Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, blah, blah, blah...What rubbish!

Nothing happened--except that I helped to load 26 huge garbage bags full of donated clothes into a storage room and then spent the next hour downloading pictures to my co-workers computer. That was it.

On another note, I have decided to sell my little PC laptop and buy a Mac to replace it. This unit will stay off the Internet and be used strictly for movie, music, and photo work. The one I am looking at is this one. I will be able to run all my old Windows software like Word and so forth, plus it will work better with my new PhotoShop CS3 setup. There is also a program called Aperture 2 that looks nice. Also...I get a discount since I am buying it as a student, which is good because it is very expensive.

Tonight is my penultimate AA meeting here in Međugorje; I have purchased my bus ticket for Saturday; All I need to do is pack my bags and...

Leave.

Johnnyboy

Counting down...

In five days I will be out of Bosnia, gone from Međugorje, and in Split, Croatia. Simple joy cannot express the feeling. Although i have met and worked with some remarkable people here, most have been illustrative of...whatever. I have spoken enough of them already.

The other day I was on a bus heading into the center of the country. The thought suddenly crossed my mind, ''what am I doing here in Bosnia?'' It was as if I had realized I had awoken from a weird dream. I mean, really...Bosnia? Of course, I am volunteering, etc...but it reaffirmed the fact that I have been here too long, seen too much to be instructive, and so forth. I have grown to loathe this country in many ways. What I love about it is very superficial.

If I never see another bullet-ridden shell of a blown-up building, another nationalistic graffiti strewn concrete wall, or another banner-toting reactionary, it will be too long.

Today I work with my good friend Janet again, and tomorrow afternoon as well. Then it is a final three days of laundry, packing, a bus ticket purchase, and 'do veđenja Bosna', maybe forever.

I am actually growing paranoid about some of the people here. There are too many holy-rollers, theocratic flag-wavers, and narrow-minded sycophants for my taste.


Johnnyboy

Let sleeping dogs...go back to sleep.

After the incident on Sunday night, I was concerned about sabotage, fallout, or whatever. Honestly, I was nervous about sticking my head out the door. But I threw caution to the wind and headed out into the world.

So far, so good. This puts in sharp relief the tendency I still have to blow things out of proportion. I also tend to let others live rent free in my head...still! I guess in most cases this would not happen, but here in Međugorje it did. I have decided to not bother anyone else with the issue, and certainly not bring the topic up again. Henceforth, I will refer to it as 'the topic'.

I ended up talking to another AA about it, though. This fellow knows something about being controversial in this place and as a Roman Catholic, seeing as he is gay. He's a really nice guy and talked me down from my fear and reminded me that anywhere else I might have been able to have a civil discussion about 'the topic' but not here in the heart of fundamentalism. He reminded me to keep my business close to my chest as well, seeing as this is a small town and people are really bored. Therefore, one's own business is very interesting to them.

Today has been a cloudy and cold day, with frequent high winds. Not much of a summer scene, but it will change. I had nothing to do today so I read, had lunch, napped, had some coffee, and now I am here updating. Tomorrow bodes more of the same, but the sun is supposed to return in the afternoon. Friday I head off early for a blissful and anonymous weekend alone in central Bosnia to the small town of Jajce (Yay-yets-say). I return on Sunday evening. Monday through Wednesday are pretty busy and then just two days until I leave this one-god-town.

Not a moment too soon...Go back to sleep now doggy. Good dog.

Johnnyboy

Fundamental rights of the individual...

Last night I became embroiled in a heated ''discussion''. It started off with a a brief outline of the recent Treaty of Lisbon with an Irish couple and the next thing I knew I defending Roe vs Wade while they started preaching at me - at me.

The upshot is that I had believe in god or else. My ''rational mind is blocking the Spirit of God from entering me.'' To be honest that sounds a bit invasive... I was willing to respect their right to believe in what they wished to believe in, yet they were unable to let me have my own beliefs in return.

This is yet another glaring difference between the system in Europe and United States. It makes me understand even more fully why my ancestors left the European continent (Ireland, Scotland, and Germany) in search of a different life. After realizing that the discussion had disintegrated completely and there was no debate anymore, and I was being preached at, I said, ''Excuse me, I do not appreciate being preached at, so this is where I say 'good night'.'' I left the table.

The jist of their rationale is that it is alright for the government to tell women what to do with their bodies--in this case. So where does it end...? What will they allow their government to do next? Will they allow their government to tell them how to worship? How about peaceful assembly? How about the right to vote? What about free speech? It sounds to me as if these two extremely devout, fundamentalist, Vatican II, Roman Catholics would fit right in in a totalitarian or fascist system. Let the government tell you when, and how, to take a dump. I was so shaken up by this 'conversation' that it took three phone calls and another three hours before I fell asleep.

This is what I dreamed...

I was on a religious retreat as an exploration of faith. We were in the woods around a long wooden table, very roughly hewn. There were about five of us...all dressed in robes, not unlike monk's habits. Dinner was thin soup, salad on wooden plates, and white wine followed by small jiggers of fiery brandy. I drank the wine and brandy...I had a drunk dream, and awful one. I tried in vain to contact anyone via text-messaging and finally reached my sponsor, telling him that these people were crazy and I had to get out. He told me that all was well and that I did not have to believe what they believed. I was planning my escape from the group when it was announced that the retreat was over and we would all be driven home. On the bus back home I commented to some other attendees that this way was not for me, and perhaps not for everyone. They agreed, the sun came out, and all was well. End of dream.

What a relief! My right to believe what I wish to believe is safe from the dogmatic and draconian Old World. I do not have to agree with what anyone else believes either, merely respect their right to belief. That is a fundamental right that all human beings must have. It is the foundation upon which all others are built.

I have used way too many italicized words in this post.

Sorry to sound preachy.

I'll have more to report on this, I imagine.

Johnnyboy

Photo updates, and more...

I have updated the current trip photos to include several that I took yesterday. I think they are an accurate commentary on Međugorje, from the banal to the sublime. One is picture of the ceiling in my flat, as seen when lying on my bed. I thought is was an interesting play of light, shadow, and architecture.

I will be at home, in my house, in Somewheresville, Anywhere County, on August 6th. So I leave here in about 2 1/2 weeks and then 4 days in Budapest. I am hoping to get some good pictures there, especially in the Statue Park Museum outside the city. It is a big open space where the government has sent all the old Stalinist and other communist monoliths that used to pervade the area. It is open to the public. I am hoping for partly cloudy conditions to add to the dynamic.

This weekend is the second, and probably last, AA meeting in Mostar. Since I covered this pretty well in a previous post, I won't belabor you all with the political details. I will post an update on the outcome.

Next weekend I have reservations in a small hotel in the town of Jajce (Yai-yeets-say), which was one of Tito's favorite haunts. It is situated at the meeting of two rivers, and there is a real, honest-to-god waterfall in the town square.

During the war Jajce was the site of heavy fighting, changing hands several times between the three armies. The Bosnian Serbs and Bosnian Croats blew it up, including the Turkish style home. Eventually the Bosnian Croats captured it and kept it. Now it is mostly Bosnian Serb, with a large Bosnian Croat minority and a smaller Bosniak population. It used to be almost all Bosniak. I have heard UNESCO is preparing to step in and take charge, which would mean a re-building of all the old structures, like they did in Počitelj. So I will stay there for two nights and come back. I leave Međugorje the following Saturday morning at 7:30 for Split, Croatia, and then Budapest the day after. All my hotels are booked, as are the flights. All I have to do is show up.

It's interesting to note that the closer I am to leaving the faster the time goes, like water down the drain...


Johnnyboy

Making a pledge...

"Photography is 50% photographer, 40% light, and 10% equipment."

The above quote is from a ubiquitous photography website. I do not know who said it, but I like it. It reminds me of the ''90% perspiration and 10% inspiration'' quote.

I am looking forward to going home. I miss my friends, family, and honestly, despite the current economic situation, and all things being relative, I am missing the abundance and ease of the United States. As the numbers show, we are still the biggest with the most. I do not mean to offend anyone with this statement, but it is true. We are also the most tolerant, most devoted to personal freedom, and most likely to continue on that path. Other countries may be equally forward thinking on some fronts, but they tend to suffer on others. In the US we can be easily led as well. But I think the people of the US is still on a committed path of change and growth.

Many countries assume freedom and liberty will be granted to them once the right person is in power, handed out like a bus pass. This rarely happens. In the US our tendency is to fight against the current paradigm in some fashion, whatever it is. Disagreeing is not a crime even though some government people would like to make it so. A couple hundred million people will fight that idea--and they vote (when they feel like it).

So my pledge has nothing to do with the above anthro-political statement. It has to do with my decision to take fewer but better pictures; to try to capture the human moment on film.

That's it.

Mostar AA meeting update...

Well...I was right. Nada, from The Klub, sabotaged the meeting by telling the director of the Social Services Center that since it was too hot, July, etc...That the meeting would not be held. This means, of course, that she thinks that she is organizing the meeting. Bullshit.

A couple of phone calls later and we had arranged for someone the open the gates and the door, which were padlocked and barricaded. I mean really padlocked and barricaded. So Janet and I, with the two interpreters went in and held the meeting. Four other people showed up--a family, actually. The husband is an Irishman who is in the program and who I knew was coming. His Croatian wife, her elderly mother, and her brother were in tow. The brother had been in a 'therapeutic community' for drug addiction and had dropped out after 18 months. For this he is now ostracized by the 'therapeutic community' and is not allowed to contact them, or return. The mother is dealing with an angry drunk of a husband at home, and the daughter just wants someone else to deal with the problems. These three were the focus of our qualifications.

I was shocked to discover that this young fellow was being shunned by those seeking treatment or offering it. I was not shocked, however, by the realization that the whole family is under the impression that they can be 'cured' and can be happy without continued support. This is the kind of denial that permeates the 'recovery' field here. Also, that there is someone out there who is going to hand them a panacea of some sort to solve their problems without them getting off their asses and doing anything themselves.

This is one of the horrible realities of the post-Yugoslavian world. They have been duped, lied to, and manipulated by their corrupt leaders and turned into sheep to be driven around the field.
Not all the people here are like that. Those that have been able to leave for a period of time and return are the ones that shake their heads in disbelief, or they take advantage of the weak and prosper financially and politically at their expense.

Anyway, I'll stay sober. After that we all drove to the small town of Stolac (Sto-lats) and visited a wonderful family. The two youngest, Nikola (41) and his sister Treza (43) have Muscular Dystrophy. Their 74 year old mother suffered a major stroke last August and the local 'doctor' told her that she would be dead in two months. She's better than ever. The whole family is doing well and the visit was a very positive and uplifting event for me. We are arranging for their firewood for the winter, which is how they heat their cozy and simple home in the mountains of Herzegovina. They have no money, but they have a lot of faith. They are happy, joyous, and free in their own way.

Just when I think I have lost all hope in these people, my feelings are turned around by such moments.

So screw Nada, The Klub, and their outdated and fearful program. Screw the draconian and deeply flawed 'therapeutic communities' that destroy the self and push those who do not obey out into the cold of addiction and pain. My program of recovery has only one requirement for membership...The desire to stop drinking. Those that leave rehab early are welcome at my meetings with open arms. Because of this I will not drink today.

Johnnyboy

The First AA meeting in Mostar, BiH....

As I stepped out of the shower this morning my mobile rang. It was my fellow AA and co-worker Janet. She said that she'd swing by at 11:30 to pick me up and that the AA meeting in Mostar had already suffered some kind of sabotage. She didn't go into details, but I can guess that Nada and her 'AA Klub' are trying to hijack the meeting that we have arranged. This is to be expected, I think, especially from someone who's power she feels is threatened by the real AA from the West, and not the Cold War version perpetrated in this area.

So I'll update with the facts when I return later this afternoon, but until then, I won't hold my breath. Janet and I will keep the meeting very simple and direct. What we are trying to do today is clarify what AA is, and more important, what it is not. Whether this succeeds or not is up to the Powers that Turn the Big Wheel.

I have been reading a lot...Some great fiction and also some very entertaining pulpy kind of stuff, mostly crime novels by Christopher Brookmyre and also some supernatural thrillers about a modern day wizard named Harry Dresden, both of which have been very relaxing to read in a can't-put-it-down kind of way. I guess the ''Dresden Files'' have been made into a 13-part series on the Sci-Fi Network. I'll add those to my Netflix account today as well.

That's it for now...More to come.

Johnnyboy

Why am I here...If not to ask questions like these?

I was upstairs reading Orham Pamuk's novel 'The Black Book', and began to be distracted by the above thought. Why am I here, in this place, today? Do I travel in order to miss the place I call home or do I leave home merely to find myself at sea with these dilemmas? Am I searching for something that I believe is in one of life's little dark corners and then come to find that, like Poe's 'The Purloined Letter', the answer has been right before me all the time?



Tomorrow I help Janet clean out a storage space so we can fill it with donated goods, then off to help those who need help. These and other simple tasks I can understand, for they serve an immediate and useful purpose, but all this traveling about...What am I looking for? Have I lost sight of some objective that I may have had many years ago or am I so deep within the answer that I cannot see the forest for the trees?



This will keep me awake for the night, I fear.

Slow times, reading, and some travel...

I have become a fixture here at the Irish Center in Međugorje. I don't know if that is a bad thing or not, but there it is. I have a feeling I have become 'that guy that lives upstairs and spends too much time on the internet and never goes to church'. I also travel out of town enough to make them curious, I think. 'Why is he here in Međugorje?', they ask...

I spent half the weekend away, traveling to a small town halfway between here and Sarajevo. The draw is the roast lamb on a spit served by the 10 restaurants that line the road on the outskirts of he village. The only other thing the town is famous for is the noted retreat by Partisan forces from the Nazis in 1943, in which the Partisans destroyed the railroad bridge to prevent the invaders from following in hot pursuit. This is a highly spurious claim and has been the subject of communist Yugoslavian propaganda since the event occurred, but the remains of the bridge hang in memoriam and the small museum stands to commemorate the action of the brave and fearless partisans. The real history is, of course, less than dramatic.

The truth of German occupation in Yugoslavia is less than brutal. During the war Hitler only had four divisions in Yugoslavia, and these were not very experienced, strong, or capable in any way. The Partisans, on the other hand, have always been portrayed as constantly at the throats of their nemeses. The fact is that the Germans sort of pushed the poorly armed and organized communists around the country until 1944-45 and Tito and the Partisans were always one step away from getting caught. Get the picture?

There is a lot of propaganda around here, so I only believe what I read from the reputable sources on the outside, i.e. scholars. One good book is called 'A Short History of Bosnia', by Noel Malcolm. He's an English writer and in his work dispels many myths surrounding the past history of Bosnia including those perpetrated by a small nationalistic minority in the late 1980s and through the wars of the 1990s. Good book.

Anyway...The lamb was good (not great, but good), the museum small and moving, and my hotel indicative of communist lodgings from the 1970s. Clean, neat, with sheets like boiled sandpaper. I have posted some pictures on the Picasa site (follow the Juggler, and then My Public Galleries).

I visit the young man with the club foot tomorrow and will give him the new sneakers I have bought for him. That and the three AA meetings are all that's on the agenda for this week.

I am ready to come home...less than a month! Yay!

Johnnyboy

Daytripping...

So I have some days off. This is due primarily to the heat. No social service offices or doctors are seeing anyone. Too hot, must rest. It is July here in Herzegovina, and that means hot. Rain? Maybe...but it won't cool things down.

Today I took a quick day trip to the small town of Počitelj (Poe-che-tell-ya). It is about 10km from the Croatian border and about 60km from the Montenegrin frontier. It is a prime example of 15th century Turkish architecture and design, lying peacefully along the Neretva River. In 1992, when the war began, a group from the UN arrived there and declared the town safe from harm and undisturbed. No damage, nothing...

Almost a year later (July, 1993, btw), the HVO (Croatian Defense Council) entered the village. First they gathered the 3000 ethnic Muslims (men, women, and children) and shipped them off to a concentration camp. Many died...the number is unknown. After the village was clear, the HVO soldiers blew up the 500 year old mosque, toppling the minaret into the cupola, leveling the baths, and then proceeded to destroy most of the old home that had stood there for many generations. It must be noted that Christians and Muslims had lived side-by-side there for hundreds of years, even sharing a graveyard. The soldiers then stuck a large cross on top of the derelict Turkish fortress. Then they left, their defacing and despoiling finished. As the war progressed, Catholic Bosnian Croats were re-located there from around the country.

In 2000, the UN and its antiquities department, UNESCO, declared the town a World Heritage Spot. A little late, perhaps, but the HVO would never had paid any attention anyway. Since then the mosque has been completely rebuilt and most of the houses as well. The maddrasa that once schooled generations of Muslim students now teaches Catholic children. The Neretva River still flows alongside the village, the constant witness to the devastation and pain that this place has endured.

Enjoy the pictures.

Johnnyboy