Destruction of biblical proportions...

The disaster that was New Orleans has changed the face of the nation, if not the world. As a city of wildly diverse cultural significance, New Orleans was less a part of the U.S. but rather part of the global whole, perhaps one of the first multinational centers the world has known. How many thousands will be among the dead or missing? How many more will die as a result of Hurricane Katrina once complications from disease and injury take hold? I believe that the count will never be fully known.

I remember reading in the New York Times a couple of years ago about how the city of New Orleans was contemplating abandoning the city in the event of another major hurricane. The word 'abandoning' summons up different thoughts and feelings for me. It is not an 'evacuation', where the return of the populace is expected. It is a complete writing off of the city and an establishment of a 'new' New Orleans on higher ground, farther north. This is something that one reads of in The Bible, or some other ancient text. Cities and empires laid waste by nature, swallowed up by the earth or water, never to be seen again.

So what will the new city look like, if built? Please leave your comments and I'll choose the winner next week.

We live in amazing and strange times, but what else is new?

I chose not to go to my homegroup's celebration today. Even though several people I knew, including my sponsor, were celebrating long term sobriety, I suddenly didn't feel comfortable suffering through what I imagined would be a controversial meeting. The person chairing has only about 6 months sobriety and let me know that she planned on using this position as a soapbox to further the cause of a politically correct dualism for AA. I just couldn't be there to see that. Instead I worked on some reading for school (Plato) and had some lunch. I'll hit a meeting tonight where I'll be making the coffee and I know that the program is strong.

I would have liked to have been there for my sponsor, but he and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on this subject of allowing drug addicts to speak about their problems relating to drug addiction in an AA meeting. I don't care what anyone says, heroin is not alcohol is not cocaine is not crystal meth. He and I definitely do not agree with the idea of AA for alcoholics only, etc...but what will come of it I do not know. I do not feel that anything we did at the business meeting was wrong, although it may seem to be willful. I am at a point in my sobriety where succinctness and direction is important.

I've talked about this until I'm blue in the face, and I'm sick of it. Do I need to admit that I've done something wrong? Maybe I should take all the blame, crucify myself for all those self-righteous SOBs who think I've been divisive, and be done with it. That's such an easy way to go...so appealing to my sensibilities.

Nah.
They're not worth it.


Johnnyboy

Rain, oh blessed rain...

Thank god it's finally raining. After a very long dry spell this is a much needed change. Of course New Orleans and the rest of the deep south could do without, but such is life. The latest news reports have the hurricane missing New Orleans for the most part, but 1,000,000 people are without power. Still a grave emergency, but my tomatoes are still enjoying the weather.

I woke up this morning at around 4:30. I think my mothers bedroom light woke me up. I lay awake for about 15 minutes and realized that I was wide awake. I chose to get up quietly and do some work on a new model I'm currently building. By 5AM I was ready to go back to bed, but the rain lulled me so well I ended up sleeping until 9:30. Oh well.

I'm waiting to hear back from my faculty mentor, Charles Fox. He and I have to arrange a time to meet and discuss what I have read and what I need to read in my philosophy textbook. So I'm chained to the office for the next few hours. I can get plenty of work done.

Here are the haiku du jour...

#27.
Blue light of morning
changes darkness to sapphire
and noises wake me.

#43.
On the muddy shore
of springtimes swollen river
a snowy egret.

#65.
The clouds are dripping,
inky, on mossy mountains,
melting the fir trees.



Johnnyboy

I'm not crazy...?

Well it seems I know what to do and when to do it, or,...hmmm...not to do it, perhaps.

The ongoing 'issue' at my regular AA meeting is foaming, but only at the edges. The meeting today was great, and many people stayed on the subject of Step 1. There was one guy, though, who had to bring up the running controversy and detract from the point of the meeting. He is a troublemaker, for sure, but the rooms are full of them, all in varying degrees of sobriety. There are a lot of control freaks, but some of us have learned restraint of tongue and pen. This fellow is set on playing his passive-aggressive little deck of cards and disrupting a perfectly good time. The extension is that always has to be some kind of response from the other side. Unfortunately the chairperson felt that he needed to take sides with one of them, instead of the whole of the group...yaddayaddaya.

Be sure to read Wednesdays entry...There'll be more!

All is well for me, though. I don't need to play those games, and I can say what I mean, when I mean it, but only after I have run the idea past someone else first. I can practice restraint of tongue and pen only because I practice the program of recovery set up by those that came before me, not those sitting to my left or right.

Someday this will end, and I'll be able to write something worth reading.


Johnnyboy

An early entry...

I am awake so I figure I might as well post todays blog. I have a lot on my mind, mostly dealing with fear of the unknown, of the future, and all that stuff. Oddly enough my going back to school is not one of the things of which I'm afraid. That's actually a pretty exciting aspect of my new and sober life. What I fear is returning to my homegroup on Monday for the noon meeting and putting up with the weird comments, stares, and other crap that may exist as fallout from my last appearance. If anyone has been keeping track, I had to use the gavel to actually restore order to a meeting that was veering off on another tangent. Whatever. It's done. This kind of fear is very familiar.

It is the fear of the wreckage of the future, and it is complete bunkum, as far as I'm concerned.

What other people think about me is none of my business.

I was speaking to a friend tonight and she revealed to me that someone else in our little sober world may be sober, but he still has all the unhealthy behaviors. There is a joke that starts, "What do get when you sober up a drunken horsethief?". This is pretty much a rhetorical question, but it applies to this fellow, who we'll call Bert. Bert is shucking and jiving, hitting on the girlfriends of other people, trying to scam people with internet get-rich-quick schemes, and generally just being a slimeball. He is still obviously very sick in the head. He is not working his program to relieve himself of his horse-thievery. Maybe he's not working any program. I don't know, but I'm glad he didn't ask me about the get-rich-quick scheme. I know a thing or 2 about those things, unfortunately. I might have felt compelled to alert the authorities, if only for his own protection. I will not, though. It's not my business. That is a big change from the Old Johnnyboy, who would have suddenly become an expert and braggart on the subject, gotten in too deep, and been thoroughly fleeced.

Sweetie Pie is lying on my couch, sound asleep. The picture up top is where I found her the other day. She was asleep in my bathroom sink. It was pretty hot outside, so I think the sink felt cool. She is too cute, right?

Johnnyboy

What's wrong?

Hiya folks...There seems to be something wrong with my blog. Ever since I activated the Word Verification Thingy the small "comment" icon has disappeared from the screen. My email to Blogspot has gone unanswered except for the usual computerized response based on the fields filled out on the FAQ questionaire.

So, I put it to you...What the hell is going on around here? Help me, I'm stuck in a commentless blogworld!

Johnnyboy

Cups and cakes...

I woke up this morning with the song "Cups and Cakes", by the faux rock band Spinal Tap, running through my head. The line "Cups and Cakes, Cups and Cakes, I'm so full my tummy aches." was the repeating phrase, and although my digestive tract seemed fine, I think that emotionally I am so full of what is going on with my AA homegroup that my spirit feels bloated and in pain. I must let this go, and I am, but it is a slow process. This isn't even the kind of stuff that I tend to bring up at meetings, feeling that it is a private group issue and a controversy anywhere else. I'm all done, mummy, thank you for the tea party.

I will receive the first 2 CDs of season 6 of the X-Files tomorrow from NetFlix. I am interested in this season, because from what I've learned the filming moved to LA from Vancouver at this point in the series. I wonder how the vibe will change. Rumor has it that Duchovny bitched and moaned about the Canadian weather and finally got his way. Rumor, they say. I'll also be receiving the X-Files movie, which I have seen, but I'll watch that first and take it from there.

I'm having shredded chicken BBQ and french fries for dinner...

I now trust Sweetie Pie to roam around outside. Her incision is healed and the experience is most beneficial for her, if only to get over the culture shock of things moving around. The exercise is good for her as well as the honing of her hunting skills. So far butterflies have been her prey, and she has done well.

I'm sure there's more, but I can't think right now.


Johnnyboy

Finding out about myself...

One of my greatest character defects is my desperate need to please people. This, as many of you know, usually causes more problems than not. For much of my life I have been a human waffle. I have had great pride in being able to see both sides, or even all sides, of an issue and agree with everyone. When it came time to choose sides, which at times Ihad to do, I felt as if I would betray my 'friends' and they would hate me for it. I have lived with this flaw for my entire life, but I must now make a stand.

The vote on Friday for my AA homegroup to adopt the Blue Card was greeted with an uproar from many addicts in the room yesterday. A coup d'etat ensued and the vote was stricken down in favor of a group conscience. The group will now vote on this issue at our next business meeting in September. What was once an AA meeting has turned into an Addicts Anonymous meeting where all subjects are considered worthy of discussion. The structure of AA at the noon meeting in Great Barrington is crumbling, taking AAs singleness of purpose with it.
During the discussion afterwards I found myself voting for the vote extension. I felt weak and shameful, having turned my back on the Traditions of AA. I made a vow yesterday afternoon, after confessing this defect to another alcoholic, to stand my ground firmly when it comes to my beliefs, sobriety, and the type of group I wish to call my homegroup.

I trust in the Traditions of AA, namely Traditions 3 and 5 in this case. I also must remain in a place where I feel the core of AA remains strong. This group is beginning to lose their focus. Bill W., our founder and a deeply flawed man himself, reminds us to not follow the path of The Washingtonian Group. This was pre-AA and The Washingtonians had helped sober up about 100,000 drunks. They then felt that since their program worked so well with drunks, why not work with all the problems that confronted mankind. Bill W. realized that the "multipurpose activities" of the group diluted its message and became its downfall, regardless of its good intentions. This is why there is a singleness of purpose about AA, that it is for alcoholics who want to get sober and to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

All of this comes at a time when I will be going back to school and will not find as much flexibility to attend the noon group. At the end of September I will regretfully resign from my GSR and Secretary positions and find another homegroup. My relationship with my sponsor will change as well. Unfortunately he is the spearhead of this new all-inclusive movement. I have learned a great deal from him. One of his lessons has been to stand up for what you believe in, even if people do not agree with how you feel.


On a lighter subject, one of my favorite--The X-Files. It was silly of me to think that Cancerman had been written off of the show. I am just finishing up season 5 and am pleased as punch to watch lots of episodes with Alex Krycek, aliens, the black cancer, Cancerman in a cabin in Canada, and Mulder coming to terms, yet again, with The Truth. I was afraid it would all end up with silly little investigations in the heartland of America.

Here are the haiku---

15.
Ripples running quick
and racing across the lake
pushing leafy boats.

20.
The leaves are clapping,
applauding the cooling breeze:
a sigh of relief.

44.
Smooth, tattered, velvet,
indigo, phosphorescent:
a broken moths wing


Johnnyboy

Busy, busy,busy...?

The past 2 days have been pretty busy here in Somewheresville. As some of you know, mom left for Maine on Thursday, so I have had the run of the joint for a couple of days. She won't be home until Friday so I continue to bang around in this big place, with only Sweetie Pie for company, but that's not all bad. Thankfully I get out of the house and pursue other activities.

At my Friday AA meeting we convened our regular business meeting. Usually there is nothing to talk about, but this time there was talk about how there seemed to be an awful lot of addicts, not alcoholics, coming to the meetings and sharing about their experiences with drugs and drug addiction, not about alcoholism. Whether one considers this a trend, problem, or even an issue doesn't remove the fact that many sober alcoholics are becoming uncomfortable. Fear seems to be the dominating factor in the worries ("What is happening to AA?"), which could lead to a backlash of intolerance. Bad stuff, really. So I nipped this situation in the bud, I think.

We voted to read what is called the 'Blue Card' at the beginning of the meetings. To those of you who don't know, there are 2 sides to the blue card, one which states that "This is an open meeting..." and one which states the opposite. Thankfully all the meetings are open, so we read the 'Open' side. It essentially states that the meeting is open to all, especially newcomers, and that keeping with our singleness of purpose, we ask that you confine your sharing to your problems with alcohol.

This decision will make a fair amount of waves, but such is life. The vote does not kick people out, nor does it keep people from performing service for the group. I hope I have found a middle ground on which we all can stand.

Other news:
Last night I attended a Sobriety Cruise with my friend Lisa. It departed from Albany at 7PM and chugged down the Hudson River for about an hour-and-a-half, and then chugged back. A fun time, really, although there wasn't a whole lot of mingling. People seemed to stick with who they knew. I think that if it had been a longer affair, such as a weekend retreat, folks would have opened up more. The food was OK to poor, but the coffee was good and the company was the best. I didn't get home until around midnight. I watched a movie and crawled into bed around 3AM, happy that there was no pressing need to wake up at any particular time. I fact, I may take a nap this afternoon, just to cement the fact that there is no rush today and that the world will most likely be there when I wake up.

I'm in the middle of season 5 of the X-Files. I must admit the stories seem to be getting somewhat hokey, now that Cancerman is dead. It's as if Satan has been removed from the moral struggle between good and evil, and good still hasn't won. I'm hoping for more and better conspiracy soon. I've seen the movie, so I know I have that to add to the mythology...It is interesting to see the back stories to the lives of Mulder and Scully, though. Scully, although focused on her work, is still very family oriented (Mom, brother Bill, sister-in-law, nephew), wherein whenever we see Mulder he is either sitting in his office doing nothing (and watching what seems to be porn), or sleeping on his couch after watching porn. His relationship with his mother, although loving, seems to be distant. I guess he is obsessed with his job and so he finds little relief or satisfaction outside the office, except, well, you know...porn.



Johnnyboy

Another missed day...

I apologize for seeming to be a lazy blogger, but I missed yesterdays entry...Oh well...

I brought Sweetie Pie to the vet yesterday to be spayed, and to have her nails trimmed. This was all done at a very well respected vet nearby. All went well but the whole day I was worried that something horrible would happen, like they would de-claw her or something. We had a kitten years ago who dies during her 'operation', but that is a rare case. I worried needlessly. I picked her up this morning and brought her home. She licked her scar for a while, but has since stopped doing that. She was pretty cranky when I got her home, but she has settled right back in to her pre-estrus routine of sleeping, eating, and being such a sweetie pie that she has earned her name. She will remain indoors for about a week and I'll keep a watch on the incision for redness or infection.

My mom has gone to Maine for the week, so it is just the 2 of us here.

I had so many relevant things to write about, but suddenly there is nothing...

Oh well, so it goes.

Johnnyboy

Tuesday with yet some more haiku...

I need to find out how to make pictures of my jailhouse art as well. Maybe by next week I can put up the visual stuff as well as my writings. Well, anyway, here are the haiku for today...

#1.
The narrow window
that lets in just enough light
to read your letter.

#8.
A shined steel mirror
throws a wavy reflection
on my waking face.

#9.
Walking to and from
one cold room to another
watched by cameras.


These were early works, obviously, before I started to write more about nature and what I knew to be outside of the walls of the jail in which I was housed.


Johnnyboy

I was right, but there is no need to panic...

I've had a full day of 'Taking care of Johnnyboys medical needs'. My teeth cleaning went very well, if a little like having a sandblaster in my mouth. I need to floss. Time to start. I can do it, I know I can.

My MD appointment went as planned--I've lost 5 lbs. since my visit in May (!), and my BP was 140/84, pulse was 92. The doc confirmed my own web-diagnosis. He thinks that I may have a clogged up salivary gland. I now have some anti-biotics that I have to take for the next week. If nothing changes, I am to call an E(ar), N(ose), and T(hroat) guy over in Sharon and have a test or two...But, he is pretty sure that this is what is wrong with me. Simple problem, easy cure.

I asked him about the worst case scenario. His response was, "What, you want me to tell you you have cancer? You don't have cancer. This is a minor infection, that's all. Go home and take your medicine.".

Why did I need something dire with which to hold on? To make me feel special? In the end I have nothing to worry about. All my tests in the past 7 months have proven that, aside from needing to lose 15 lbs. and use dental floss, I have a very healthy body.

I have been neglecting some of my cherished activities lately.

1. I need to build another model airplane
2. I need to play my guitar with more enthusiasm
and finish a song or 2.
3. I need to read some more of my philosophy text
before school begins in September.

I can do all these things, budget my time, set aside parts of the day, I can do it, I know I can.
I just cannot forget to floss!

Johnnyboy

Meeting and speaking...

When I arrived at my Sunday night meeting the doors were locked in the church. The 2 or 3 of us who were there early picked up the ball and decided to meet in the small room beneath the Parsonage. So we found a room, someone found a coffee pot, and the meeting happened. Our speaker didn't show, so a volunteer was asked for. A long silence was answered "OK, I'll do it...", by me. So I spoke, which was really good. It went down well, and I have remained sober for another day, which is a miracle and a blessing in itself.

I think that I have an infection in my neck. One of the salivary glands underneath my jaw seems to be swollen, and it hurts slightly after I have eaten. I have self-diagnosed via the internet, but thankfully I am not so grandiose as to believe an amateur (me) opinion. I will make an appointment with my MD and see what he thinks. I hate this, I really do. All my worst fears are coming to the surface regarding this uncertain future.

Sweetie Pie is still in heat, although it seems to be less intense than it was 2 days ago. Dr. Hart will take care of that on Wednesday, thank god. The poor dear is in a kind of agony that I can only witness through hearing her yowl and watching her writhe on the ground. She goes for about an hour or so, then collapses in exhaustion and sleeps soundly for a spell. Then she starts up again.

I will take this life one day at a time, and hope and pray that all comes out well in the end.


Johnnyboy

Reading, building, playing, writing...

If I had been born in during The Renaissance I would have been considered a great mind. This, of course, is all grandiose thinking, but there are some factors to explain my logic.

1. I read a great deal of 'stuff', be it fiction, poetry, nonfiction, history, etc...In preparing for travel I study up on geography and language.

2. I love to build intricate and detailed models of things and design my own flying aircraft.

3. I write and play my own music. Some people have said that it's actually pretty good to excellent.

4. I write poetry and keep a sporadic journal.

5. I strive to learn new disciplines, hence my reason for going back to school.

6. If I put my mind to it, I can paint a picture or draw something artistic. I know this because I took an art class for a year and a half while I was in jail. Maybe I'll put up some of my work someday. Unfortunately I cannot draw a perfect circle to save my life.

These parts of my personality all point to one conclusion...

I am the reincarnation of Leonardo da Vinci.

...yeah, right!

Now it's time for X-files. I think that I goof-off better than da Vinci, that's for sure!


Johnnyboy

Society says...

I am so grateful that, despite all the craziness of the last week, I have not wanted to take a drink or other substance into my body. Amazing, considering that in the past my best thinking would have led me to those places. I think that I'm improving a bit.

I have this strange feeling that society demands certain things from me.

1. In order to be 'a man' I need to be a breadwinner of some sort.
2. Success is based on how much bread I win
3. I am currently not earning any bread, therefore...

You see the dilemma. A large part of mind/psyche/whatever knows that this is all stuff and nonsense. I do not believe that success is a product of financial gain. I do not believe that financial success gives way to security, rather it demands that more money be accrued to feed the bottomless pit. Success is something much more personal and a more complex concept than simply a stuffed wallet. I see this all around me, so I know that it's true. I fall into depths of disbelief and forget these things, and then I panic. If I can sit quietly for a minute I see the truth, and I am reassured of my own success, which for me is a daily act of humility. If I can make it through the day without being a jerk and learning something in the process, I can say that I have had a successful day. I'm workin' it right now. Seems to be going just dandy.

Sweetie Pie, on the other hand, is one horny minx. She has gone into heat. She yowls around the house, crawling on her belly with her butt in the air, ready for whatever Tomcat happens along. What a slut! This will all change on Wednesday, when she goes to the vet to be spayed. She is fitting right in here, though, and, as I write this entry, is curled up, asleep, on my couch.


Johnnyboy

Feeling crazy and not at all well...

I fooled myself into thinking that I could skip some meetings this week. I went 3 whole days without and was suffering the consequences until a few hours ago. I went to a meeting and really spilled my guts about how crazy I felt and how off-the-beam I was acting. Paranoid, self-pitying, depressed--all that crap.

I be better now, thank you.

I think I fooled myself into thinking that since I was alone, without the influence of active alcoholics in the house for a few days, that I could rest on my laurels. My goofing off almost backfired this time. I started feeling a little too willful and self-sufficient, believing that I was in control of things.

I was really scared.


I feel better. I ran into a friend at the gas station and he told me that Mercury was in retrograde and that it would be a tough time for me this week. He also felt that I should not have backed off on my attendance at meetings. He was right, but the experiment is over.

I have learned:
1. I need a meeting every day
2. I cannot take my sobriety for granted
3. I need a meeting every day.

I think I'm back in the moment, finally.


Johnnyboy

Just a quick note...

Sweetie Pie is drinking water, I just had a great talk with my sister about all kinds of things, both she and my mother arrived safely from their trip. In short, all's well that ends well.

Except...

On TV I saw Bush speak to a bunch of employees at a Caterpillar factory in Indiana or somewhere like it. Before he began to speak, he rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. I don't know why, maybe it was hot. I seem to remember that Juan Peron used that same tactic to endear himself to the workers of Argentina, as in "By rolling up my sleeves, I prove that I am not a bureaucrat. but rather a common man of the soil, ready to break an honest sweat."

What a load of crap.

Johnnyboy

Much ado about nothing...

It seems that my ability to form mountains from molehills still exists. My trip to the dentist was a great experience. What I thought was a dire emergency turned out to be just a small infection on my gum, and not a 'dental' infection at that. The dentist believes that I ate something that cut my gum on a thin spot where it is close to the bone. What a relief! I was sure I was in for a long, drawn out, surgical procedure. I have the normal tartar build-up of someone who hasn't seen a dentist in 3 years, yet continues to brush twice a day with both a regular toothbrush and the special periodontal brush. No cavities, my fillings are fine, and the root canal performed when I was 15 is still topnotch. I've made an appointment for a thorough cleaning next Monday at 9AM. Just to pump them up, this is Countryside Dental, in Chatham, NY, and the dentist is Vicki Cohn.

Sweetie Pie is exhibiting all the symptoms of becoming a happy cat. She has taken possession of the house and its environs. During the past 3 or 4 days we have bonded completely. She sleeps in my office, on my new couch. She follows me around and makes the widest assortment of sounds I have ever heard from a cat. Even Miss Kitty wasn't this talkative. I've had to make a couple of changes concerning her litter box, but she has taken the changes in stride and seems content. I am also trying to get her off of drinking milk, albeit thinned down. It's not good for her insides. I've put out fresh water next to her food dish, but so far no dice. I figure that when she is thirsty enough she'll drink.

She is also a great alarm clock, waking me up at 6AM every morning for her breakfast. This is OK, especially today. I have to go to the garage and have my front wheel bearings repacked in the Jetta. I'm hoping for a quick and painless job today as well. We'll see about that!

Stay tuned for the rest...

Johnnyboy

A bad tooth day...

I think that one of my wisdom teeth is impacting, or the root is growing out of my gum, or something. This means that I'll be seeing the dentist. I'm not particularly excited about this idea. Although most dentists these days are well versed in pain elimination, there is one way they can always make you flinch, scream, and throb in agony for days later: they hand you a bill.

I have no health insurance. My bills are paid for in cash. Stupid, yes. I could probably find a policy somewhere that would help me out, but I am pretty lazy when it comes to those things. At my age I should probably start looking at life insurance as well. Why can't we live in a country where all of those basic necessities are taken care of by the government? Doesn't it seem kind of slimy to you folks that the same people we pay for insuring our health and well-being are the same ones we pay to insure our lives? There has to be money to be made in this business, or else no one would want to do it. I'm not convinced that there is anything altruistic about the insurance business.

I'll keep you all posted about the visit to Painless...

Johnnyboy

I'm a real slacker!

I have been so busy the past 2 days. On Friday I drove my mother and sister to the airport. They are visiting my aunt (my mothers sister-in-law) in West Virginia and will be coming home on Wednesday.

So, I have the house to myself...

I've been busy, really. I've been busy goofing off in a large way, but without any mind-altering substances. I've been sleeping late, staying up late watching movies, and watching movies whenever I feel like it. It's a real escape from the living-with-someone lifestyle. So as a result I have neglected my blog, and my reader(s), who, I am sure is(are) concerned. No need, all is well in Somewheresville.

Sweetie Pie is adjusting very well. We have taken some long walks together and she is getting the feel of the place. I find it interesting that the choice snoozing spots for her are not the same as for the late Miss Kitty. In fact, they are the complete opposite. I'm thinking that this has to do with old smells and whatnot. I've made the decision to stop giving her thinned milk. She wasn't drinking water at first, but I figure when she gets thirsty enough, she will have to make the plunge. I hope that this is not a sign of something worse, like rabies, but I think the vet would have discovered that.

Gotta run. I have a pie in the oven and stuff to do, or not to do, as is my wont.

Johnnyboy

Missed a day...

I apologize for missing yesterdays posting. I became caught up in lifes little twists and turns and it slipped my mind. That's alright. Here's the recap...

Sweetie Pie is doing OK, and she's adjusting to the fact that she won't be abandoned again. I think she was abused previously as well. Very sad, but she is in a safe environment now and already finding her special spots to nap, etc...She was so hungry and emaciated that she tends to gorge herself on her kibble, throwing it up a few hours later. The vet said to feed her smaller portions and keep the dish off the floor when she isn't eating. Her tummy is so small at 6 months anyway that it doesn't take much to fill her up. She sleeps a lot, but what cat doesn't.

My sister came down from Boston last night to visit and to fly down to West Virginia with my mother. This means that I'll have the house to myself for the next 5 days. I'll enjoy the solitude and the time with Sweetie Pie.

I'll post a formal 'August 5th' post later on, with some recipes and other goings-on.


Johnnyboy

What an amazing day...

Yesterday afternoon my mothers friend H called. She and I spoke for a bit and then she told me about this cat that had been hanging around her house for the past 2 days. It was little, scrawny, hungry (she fed it), and meowing like mad. She said that she would keep it if it weren't for her allergy to cats. She had immediately thought of our home, so recently missing feline companionship. I told her to check with the neighbors, etc...just to make sure that no one was missing their friend. The short story is that I picked up this little darling, now called Sweetie Pie, this morning. I took her right to the vets and had her checked out. She was free of diseases
so we gave her the first round of distemper shots, wormed her, weighed her (6 pounds), and she is now asleep on the guestroom bed. She ate a lot of kibble when she arrived here, snooped around for a little while, found the comfy spot of the day, and plopped down.

It is truly a blessing to have another rescue cat to come to our aid. It feels quite wonderful to have given this sentient being a safe and luxurious home in which to reign as queen.

I had hoped to find a female under a year old at the shelter. Only HP would have brought a six-month old female to our door to care for and to love. My mother has already grown to love her, as have I. Once she settles in we'll really get to know her.

I am so relieved!

Johnnyboy

It's Tuesday...

So without further ado, here are the haiku for the day. I hope you have a great day. Mine is improving. I am amazed at how I can have great hope, triumph, and happiness and at the same time feel tremendous sadness and exhaustion. I'm glad I'm not drinking anymore.

#36.
Crackle underfoot,
branches dry and brittle snap:
a walk in the woods.

#182.
Walking in the rain
and turning my face skyward,
my tears are added.

#56.
Carefully stalking,
my little lion, my cat,
her eyes glittering.


Johnnyboy

Grief...

After a few days of being without Miss Kitty, I feel as if I am truly grieving. It's amazing how such a small friend can leave such a large empty emotional space when she's gone. There are no tears, just this forlorn and helpless ache. I cannot get the picture of her body out of my head. It was lying in an otherwise ordinary and peaceful pasture. There were flies buzzing. She wouldn't get up when I called to her. The whole atmosphere seemed surreal and fake, as in 'This is not happening right now'. I think I switched on the automatic pilot in order to perform the necessary task of burying her. Now I am sitting in my office writing about her and all I can think of is that she should be wandering in, meowing softly, and sliding past my ankles. She would want some attention, a scratch behind the ears, perhaps, or a game of 'catch the shadow' on the rug. Not tonight, pumpkin. I am so sad.

I have encountered death only a couple of other times so far. The first was when my Uncle John died in 1984. I was stunned, but I had been using already and so my emotions were kind of numb. I guess I still have not confronted that grief. My grandmother died a few years ago, but she had been bed-ridden and infant-like for a couple of years before she died, so in a way, for me, her spirit had departed long before her body. In both of these cases our family had prepared for these finalities months in advance. We all knew that Uncle John was dying, and my grandmother as well. Maybe it is the suddenness of Miss Kittys end that I do not want to accept. She was so vibrant, so alive, and so present in all ways. To have her suddenly snuffed out like a candle is a terrible shock and, as I said earlier, leaves a large empty space where she used to be.

My mother agreed that next week we can visit the ASPCA and rescue another cat. It would be great if there was a room at the shelter where we could go and 'test drive' our new houseguest. You know, try out the standard features of ear scratching, rolling on their backs, purring, lap-sitting, etc...oh yes, I forgot...We'll have to bring a newspaper and pretend to read and see if the kitty wants to stay current with world events as well. *G*


Johnnyboy

A mellow Sunday...

I woke up this morning at 10:30. That's pretty late, but seeing as it was Sunday and all, I thought, well, you know...

I read the paper, had some coffee and set down to work.

The BBQ yesterday was fun, and more of a celebration than a whoop-dee-doo kind of thing. There was a band, which was pretty good, but they were having fun, as were the onlookers, and that's what counts. Not much dancing, unfortunately. Seeing the band play inspired me to finally buy a new amplifier for my electric guitar and get back to writing music. This is a pursuit that has given me great satisfaction over the years. I have been in a few bands, but not in sobriety. I have only written 1 song since I got sober, but it's a good one and I put the work in to make it happen. I had also promised a friend that I'd set one of his lyrics to music, which I had been procrastinating.

After I re-strung one guitar and tuned it up, I sat down with the lyrics and in less than an hour had hammered out the tune. I like it and it has a really good melodic hook.

My new amp should arrive in about a week. Then I'll set out to try to find some folks to play with. The thing is that the bassplayer in last nights band asked me to try out for their outfit a few months ago. On the night of the audition I was very sick and I couldn't make it. In a way I'm glad. My musical direction is not about playing covers. I really only like to play my own tunes or at least original tunes by my bandmates. All the great cover tunes I can think of, the ones that I'd like to play, are perfect already. To try to rearrange them seems like a futile effort. It's much easier to write and play original material. If I had joined that band I would have been as dictatorial as always, and eventually they wouldn't be having fun anymore. My music is about precision, timing, and focus. I don't jam around endlessly. My songs have beginnings and endings, bridges, choruses, verses, etc...and they all have a specific time and place. Otherwise there is no structure, no direction. I need to find musicians who can respect that and who are able to see how that kind of discipline is actually very freeing. You either play the song, or not.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll sharpen up another number I've been working on. I also found some pre-sobriety tapes of my playing in some bands from a few years ago. One note to remember is that I never played drunk. I couldn't do it. I became too sloppy. I'd open a beer and take a swig, put it down, and come back to it an hour later. My disease affected my music in other ways. It became very dark, foreboding, and strange. I'll see what I can salvage. Maybe in time I'll put out a CD or something.

Johnnyboy