Doom: Update...

Despite my living in the wreckage of the future this morning, my day has turned out quite well. I went to the gym and had a great workout. The noon meeting was amazing, with so many friends celebrating their sobriety that it really got me out of myself for a spell. What I heard was reassuring , most importantly that I am not the only one to go through these moments of self-doubt and fear. That I heard this from someone with 25 years of sobriety behind him was comforting. The miracle was, that throughout the entire episode, I did not even think about drinking. This is truly amazing. What I did was open my mouth and talk to people about how I was feeling.

The longer I stay sober, the more astounded I become at this marvelous new life ahead of me. I will try to take the advice of Aravis who reminded me to not analyze things too much, relax, and have some fun. Damn if she isn't right. I am one serious guy most of the time. I can get so wrapped up in what I think is important that I miss the whole point: to live.

So, anyway, I left the noon meeting feeling much better, went home, made an amends to those involved, and tried to get some work done on my philosophy paper. No luck. I realized that I was exhausted, so I lay down and napped for about 3 hours. I'll finish my paper tomorrow and start on the homework for my writing class on Sunday.

I don't have to solve all of my puzzles today.


Johnnyboy

Impending doom?

I hate it when I suddenly feel as if my life hangs by some kind of thread. This kind of uncertainty drives me nuts and I start thinking all sorts of dark thoughts.

My theory about 'smart sex', is, of course, a joke. The majority of people who have a wonderful sex life do not base their coitus on intelligence. Obviously intimacy and trust are the major factors.

During writing class the other day I observed one or two facts. The first is that all 10 or so of us were there to learn something new to advance our lives. The second is, that, aside from the photography major and myself, everyone else was there for some kind of Social Science degree. Social Services, Criminal Justice, Children's Education, etc...This must be a growing field, or at least one that appeals to folks over 30 who are going back to school. BTW, I am one of two men in the class. The other guy is there to improve his business writing skills. I think that the point I'm trying to make is that everyone seems to be so focused on their lives. I just want to learn and see what I can do with what is left of my life. My criminal record will exclude me from any decent teaching jobs (felons need not apply) so I feel like sometimes I am going to school just to kill time, to have something to do until the end...

I'll probably update this blog later today, after I go work out and celebrate the sobriety of a friend.





Johnnyboy

Busy days, and grateful for them...

I started my other college class last night. It's a college writing class, which is a good thing because I haven't written any college papers in 20 years or so, and even then, they were sub-par. I'm not going to have any problems with grammar, punctuation, spelling, or the basics, but my essay and term paper writing really needs a lot of work. There is a chance (slim) that I may be advanced to College Writing 2, but I'd rather not assume that I know any more than I do and move too quickly. I am in no rush to be handed the parchment. I'm in school to learn and be taught.

The teacher, Claudia Hough, seems very nice and obviously knows her stuff. Her class seems well organized and my assignment will keep me busy until next Wednesday, but not crazy busy. This is a relief since I have this paper due for my Philosophy class the same day. Reading and writing...I'm grateful and lucky that I enjoy both of those activities.

There is a woman in the class who is very attractive. She's very young, though. I'm twice her age, but she's very smart and very pretty which are the 2 things I look for in a romantic attachment. She was a PoliSci/Philosophy double major at SUNY, but burned out. Now she's trying her hand at Photography at Empire State. Pretty and smart--my favorite things....

Maybe tomorrow I'll expound on my theory that smart people who like to learn new things have better sex than people who sit around all day and watch TV.

It's only a theory...


Johnnyboy

Aristotles Unified World View...

So yesterday I expounded on Plato and his views on ethics, virtue, and how to achieve the best of them by leaving the dark cave of ignorance and searching out the truth of the the light. By this I mean the pinnacle of all knowledge. Plato believed that the best way to go about 'learning' this was to actually live with someone who had already accomplished this feat. By being near them physically, a kind of intellectual osmosis would take place over time, et voila! Hello, Sunshine!

Aristotle was a much more pragmatic sort of fellow. He felt that there were two essential virtues: intellectual and moral. The Intellectual Virtues were gleaned through teaching and were easily measured and evaluated. The Moral Virtues were cultivated through an adoption of good habits. Through the exercising of these intellectual and moral virtues, man can make cognitive decisions based on what he knows. He can achieve a 'mean', or a middle ground of life for himself and feel good about his decisions. From his point of view he will have achieved 'well-being'. He will have made a decision using all of his faculties, but yet never truly be sure that his decision has been correct. His decisions are based on subjective and relative knowledge. These choices, Aristotle saw, were based on opinions and judgment, not on the self-evident principles of Plato. The goal of finding the 'good life' of Aristotle can never be achieved with precision.

It all comes down to 'choice'. This is an entirely human concept. Plants and animals do not have choices. They react purely on the principles of pleasure and pain. Food, shelter, warmth, protection, procreation are all functions of lower beings. Only the human animal has the cognitive ability to choose, and his choices are 'better', 'worst'. or 'best'. By that I mean he can only choose the 'better' choice for the circumstance at hand, the 'worst' case scenario, or the truly 'best' answer to the dilemma facing him. An good analogy is that of philanthropy.

Last year I gave $200 to my local public radio station. I did this because I had the money to do so. This year, I would like to give that much again. That would be the 'better' choice. Unfortunately, due to the rising cost of petroleum products, my wallet is lighter, so I will not give anything. That is the 'worst' choice. The 'best' choice would be to give what I can, taking into account my need for budgeting in these tough times, but also the radio stations need for public support to keep broadcasting. That choice is based on what I know about my own life and the world around me. I am contributing to my 'well-being' (and the lives of others, by the way) by making a moderate choice that benefits as many people as possible. My good moral virtues (philanthropy) are in line with my good intellectual virtues (knowing the price of gas) and, being in line, connect me with the whole of existence in what Aristotle referred to as a Unified World View.

I hope that these last 2 days have been both informative and entertaining. Without further ado, here are the haiku...


#103.
The cool clear ocean
soaks itself along the beach,
one wave at a time.

#124.
What seems amazing
is usually revealed
to be quite simple.

#125.
What seems quite simple
is usually revealed
to be amazing.


Johnnyboy

Well-being and self-actualization...

I have to write a paper for my philosophy class this week. It's not long, only 8-10 pages, double spaced, but it is the first serious 8-10 page paper I have written in about 15 years. This paper is to be the gauge by which my knowledge of Classical Greek Philosophy is judged. The overall subject is Plato and Aristotle. I have chosen to examine a concept that both men used for the core of their philosophies, primarily Ethics and Well-Being. 'Well-Being' in the classical form is not the simple modern day feeling of how-you-are-doing. It is more complex and more of a foundation for all living. Let's start with Plato...


Plato's metaphor of The Cave is central to all of his analysis of life, particularly that of self-actualization, or well-being. He believed that the top of the pyramid of knowledge, the pinnacle of life, was actualization with The Forms. The Forms are The Real, beyond much of our comprehension or knowledge. Most of us are still in The Dark in some way when it comes to true understanding, anyway. Plato used a myth to explain the process of enlightenment and knowable growth.

Most men are chained and blinkered in The Cave, looking at the wall facing away from the entrance. They cannot turn around, and truthfully, they feel that there is no real reason to do so, because all of their reality is right in front of them. They see shadows and shapes, indistinct and random. Of course the shadows and shapes are not indistinct to them, because these men do not know any different. To them, what they see is all that there is to life and their universe. They are happy, or at least they think they are happy. If they could turn around, though, they would have an epiphany of sorts. They would see, walking behind them, other men, carrying statues of living things: horses, people, birds, fruit, etc...Suddenly all reality is changed because no longer are the shadows on the wall the be all and end all of truth. It is revealed that these shapes are the source of the shadows on the wall. As I've said, some men turn around, but not all men. Some are still content to stare at the wall, and some are willing to turn around now, after being told by their comrades about the miracle behind them. At this point the dialectic continues. Most of the supposedly enlightened group will be content to see the statues as the real thing, reality of form and all that there is. A few, though, who have the compulsion to do so, will continue towards the mouth of the cave where it will be revealed, yet again, that there is a cause of the shadows on the wall, not just a subject. The sunlight streaming through the mouth is illuminating the statues, which are making the shadows appear. As in the last example, some men will be content that they know all that there is about life. They will however, go back in to the cave and try to educate their fellows about the new discovery. This new discovery may or may not be accepted by the ignorant, as we saw in the first stage. They may even think the enlightened one to be a heretic of some sort and persecute him for his blasphemy. They may even kill him. Some will not feel this way and will follow the light to the mouth of the cave. This is not the end, however. The mouth of the cave is not the source of all knowledge. It isn't until the former shackled man has looked into the Sun and has seen the Sun as the source of all light and change in the Universe. Upon returning to the cave his mind will be plunged back into the old darkness. He may be thought of, yet again, as an heretic, be ridiculed and perhaps killed. His search for knowledge will be seen as something that has blinded him from the old truth. Plato wrote, " In the world of knowledge, the last thing to be perceived and only with great difficulty is the essential Form of Goodness. Once it is perceived, the conclusion must follow that, for all things, this is the cause of whatever is right and good; in the visible world it gives birth to light and the lord of light, while it is itself sovereign in the intelligible world and the parent of intelligence and truth.". ('Republic' by Plato, pg.514, translated by F.M.Cornford, {Oxford, New York, 1945}) So the more our fellow learns about The Forms, the more he should want to learn. The more he learns about them, the closer he comes to the ultimate truth of life well-being, and the Self-Actualization with The Forms. The closer he comes to Self-Actualization, the better he becomes as a man and more perfect in ethical thought and behavior.


So that's a quick run down Plato's ethical philosophy. As I said, this philosophy was the core of all of his thinking, without which he could not write about politics, art, or war.

Tomorrow we'll discuss Aristotle...



Johnnyboy

Sunday, a day to goof off...

Yesterday I participated in a 5km Walk For Literacy in a nearby town. It was really a great experience for me, if only to get out of the house and have some exercise, meet some people not in AA (earthlings) and do something good for the community. The event is a memorial tribute to a little girl who was killed in a freak car accident a couple of years ago. She loved to read, so all the money is donated to the local public library. I was #140 and my friend was #139.I think that the library buys books at $10 a piece, so at $10 per entry fee, that's a good start for the library.

One of the immediate results of my exercising has been sleep. Before last week I would toss and turn all night, rarely having any kind of full nights sleep. For the last 3 nights I have slept very well, deep, even, and restful. I wake up at a decent hour, around 8 or so, and actually feel rested. My new regimen has brought a real change to my life.


In today's New York Times there is an article on the '90's band The Spin Doctors. They certainly had a couple of big, extremely overplayed hits back then, but they are putting out a new album, after mending all of their differences. Frankly I never felt much zing from their catchy, upbeat, happy, songwriting. I prefer angst with my rock 'n' roll, with a side order of controversy, on a couple of slices of danger. All the best tunes, in my opinion, are not about 'love found', but about 'love lost'. Death, cars, forbidden and unrequited love, are all suitable for the jukebox of reality. Skipping down the street singing about how much you love someone seems rather optimistic. Unless, of course, the next verse has you coming to the curb and getting hit by the crosstown bus. Your 'girlfriend' finally notices you as you lay dying in the hospital. The tears are flowing and true love never dies. The background of the Marvellettes and orchestration by Phil Spector fill in the blanks. Now, that's a love song! Put it this way...What would the world think of "Romeo and Juliet" if the Capulets and Montagues patched things up, and R and J had lived to see tomorrow?


Johnnyboy

Body, Mind, and Spirit...

Sorry for the lapse in posting (again!). I've had a pretty busy past couple of days and I guess I got a little overwhelmed (read:lazy). Things are OK, though. In fact, they're better than OK.

I joined a gym, as some of you know. I really like it, I think. I'm not some muscle head, just getting fit and healthy. I'm feeling really good about this move towards a healthier body. I'm sleeping better, thinking better, and feel psychologically more calm than I felt last week, B.G. (Before Gym). Today has been a really amazing day, and it isn't even over yet!

This is what I did...

1. Worked out for almost 2 hours this morning with weights and cardio.

2. Then I drove to Albany and had a really good class with Dr. Fox, my philosophy teacher.

3. Now I'm home, after eating, showering, and, yes, about to post this blog.

4. In just a few minutes I'm off to an AA meeting, which will complete the circle of good living.

Body, Mind, and Spirit. They all live within the same shell, and they all need to be fed.

After the meeting, it's time for....The X-Files! I'm almost finished, having received the 2nd disc of season 9 in the mail today. Only 3 more discs to go!


Johnnyboy

Haiku Tuesday...almost Autumn

Not much going on around here except that the wind is blowing, the leaves are turning, and it seems to be a little grayer in the sky than usual. I love fall. I am a seasonal person, needing the changes from Winter to Spring, etc...

The Autumn harvests are the best. Squashes, apples, pears, late tomatoes and corn, all great stuff. I can smell the roastie-toastie aromas of home kitchens everywhere.

I'm a little sore from going to the gym yesterday, but I can't wait to go back tomorrow and have a go at my second session. I will lose the weight, keep it off, eat better, sleep better, and gain much needed muscle, especially in my back. I think that my gut is a result of my weak back. I tend to slouch.

Here are the haiku...


#10.
Trying to explain
how much I miss and love you
over the phone lines.

#26.
Saxophones motor
the drumming wheels of hi-hats,
steered by pianos.

#38.
A slow groaning turn,
felt, rather than seen or heard,
as I sit and breathe.



Johnnyboy

I'm not firing anybody...

I had a long talk with my sponsor this morning. He feels that there are different reasons for my feeling the way I do about my homegroup. I guess I need to remember that groups change and grow, and shrink, and that this evolution is natural. I will not be firing him. He has reassured me that there is no 'movement' to try to change AA. I believe him, so I'll stick with him. I told him that I felt I needed a stricter, more focused sobriety. He suggested I work on a step a week, for 12 Weeks. I agreed. So this week I work on Step 1, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.". So I'll do some reading, write out my Top 10 drinking escapades, and get back on the beam. To be honest, the 2 of us never did this, so I'm looking forward to the work.

Another good thing is that I finally joined a gym. I just spent an hour or so with a trainer who showed me the ropes, etc...We talked about routines, goals, diet, and other stuff. I'll be going 3 days a week (M,W,F) for a few months. It's looking good.

These are some of the things I am grateful for:
1.Going back to school
2.Getting healthy, in body and mind.
3.Recognizing that there are people who care about me.
4.Having a home, with food on the table.
5.Not being in jail.
6.Having a fascinating (for me) hobby.
7.Being available if someone needs me.
8.Understanding that I'm stubborn.
9.Working on 'Letting Go'.
10.Being sober, without which the above statements would not be valid.

Now I have to read a boatload of Aristotle.


Johnnyboy

How to fire an AA Sponsor...

Just a quick tutorial. For those of you who do not know, a Sponsor in AA is a type of guide and confidant. He or she is usually someone with a few more years of sobriety than the newcomer and with a qualifiable amount of time working the steps. They show the newcomer around the AA community, taking them to meetings, introducing them to other AAs, and generally reassuring the newcomer that there is a life within AA and sobriety.

My current sponsor, M, is a great guy. He celebrated 18 years sober last month. I admire him in many ways. His spiritual program runs very deep, and he is a practicing Buddhist. He works for a large charity organization, for lack of a better term, that provides housing and services for homeless people with AIDS. He is truly an amazing guy and has helped me through some incredibly hard times in the past 3 years.

Now some quick AA background...

AA is a group of people who come together to help each other stay sober and help the still suffering alcoholic find sobriety. Some AA meetings are 'Closed' meetings. That means that the only people allowed to attend are those who have a problem with alcohol and seek to solve this problem. Some AA meetings are 'Open', and that means that anyone can attend these meetings, regardless of their addiction, if only to seek inspiration from the program of AA. At both of these meetings those that attend are asked to share about their alcoholism and their recovery from the disease. This is called the 'singleness of purpose'. Without this guideline AA would become a free-for-all of recovery, thus diluting the primary purpose of the program, which is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. Numerous debates have been held for almost 70 years on the subject. At one time the idea was put forth that since AA worked so well for alcoholics, that it might work well for all the other problems in the world as well. This was a disaster. It turned into a chaos of egos, anxieties, and resentments. This is why so many other 12-Step programs have evolved over the years(OA,NA,SA,CA,etc...). They are all based on the AA blueprint, but address specific concerns.

My sponsor, after 18 years of sobriety, wants to turn my home group into a movement within AA that is all inclusive. He said as much at the business meeting the other day. He wants that group, in Western Massachusetts, to become the stepping stone of a new idea in AA, namely that AA is for everyone, regardless of their addiction(s).

I do not agree with him, and this is a very fundamental issue. At my stage in sobriety I need a program that sticks close to the fundamentals of AA. I need a program that not only respects the Traditions of AA, but also the vital experiences that have shaped them. I require an AA that sticks to its guns, not waffling about in search of a primary purpose. I need an AA that follows its own rules and advice.

So I'm going to fire him. Today. I've called and left a message explaining my feelings and have asked him to call me back. I know some people who would have just fired him via voicemail. I also know some who wouldn't have said anything at all and just never called again. I feel that he deserves better. He is a good and smart man. He has been there for me as a sponsor and a friend. He has helped me through some dark and desperate days. So I owe him at least some fairness in this matter.

Then I'll find a new homegroup and a new sponsor.



Johnnyboy

Homegroup vote...

My former homegroup has become a rudderless ship. At today's business meeting those that were in attendance officially voted to not keep the discussion on alcoholism (as AA advises) but to open all the meetings to any discussion having to do with any addiction. I do not agree with this decision, but I have no control over a rudderless ship and I am not about to try to steer her. I will stay sober anyway and focus on my sobriety and the truths that feel are written down in both the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions. My sponsor would like this group to now become a kind of bastion of open-mindedness against the strict rules that apply to AA as a whole.

Like Bob Dylan said, "You go your way, and I'll go mine..."

I'm posting some pictures from my trip to Croatia last spring. Just some incidental snapshots of a beautiful country that I truly love.


Johnnyboy

Quick X-Files update...

So, I'm working my way through season 8 of the X-Files. To be honest, I'm enjoying the stubbornly skeptic Special Agent John Doggett as a foil for the believer in Scully. He's a real "Just the facts, ma'am" kind of guy, but his world is slowly being twisted out of shape. Scully is right there with him, patient, and sometimes bemused at his disbelief. I also like how The Lone Gunmen remark that he's "pretty good for a beginner" when he comes up with the answer to a certain murder scenario (Via Negativa). I will be sorry to see Scully go, however, as she eventually must.

One note: On the new opening credits, Mulder is seen falling into the abyss. Duchovny's face is clearly visible. That means regardless of Duchovny's appearing in the episode he still gets a cut of the action. Pretty sneaky there, Dave...


Johnnyboy

Reading and Shovelling...

I spent yesterday in Kingston, having my VW worked on. It was supposed to be a quick 2 hour in and out job, but due to trucking problems ended up taking all day. Luckily Barnes and Noble is about a block away from the garage. I hung out there for 5 hours.

I will never be ungrateful for my ability to read. The cliche' about opening doors to new worlds will never be untrue. It is because of reading that I know anything at all. It is because of reading that I can go back to school and spend a few hours every day perusing a textbook, and learning what is inside of it. I truly feel sad when I hear about people who cannot read. What kind of life must they lead, with nothing but television to entertain them? Am I being presumtuous, thinking that their lives are empty without books? I also feel sad when it becomes apparent that some people are afraid to read for fear of being thought of as ignorant or uneducated. For me this kind of shame prevents people from asking for help.

I have met people who believe that reading is OK, but the knowledge one gleans from the page is not. Usually this person is some kind of religious fanatic who believes in the literal message in the Bible (written by greedy men to further their hold on an ignorant serfdom, thereby increasing their real estate holdings...) and prefers the womenfolk to be barefoot and pregnant. People like this do exist. I met a lot when I was in jail. They didn't like me at all.

I was educated.

Too much education is a bad thing, because it doesn't help you to shovel crap in the barn, or does it...their opinion, not mine.

I see education as a way to move on from shovelling crap, to say, maybe baling hay, or fixing the tractor, or learning how banks work so you can write your name, speak to the banker in a proper tone, get that bank loan, and by your own farm. When that happens you can hire someone else to shovel crap.

But first you have to teach them how to do it. Oh, Socrates, what a method you have given us:


Farmer: Come here, fella. This is a shovel.

Fella: What's it for?

Farmer: Lots of things, but today it's for shovelling crap out of the barn.

Fella: Oh. I don't know how to do that.

Farmer: Don't worry, fella, I used to do it a lot. I'll show you how. It's easy.

Fella: OK. But what about the other things I can do with it?

Farmer: Tomorrow we'll discuss your future. Today, you shovel crap.

Fella: OK.

The End


There can never be such a thing as too much knowledge.

I'm reading Tom Robbins' latest novel which came out in 2003. I love his writing style. He has a truly slippery tongue, and for some reason can write about sex better than anyone I've ever read. Very smart guy. Lots of philosophy, theology, geo-politics, etc...and sex. My kind of read.



Johnnyboy

2 posts in a row!

Wow, I think I'm getting back on the beam with this blog. I've had a really busy day, full of luxury problems. I've been running around in this heat and I'm kind of bushed from it, so I'm going to stick close to home tonight. I'll make some burgers and fries and a milkshake for dinner and settle in for some X-Files (big surprise) and maybe actually call it an early night.

Here are the haiku for the week. Have a great evening, folks, and don't work too hard at it!


#145.
Many quiet ghosts
wander about listlessly,
speaking but not heard.

#139.
The soft air brightens,
shimmers and glistens at dusk,
and passing, pauses.

#121.
The untried fingers
of dogwood, maple, and oak,
grasp, and pull down rain.


Johnnyboy

Pictures of my hobbywork...

These are pics of 1/72nd scale aircraft. For those who do not know, that scale means that 1 inch equals 6 feet in real life. So these models are pretty small. Wingspans are around 3 1/2 to 4 inches, max. The wheels are smaller than dimes by quite a bit. I think I captured the varnished wood effect on 2 of these builds quite nicely, IMHO.

From the top, going down: An English Sopwith Snipe from 1918, a German Roland DVIa, also from 1918, and an Albatros DIII from The Austro-Hungarian Empire. The Albatros is in the fictional garb of my alter-ego, Seamus O'leary von Kranken-Schafft. He was the illegitimate son of the Baron von Kranken-Schafft and the family's Irish governess, Eileen O'leary. He chose to fly for the Austrians in order to avoid shooting down any Irish or English pilots. His victories were primarily against the Italians and the Greeks. After WW1 he fought for sundry smaller air forces in the myriad conflicts after the falls of the 3 empires (Russia, Ottoman, and Austria-Hungary). He flew for the Poles against the Ukrainians, the Finns against the Russians, Ethiopia against the Italians, and for the Loyalists against Franco in Spain. There were rumors that he flew for Paraguay in the Gran Chaco conflict of 1929, but there has been no hard evidence to back this up. As an older man he faded into the background. He avoided WW2 by becoming a mackerel fisherman in Iceland. After WW2 he was spotted only twice. Once as a Chief Mechanic for the Norwegian Air Force in Oslo, and the last as a bush pilot in northern Latvia, flying into fishing camps. He would have been 58 years old in 1950, still a very young man. Rumors abound for the next 20 years of an old guy with more stories to tell than could be believed and an undetermined accent. People would disbelieve him until he looked them in the eye and said "Oh yeah? Well I know fer sure you weren't there, deadweight, so shut up and put on your seatbelt!".


Johnnyboy

Habits and routines...

This 'two days between entries' thing is becoming a habit. I really don't want to end up slacking on this blog, so I'll make a serious effort to be more focused and timely.

Yeah, right, like I need to take something else in my life so seriously that it becomes a chore? I think I'll lighten up, and if there isn't much to write about, I'll write about that. So there!

My first real class in college went very well. It's just my mentor and me so the experience was a perfect example of the Socratic method of learning. It's pretty simple: I do the reading, take notes, etc...and then the two of us talk about the subject for a couple of hours every 2 weeks. His initial opinion of me is that I have the right kind of introspective mind for the subject of philosophy and that I understand intuitively the fundamental nature of the subject. This is all good news, but now I have to really buckle down and finish my reading. Tomorrow I'll start in on Aristotle, which will complete Classical Western Philosophy, Vol. 1. This is a routine that I started: read for a couple of hours everyday. I think some folks call it 'studying'. I have to write a paper eventually comparing Plato and Aristotle on one of their philosophical theories. Plato was a Rationalist (understanding the world through thinking) and Aristotle was an Empiricist (using the senses to discover the truth). All of this suddenly reminds me of Mulder and Scully, thinker and scientist, both searching for the same answers. Hmmmm...

There was a big AA picnic yesterday in a nearby park, and I helped. By the time all was done and cleaned up, and I was home, I as whipped, but I stayed awake until 10:30PM anyway. If I had gone to bed earlier I would have woken up much too early to be any good for anyone. So I slept until 9AM this morning. I woke up feeling groggy and still tired and a little achey, and I was going to do nothing all day, but I didn't.

I decided to go down to The Old Rhinebeck Aerodrome instead for the day. Complete and utter fun. As some of you know, I build model airplanes. I'll try to get one on this entry before I post. The ORA flies actual aircraft from The First World War and the 1920s. It was truly a great day to watch a Fokker triplane, amongst others, fly around and pretend to dogfight. There is a lot more to it, however. The ORA puts on a whole WW1 show, with Good Guys (Sir Percy Goodfellow) and Bad Guys (The Black Baron of Rhinebeck and His Henchman) wherein The Baron steals Sir Percy's bride-to-be, Trudy Truelove, and Sir Percy has to go after him. It's the Keystone Kops, Perils of Pauline, and Dawn Patrol all mixed in to one.

Then I came home. Very weird when I arrived home. It was about 5PM or so, and I think that the person I am living with had had a few drinks already. The vibe was strange and she seemed to have not really remembered where I had been. This put me in a way-too-thoughtful mood, so I took a shower, read my email, and split for a meeting. Sometimes it's very difficult living with someone who is so entrenched in their world that broaching a sensitive subject is an obviously impossible task. Whether it's memory loss and the confusion that comes with that, or alcoholism and the results of that disease, I am at sea much of the time. Yet again I must learn to let that go, and recognize that I can't change people into what I think they should be. Watching this go on in front of me can be very painful.

In the end I am grateful to be here. At least I know that she isn't spending all of her time alone and that the times that I am at home, I can do things for her. This is one of the great gifts that sobriety has given me. I can be available, and compassionate, and caring, and patient. I can use a calm voice and listen, helping out when I am asked to do so. I am learning what it means to be a good son to an elderly parent. I am taking advantage of this time with her for I have been absent for so much. I love her dearly, and in this realm of love words fail me.


Johnnyboy

Apology and synopsis...

I apologize to (all) my devoted reader(s) about the long gap in entries. It's been a strange week, full of realizations, responsibilities and the usual things that can clog up one's free time.
But all is well here in Somewheresville. Here are some notes...

1. The X-Files made a huge mistake when Chris Carter began filming in Los Angeles, instead of Vancouver. From what I've read on-line this had to do with David Duchovny's whining about the weather and the amount of rain he had to endure. Also Gillian Anderson's hair is naturally curly, but Dana Scully's, her character, is not. I guess they had some issues with friz on the set. To both of them I say "Sphlllt!". Following season 6, all the episodes were filmed in or around California, which gave them that horrible generic feel of the California outdoors. We have all seen it, think 'Little House on the Prairie' and all the rest. It all seems too manicured or something. Boring...And as if that wasn't bad enough, the story lines started getting way too comic and lighthearted for my taste. It's as if LA went to their heads and they all suffered some kind of IQ drop. Gone are the days when Mulder is pursuing the Holy Grail. It's as if he has entered some sort of 12 Step program for the paranormal. He has come to accept his belief in Little Green Men, and he can't change them. What I really want is more episodes using all the info we know about the two agents--ace pathologist and skeptic and the best serial killer profiler to have his sister abducted by aliens. This is a futile wish, however, because soon I will be embroiled in season 8, Mulder will be gone, and Scully will be soon to follow. No wonder they folded after #9. They ran out of ideas. They took the Myth-Arc as far as they could take it.

2. My first college class in over 20 years is tomorrow at 4PM. I will be sitting down with my faculty mentor, Dr. Charles Fox, and discussing early Greek Philosophy, up to Aristotle. I have spent the last 4 weeks reading, highlighting, and taking notes. I think I'm the only student that he has for this semester, and since this is a seminar-type program, it is sanctioned by the college. For the life of me I can't seem to remember much of my reading. I hope that this isn't reflected in my question/answer session with prof. I'll certainly log an update tomorrow evening.

3. Haiku...missed on Tuesday, but here they are. They have been waiting in the wings, with Zen-like patience, nodding their heads and smiling...

#220.
In the chilly fall,
I wrap warm thoughts around me,
like soft summer nights.

#177.
The joy of sunshine,
the foolishness of the rain;
sudden autumn clown.

#208.
I wake before light,
before the cock crows morning,
and breathe in the dark.



Johnnyboy

The weekend that was...

After all the self-centered loathing of the past 3 or 4 days I think I am beginning to put these things behind me. My own fears are just that--my own. Apparently my favorite noon meeting is going on just fine without me, and why shouldn't they, fer cryin' out loud! I still haven't heard from either my sponsor or any of those really involved about my wierd mass emailing of an amends. I did hear from some folks, just not the ones...hmmm...let it go...let it go...

I spoke tonight at a meeting in Connecticut, and boy did I need to do that. I needed to blurt out a little honesty to people that have no idea about the context, but only hear the craziness and the confusion that can come to someone like me, still newly in sobriety. I guess I can fool myself into thinking that I have a handle on things when really I have nada.

I'll spend the next few days reviewing my philosophy text for class on Friday.

I'm also finishing up a model, an Ansaldo Balilla A-1, an Italian fighter plane from the First World War. It's quite beautiful and looks like a boat with wings. All varnished wood and linen. Very pretty, but cut up the skies pretty well for its time. I'll post a pic when I get it finished.

My mother feeds Sweetie Pie too much, and I find little kitty gag wads of half digested Science Diet kibble around the place. Apparently the cat makes a pleading cry and mom feeds her. This is all very Pavlovian. I've left a note reminding her to feed her 1 cup of food all day.


Now my italic thingy is stuck! What is going on here? Ok, now it's off. I don't get it. It should be italicizing as I write, seeing as the little icon is highlighted, but no, I have to get the different one. Why does mine always have to be different?


Johnnyboy

crazycrazycrazy

I feel as if the world is being pulled from beneath my feet. I will never be able to show my face in my "homegroup" again. By my actions I have possibly destroyed what was a vibrant and cohesive unity in sobriety. It will never be the same and I will always be thought of as The Bad Guy.

Today is the 1st Anniversary of my being released from jail. This means it is also the first whole year of sobriety I have had outside those cold walls. This, too, is an anniversary of sorts. I will have 3 years of sobriety in December. I never had the luxury of working the first 2 years of sobriety in the real world. My first 2 years were spent in a jail cell, isolating as a necessary tool for survival.

No wonder I'm so screwed up.


Johnnyboy

My resentments and my part in controversy...

I have just sent off an email to several people involved my homegroup issue over drugs and AA.

I realized, through numerous consultations and talks with others, that I needed to examine my true part in this thing and from whence it grows.

Resentment.

I came out of jail and jumped right back into my program full steam ahead. I did everything that came along the pike in terms of service and began to think that I was the only one doing anything. I know I have control issues, but this time they were right out in front. I thought that I could turn the current group of relative newcomers (of which I am one) into the old group of people with a whole lot of longterm sobriety. I would do this by forcing them to refocus on the subject and stick to the matter at hand.

I have discovered, through much pain, that this is similar to herding cats.

I take full responsibility for my vote on the Blue Card issue, and stand by it. I cannot control the reactions of others, nor the direction that the group wishes to go. I must turn this over to HP and The Force do its thing.

AA and this group were there before me, and they'll probably be there when I'm gone. Thankfully I don't have to drink over any of this mess.

Now...

More X-Files! I am almost finished with season 6 and have researched the whole 'changing of the guard' scenario on-line. I think I'll probably watch the whole 9 seasons, just to see how Doggett and the other one work out.


Breathe

Johnnyboy